blow up

Twas the night before crisis,
And behind White House doors,
Not a creature was stirring,
Especially Al Gore.

The interns were nestled,
Dressed in their berets,
In hopes that Saint Bubba
Would come out to play.

When on the East Lawn,
There arose such a clatter,
Even Sam Donaldson
Lost control of his bladder.

Away to our TVs
We flew like a flash,
There’s a special report,
And it’s pre-empting M*A*S*H!

And what to our wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a homely lil’ troll,
With tapes for us to hear.

With a K-Mart bought blazer,
And a bad frizzy ‘do,
And a tale to be told-
To me, and to you.

On the chair! On the carpet!
On the Oval Office desk!
With a chubby young intern,
Who was all eyes and chest.

The Pres had been careless,
Indeed, dumb and dumber.
Now the whole world knew
Bubba Had gotten a hummer.

And Monica Lewinsky
Emerged from the rubble,
If she’d just kept her mouth shut,
We’d not have all this trouble.

And thus set in motion,
A whole web o’ spiders,
With pundits galore,
And “White House insiders.

You ask, “Who would care
About Bill and his penis?”
Republican Ken Starr,
And he’s armed with subpoenas!

More rapid than eagles,
Process servers, they flew!
“Here’s one for you!
And for you! And you, too!”

“Now Jordan! Now Cockell!
Is there anyone else?!?
Let’s subpoena the lawyers!
And Bubba himself!!”

“We want you to tell us
About Bill’s private life,
And anyone he sleeps with,
‘cept, of course, his wife.”

And many months later,
After long we’ve all suffered,
Let’s examine more closely
Just what Starr’s uncovered.

We’ve learned “Little Bill”
Has a mind of his own,
He likes to get blown!

A funny fact surfaced,
After 40 million bucks:
Seems most people don’t care
Just who Clinton, er, makes love to.

The economy’s great,
And shows no signs of slowing.
Hell, we hope Ms. Lewinsky
NEVER stops blowing!

Now the public’s grown weary.
Will this sleaze never end?
We just want to get back
To “E.R.”, and to “Friends.”

Now Monica, Linda-
And Ken Starr, you all suck-
Get the hell off my TV,
Your 15 minutes are up.

Since going beyond the speed limit is the national sport in many countries, there is universal disdain for those uniformed creatures who stop you while you are driving. Here are a few things best left unsaid.

- Hey, you must’ve been doing’ about 125 to keep up with me! Good job!

- Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

- I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

- Excuse me. Is “stick up” hyphenated?

- Hi Officer, do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver’s license?

- You know, I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

- “Bad Cop! No Doughnut!”

- You’re NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?

- “Lets do it different this time… I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow”

- Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on COPS last week?

- Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend’s bed.

- I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket .

- So, uh, you “on the take”, or what?

- Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!

- Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

- So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn’t let you play with your gun when you were little?

- Is that a 9 mm? That’s nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

- When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the Camcorder.

- Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

ONE- Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

TWO- If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don’t try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

THREE- Quit blowing smoke up women’s asses about the sanctity and power they possess as life-givers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare, and we won’t have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.

FOUR- Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at say, Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn’t you, because he’s a slacking, worthless, toady idiot.

Now, imagine making 30 percent less than Carl.

FIVE- This is very important: During lovemaking, don’t ask, “Who’s your Daddy?” even as a joke, all right? It’s not funny.

SIX- When her mouth moves, pay attention; words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.

SEVEN- Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rockstars to have women their own age in their videos.

EIGHT- Don’t ask her if she came. You’re a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.

NINE- Don’t tell her how to merge and she won’t tell you to ask for directions.

TEN- When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

So guys, at the end of the day, what women want is this: Equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are.

Or if that’s too much to ask, how about a big fucking diamond the size of your head?

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER

-8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
-8.30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday
-8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents - expensive jewelery chosen by thoughtful partner
-9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
-10.00 Light work out at club with handsome funny personal trainer
-10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry
-12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
-12.45 Catch sight of husband/ boyfriend’s ex and notices she has gained 7kg
-1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit 3.00 Nap
-4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card id from secret admirer
-4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
-5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror
-7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
-10.00 Hot shower (alone)
-10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen)
-11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
-11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM

-6.00 Alarm
- 6.15 Blow job
-6.30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section
-7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench
- 7.30 Limo arrives
- 7.45 Several Whiskeys en-route to airport
-9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet
-9.30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club (blow job en-route)
-9.45 Play front nine (2 under)
-11.45 Lunch Pie, chips and gravy, 3lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
-12.15 Blow job
-12.30 Play back nine (4 under)
-2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Whiskeys)
-2.30 Fly to Monte Carlo
-3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)
-4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle
-5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson
-6.45 Shit, Shower and Shave
-7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marajuana and porn legalised
-7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy filet steak followed by ice cream served on a pair of tits
-9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch international match of the day; England beating Germany
11-0
-9.30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies)
-11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale
-11.30 A night cap blowjob
-11.45 In bed alone
-11.50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.

Here’s one for the women:
ADD a bed SUBTRACT your clothes DIVIDE your legs so we can MULTIPLY.

Yo mama got more extensions than AT&T.

Yo mama so fat her blood type is rocky road.

Yo mama so old when Moses parted the Red Sea she was taking a swim.

Yo family so black if they hold hands they look like a stretch limo.

Yo mama so stupid she thought Taco Bell was a phone company.

Yo mama so fat she wore black and white and evryone started screaming Free Willy.

Yo mama so bald headed when she gets in the shower she gets brain washed .

Yo mama so bald if she wears a turtle neck she looks like a busted condom.

Yo mama so fat to have sex with her you have to slap her thigh and ride the wave in.

Yo mama so ugly I took her to a dog show….. She won.

Yo mama so ugly you can press her face in dough and make gorilla cookies.

Yo mama so nasty she only changes her underwear evey 3000 miles.

Yo mama so stupid she gave your uncle a blow job to help his unemployment.

Yo mama house so small the welcome mat only says wel.

Yo house so small I dropped my hanky and there was all 2 wall carpet …..In every room.

The government wont let your mom wear an X jacket because helicopters keep landing on her back.

Yo mama so fat after sex she smokes ham.

Yo mama has a vibrator ……with a gas engine.

Yo mama got a glass eye and always saying I’ll keep an eye out for you.