big penis

A family of three [mom, dad and a 10 year-old girl] went down to Florida to visit a nudist camp.

The girl goes walking around on the beach and comes back to her mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, women down here have bigger breasts than you.”

The mom replied, “That’s right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are.”

The girl goes and walks around again. She comes back to her mom and says, “Mommy, mommy, guys down here have bigger penises than dad.”

The mom replied, “That’s right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are.”

The girl goes on her way and comes running back to her mom again. “Mommy, mommy, dad is talking to this really dumb blonde and the longer he talks the dumber he gets.”

(This joke is very visual)

One day a young boy was walking to school. He cut through an alley where he met a hooker.

“Hello little boy.” said the hooker as she waved her pinky finger at him.

‘What’s up with the pinky?’ thought the boy. After school the boy went back through the alley and the hooker was back again.

“Hello little boy,” she said and waved at him with her pinky finger.

‘Again with the pinky, what’s up with that?’ wondered the boy, ‘If she’s here again tomorrow I’ll ask.’ Sure enough the next morning the same thing happened.

“Hello little boy,” she said to the boy while waving her pinky finger at him.

“Why are you waving your pinky at me?” asked the boy.

“Because this is how big your penis is,” she replied. The boy walked away embarrassed and determined to get her back.

After school the boy again went down the alley and again the hooker greeted him.

“Hello little boy,” she said as she waved her pinky finger at him.

The little boy then put his fingers in his mouth, spread his lips as wide as they could strech, and answered,

“Hi, lady.”

God’s Human DNA Code
For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism’s DNA seems to serve any useful function.

I have solved the mystery.

The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments.

Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows:

===/* HUMAN_DNA.H *
* Human Genome * Version 2.1 *
* (C) God *
/
/* Revision history: *
* 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
* 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
* 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy — will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
* 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from elephant-dna.c
* 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
* 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
* 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
* 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements — skin colour made darker to match my own image.
* 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra ‘wisdom’ teeth. Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
* 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
* 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
* 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of CD.

*/ /* Standard definitions */
#define SEX male
#define HEIGHT 1.84
#define MASS 68
#define RACE caucasian
/* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files. *
* Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
* inheritance features. */
#include “mother.h”
#include “father.h”
#infndef FATHER
#warn(”Father unknown — guessing\n”)
#include “bastard.h”
#endif
/* Set up sex-specific functions and variables */
#include
/* Kludged code — I’ll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
* library sometime soon.
*/struct genitals {#ifdef MALE Penis *jt;
#endif
/* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
#ifdef FEMALE Vagina *p;
#endif }
/* Initialization bootstrap routine — called before DNA duplication.
* Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers */
DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *); /
* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE *
* Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
* to display at birth. * * Will be improved later to make output less ugly. */
Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);===
…and so on.

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

“Where is your costume?” the husband asked.

“This is it,” replied his wife.

“What the heck kind of costume is that?” asked the husband.

“Why, I am going as Puss and Boots,” explains the wife. “Now hurry and get your costume on.”

The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis.

“What the heck kind of costume is that?” asked the wife.

“I am a fire alarm,” he replied.

“A fire alarm?” she repeated laughing.

“Yes,” he replied. “In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come.”

A man had a big dance comming up but the problem was he didn’t know how to dance. So he went to a dance studio. The instructor told him to pretend that there is a 10 cent piece on his right shoulder and that he must try to touch the coin with his earlobe in time to the music. So the guy went home and practiced this all week long.

The next week the instructor told him to do the same thing with his left shoulder.

The next lesson he was told to pretend that there was a 50 cent piece on his penis and he had to flip it into the air and catch it again.

The week before the dance he had his last lesson. This time the instructor told him to pretend to bounce a $1 coin on his butt.

The night of the dance came and he met a girl. They danced and danced and the whole time he was saying, “10 cents, 10 cents, 50 cents, a dollar.” The girl was so impressed she asked the man to make love to her the same way that he danced.

So they got back to her house and went for it. “10 cents, 10 cents, 50 cents, a dollar. 10 cents, 10 cents… oh fuck it, a dollar seventy, a dollar seventy, a dollar seventy…”