blow up

Three guys, a father, son, and grandfather go out to play a round of golf. As they are on the way out to the first tee they are joking, bullshitting, and cussing, very much the men’s day out. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says that her partner didn’t show and asks if she can join them.

The guys say sure, since she is a really beautiful woman.

The kid kind of grumbles that now they can’t cuss and bullshit around.

The lady turns to the three of them and says, “I don’t care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit or whatever, just don’t try to coach me on my game.”

The guys say O.K. and ask if she would like to tee off first.

All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up as she bends over to place the ball.

She then proceeds to knock the shit out of the ball right up the middle.

She just starts pounding these guys, par every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12 foot putt for par.

She turns around and says, “You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game, I have never shot par before and I am going to ask all of your opinions in this putt. Now if any of those opinions help me make the par I will give each of you a blow job that you will never forget.”

The guys think what a deal. The kid walks over eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes and finally says, “Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole, the ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and will go in the cup.”

The father walks up and says, “Don’t listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall in the cup.”

The grandfather looks at the both of them in disgust, walks over picks up the ball and says, “Fuck the putt, that’s a Gimme.”

A man entered the zoo one day. He was walking past the ape cage when a strong wind blew up, stirring a great deal of dust. Some got in the man’s eye, so he reached up and began tugging on his eyelid to remove it. An ape saw this and charged the cage, ripped apart the bars, and proceeded to pummel the man. When the zookeeper finally hauled the ape off, the man asked what that was all about. “Well,” said the keeper, “in ape language, tugging on your eyelid means ‘Fuck you.’”

The man went home, thinking of revenge. Then he came up with an idea. He thought of the phrase “Monkey see, monkey do.” He went to the store the next day and bought two hats, two whistles, two knives, and a sausage. he put the sausage in his pants and brought the rest to the zoo. When he saw the ape who tackled him, he threw a hat, a whistle, and a knife into the cage.

He then put the hat on. The ape did also. He picked up the whistle and started blowing in it, as did the ape. Then he unzipped his pants, pulled out the sausage and cut it in half with the knife. The ape looked at him, looked at the sausage, then reached up and tugged on his eyelid.

Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT!

Save Your Breath . . . You’ll need it to blow up your date!

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

A list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

3. Gun wounds again?

4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

5. A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.

6. Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

7. Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.

8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

9. Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.

10. You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

11. I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!

12. You daring lousy guy.

13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.

15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!

16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

And finally…

18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Human Resources

It has been brought to Management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

SO…

TRY SAYING
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF
When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING
I’m certain that this is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF
No fucking way!!

TRY SAYING
Really?
INSTEAD OF
You’ve got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING
Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF
Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING
Of course I’m concerned.
INSTEAD OF
Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING
I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF
It’s not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING
That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF
What the fuck?!?!

TRY SAYING
I’m not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF
Fuck it, it won’t work.

TRY SAYING
I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF
Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING
Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF
Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING
He’s not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF
He’s got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING
Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF
Eat shit and die motherfucker.

TRY SAYING
So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF
Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING
I’m a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF
Fuck it, I’m on salary.

TRY SAYING
I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF
Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF
This job sucks.

TRY SAYING
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF
Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING
I see.
INSTEAD OF
Blow me.

TRY SAYING
Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF
Another fucking meeting!!!

TRY SAYING
I don’t think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF
I really don’t give a shit.

TRY SAYING
He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF
He’s a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING
She’s an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF
She’s a ball busting bitch.