blow up

You go up to a women and say, “You wanna play army?” If they say yes respond, “Then get down on the ground and blow my head off!”

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an amblulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up-righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street, accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”

Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a timeout.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

“Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.

Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

THE PERFECT WOMAN

1. I wanna swallow it all…I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?

3. I’m bored. Wanna shave my pussy?

4. Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies?

5. That was a great fart. Do another.

6. I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

7. You’re soooo sexy when you’re hungover.

8. I’d rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

9. Let’s subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Let’s go down to the mall so you can check out women’s asses.

12. I’ll be outside mowing the lawn.

13. Honey, our neighbor’s daughter is sunbathing topless again. Come see.

14. I know it’s a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?

15. No, you watch the game. I’ll take the car to have the oil changed.

16. Do me a favor. I don’t want anything for Valentine’s Day. Buy yourself new clubs.

17. Don’t worry about our anniversary. You go hunting with the guys.

18. What do you say we get a good porno flick, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Debbie over for a threesome.

19. Oh, no, not the mall again. Let’s go to that new strip joint.

20. Baby, I make enough money for both of us. Why don’t you retire and get that handicap down to 7 or 8.

21. Sweetie, you need your sleep. I’ll do the night feedings.

22. God…if I don’t get to blow you soon, I swear I’m gonna bust.

23. I signed up for yoga so I can get my ankles behind my head for you.

24. Would you like me to get implants?

25. Ahh ya big silly, those male strippers have nothing on you.

1: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block!

2: What do you say to a blonde that won’t give in?
“Have another beer.”

3: What’s a blonde’s favorite wine?
“Daddy! I want to go to Miami

4: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde are walking down the street. They spot a $100 on the ground. Who gets it?
Nobody. The first four don’t exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

5: A Policeman pulls over a blonde in a sports car over for speeding. While he is trying to explain to her what and where her driver’s license is. Finally, after she gives him her driver’s license, he asks for registration. Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, “It’s that little piece of paper with you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment.” Excited “Ah,” she says as she bends over to get it.

While she is tearing throught the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his ‘member’ out. Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, “Oh, no!!! Not another breathalizer test!”

6: Why did they call the blonde twinkie?
She like to be filled with cream.

7: How do you change a blonde’s mind?
Blow in her ear.

8: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
I don’t know, there are some things even a blonde won’t do.

9: There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The DJ was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, “You bimbo, it’s blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I’d come out there and give you what’s coming to you!”

10: Why don’t blondes call 911 in an emergency?
They can’t remember the number.

11: Why do blondes look up and snile at lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

12: Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called “How to Hug”? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume 7 of an encyclopedia.

13: A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: “I’ll have a B and C.”
Bartender: “What is a B and C?”.
Brunette: “Bourbon and Coke.”
Redhead: “And, I’ll have a G and T.”
Bartender: “What’s a G and T?”
Redhead: “Gin and tonic.”
Blonde: “I’ll have a 15.”
Bartender: “What’s a 15?”
Blonde: “7 and 7″

14: What’s the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline!

15: What is a bellybutton for?
It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.

16: What do UFO’s and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

17: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop.

18: A blond and a brunette jump off the Empire State Building. It takes thelond 3 minutes longer to hit the ground than it does or the brunette. Why?
She had to stop to ask for directions

19: A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun — they just don’t remember who with.

20: What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost their popularity?
B.J.

21: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head?
Sweet —- All

22: What did the blonde’s mom say to her before the blonde’s date?
If you’re not in bed by 12, come home.

23: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.

24: Why can’t blondes count to 70?
Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

25: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
She moved.

26: Why do blondes have square breasts?
Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box!!!

27: Why do blondes have more fun?
Because they don’t know any better.

28: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
She turned it over and used the other side.

29: What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag?
“Debbie…that’s cute. What did you name the other one?”

30: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747.

31: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

32: How does a blond turn the light on after sex?
She opens the door.

33: Three blondes were walking through the desert when found a magic Genie’s lamp The Genie came out and said: “I will grant three wishes, one for each of you.”

The first said, “I wish I were smarter.” So she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, “I wish I were smarter than her.” She became a brunette.

The third blonde said, “I wish I were smarter than both of them.” So she became a man.

34: How do you keep a blond in suspense?
Tell you later!

35: What do blondes say after sex?
“Thanks, guys!”

36: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
More leg room!

37: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

38: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
She fell out of the tree.

39: Why couldn’t the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
She didn’t know what ONE came first…

40: How can you confuse a blond?
Put her in a round room and tell her to site in the corner.

