black suit

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mella,
Not a creature was stirrin’,
Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
When up on da roof
I heard somethin’ pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, “YO! Keep it down!”
When what to my
Wanderin’ eyes should appear,
But da Don of all elfs,
And eight friggin’ reindeer!
Wit’ slicked back black hair,
And a silk red suit,
don Christopher wuz here,
And he brought da loot!
Wit’ a slap to dare snouts,
And a yank on dare manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
“Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!”
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
He flew troo da winda
And slapped me ’side da head.
“What da hell you doin’
Pullin’ a gun on da Don?
Now all you’re gettin’ is coal,
You friggin’ moron!”
Den pointin’ a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He twisted his pinky ring,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screamin’,
Away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin’.
Den I heard him yell out,
What I did least expect,
“Merry Friggin’ Christmas to all,
And yous better show some respect!”

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig. One day, this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig’s house and said, “I’m gonna huff, and puff and blow your house down.”

So he did! The straw pig went running over to the stick pig’s house and said “Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!!”

So the stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said, “I’m going to Huff and puff and blow your house down!” And he did!

The straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig’s house and said “Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and we’re scared!!!” So the brick pig let them in.

The wolf caught up with them and said “I’m going to huff, and puff and blow your house down.” While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were so scared, but the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend. A few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black
stretch limo drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedoras.

These huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to beat the crap out of him. One of them pulled out a gun and fired into the wolf’s mouth. They left the wolf for dead, got back into their Limo and drove off.

The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed!!! They asked the brick pig, “Who the hell were those guys?”

The brick pig said “Oh, those are my cousins…the Guinea Pigs.”

You know you should retire to Florida….

When your wife gives your favorite polyester leisure suit to Goodwill and a teenager shows up at your door wearing it on Halloween night.

When you throw away your alarm clock and let your bladder wake you up at 7am every morning.

When you mention Pearl Harbor to your Grandson and he says he heard of her didn’t she use to sing with a big band?

When you realize that you have underwear older than the quarterback on your favorite NFL team.

When you discover that the lifetime guarantees on everything you own has expired.

When you turn on your computer and DOS 3.5 comes up as your operating system.

When the kids at Burger King are getting paid more than you ever made per hour in your life.

When an aluminum walker becomes your main form of transportation.

When the only bird you can name is the Early Bird.

When you try to lick a stamp that is self-adhesive.

When you find you have a full-length beaver coat in your closet.

When the can of Coffee in your kitchen cupboard is Pre-Columbian.

When you find out the house next door sold for $250,000 and you paid only $18,000 for yours.

When all you ever watch on TV is the History channel and Turners Movie Classics.

When your Limo driver shows up at the front door in a new black suite and you think he’s the undertaker.

When all those brown spots on your arms and hands will not wash off.

When you drop off your teeth at the dentist’s office to be worked on.

When you have a key ring with over 30 keys on it and all you really use are two.

When your favorite shoes are white and your favorite slacks are lime green.

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to go get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, “Mama! I have someone for you to meet.”

Well, it was an immediate hit! They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what THAT means.

One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there, she undresses. There she stands– nude except for a pair of black, lacy panties. He, in his birthday suit, looks at her and asks, “Why the panties?”

She replies, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there, I am still in mourning.” He knows he’s not getting lucky that night.

The following night, the same scenario. Her standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit…except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, “What’s with this…a black condom?”

He replies, “I’m going to offer my condolences.”

Julius and Irving, two very religious Jewish men, visited Marcus Pinkus the tailor to have new black suits made. When they went to pick up the suits, Julius looked at his suit very carefully; held it up to the light, walked over to the window and examined it more carefully and then proclaimed, “Marcus, this suit is navy blue. It’s not black!”

“Trust me,” said Marcus, “it’s black!”

“Irving, what do you think? Blue, or black?” asked Julius.

“To tell you the truth,” said Irving, “I couldn’t really tell you from this light if it’s blue or black.”

They left wearing their new suits and while walking down the street kept examining each other’s suit to see if it was blue or black. Then they spotted two nuns standing on the corner and decided to go stand next to them. They knew their habits would be black and this way they could be sure.

Well, later that afternoon, the two nuns returned to the convent and visited with Mother Superior to discuss their day in the city. “A very strange thing occurred,” reported one of the nuns. “Two Jewish men approached us on the street and they were speaking Latin!”

“Latin?” exclaimed Mother Superior. “Jewish men don’t speak Latin; they speak Hebrew!”

“No,” said the other nun. “It was definitely Latin!”

“Well, what did they say exactly?” asked the Mother Superior.

“I’m not really sure,” said one of the nuns. “They just kept repeating the same Latin phrase, “Marcus Pinkus Fuctus!”