41: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
You lick’em, stick’em, and send’em on their way.

42: Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?
“Oh, it’s not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. We’re just going to sell drinks!!!

43: How do blond brain cells die?
Alone

44: What do you call a blond with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant!

45: What’s a blonde’s idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.

46: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”

47: A blonde was telling a priest a Polish joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, “Don’t you know I’m Polish?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the blonde apologizes, “Do you want me to start over and talk slower?”

48: What did the blonds left leg say to her right?
Nothing, they’ve never met!

49: What is a blonde’s idea of dental floss?
Pubic hair.

50: A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met St. Peter who said, “Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test.”

“Oh, no!” she said, but St. Peter said not to worry he’d make it easy.

“Who was God’s son?” said St. Peter.

The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said, “Andy!”

“That’s interesting… What made you say that?” asked St. Peter.

Then she started to sing, “Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me…”

51: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
They both drip when they’re screwed.

52: What’s the difference between a blond on her back and a turtle on it’s back?
None, they are both screwed!

53: A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says, “Open wide”.

“I can’t,” replies the blonde, “the chair’s fitted with arms.”

54: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A branch manager.

55: Why did God create blondes?
Because sheep can’t bring beer from the fridge.

55a: Why did God create brunettes?
Neither could the blondes.

56: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.

57: What do call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

58: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change.

59: Why do blondes take the pill?
So they know what day of the week it is.

60: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
The Grand Old Duke of York only ‘had’ 10,000 men.

61: What’s the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
It costs 10p to use a telephone!

62: Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus

63: After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it
in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, “Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those.”

64: What do blondes and McDonald’s have in common?
Over five billion served

65: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won’t follow you around for a week!

66: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted

67: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
They heard under seventeen weren’t admitted!!!

68: A gorgeous young blonde woman gets sick and tired of men trying to pick her up in bars because she’s beautiful, blonde, and so men thought she was easy.

One day, she decides to show everyone. She goes home and decides to smarten herself up. She decides to learn the capitals of all the fifty states. Week after week she practices until she knows them all. Finally, she is once again ready to go back to the bar. She sits down and
after a few seconds and guy comes up to her and starts hitting on her. It is soon evident that he just wants to take her home and have sex with her.

The lovely blonde says emphatically, “But I’m not just beautiful! I’m smart too!!”

“Yeah, yeah. I believe you,” says the young stud. “Now let’s go.”

Again she protests. “No, really I am smart. I know the capitals of all the states.”

The guy starts walking away, getting sick of her. She follows him. “Really, go ahead ask me a state. I’ll give you its capital and show you how smart I am.”

Just to get rid of her, the guy says, “Fine. What’s the capital of New Mexico?”

The breathtaking blonde looks at him proudly and says. “New Mexico has two capitals: ‘N’ and ‘M’.”

69: Three pregnant women, again a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, are sitting in a room trying to figure out who’s the father of their babies.
The brunette says “My baby’s either Steve’s or Jim’s.”
The redhead says “Mine’s either John’s or Bob’s.”
The blonde thought for a moment then said in a puzzled voice “I wonder if it’s mine.”

70: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
They both have a black box.

71: What do you call a blonde that just won the lottery?
Easy money

72: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her that she’s pregnant.

73: What’s the difference between a blonde and a limo?
Not everyone’s been in a limo!

74: A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were sitting around trying to compare their boyfriends to brands of pop.

The redhead said, “My boyfriend’s like 7-Up. He’s seven inches long and he’s always up.”

The brunette said, “My boyfriend’s like Mountain Dew. He loves to do it in the mountains all the time.”

The blonde said, “My boyfriend’s like Jack Daniels.”

The brunette cut in, “You can’t use Jack Daniels. That’s a hard liquor.”

A smile crossed the blonde’s face. “I know.”

75: What does a blonde say when asked if her blinker light is on?
They’re broken, they’re working, they’re not working, working, not working….

76: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.

77: There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she was too tired to go on, then she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too.”

So she swam out 19 miles from the island. The mainland was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on!” So she swam back to the island.

78: Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory?
Because she threw out all the W’s.

79: How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.

80: How do you confuse a blonde?
You don’t. They’re born that way.

81: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
From dating blonde men.

82: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.

83: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
Grade 4

84: A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers. She walks up to the pharmacist and asks “How much for a box of rubbers?”

“They’re $1 for a box of 3,” he replied, “Plus 6
cents for the tax.”

“Oh,” said the blonde, “I wondered how they kept them on.”