blow up

One evening a man was eating peanuts by throwing them in the air and catching them in his mouth. As he threw one in the air, his wife asked him a question. When the man turned his head, the peanut fell in his ear. He tried to get it out, but his fingers were too big. His wife tried to get the peanut out with a pair of tweezers, but just pushed it in farther. They finally decided to go to the hospital.

As they were about to leave, their daughter and her date came home. They told them their situation and the daughter’s date explained that he was hoping to enter med school and that he could get it out for him.

He then put his two fingers in her father’s nose and told him to blow real hard. It worked and the peanut popped out.

The daughter and her date went upstairs and the man and his wife talked about how smart the boy was coming up with that idea.

The man’s wife asked, “I wonder what he’s going to be when he grows up?”

The man says, “From the smell of his fingers, I’d say he’s going to be our son-in-law.”

An elderly man was walking along the beach in miamI while his wife slept late at their hotel. He came upon a bottle with a cork. He pulled the cork and lo and behold, out came an enormous genie.

“Hello, genie”, said Morris.

“I will grant you one wish,” said the genie, “and if I can’t grant that wish, I will grant you another one.”

“Ok” said Morris. He picked up a shell and drew a map in the sand. “Here’s Israel, here’s Lebanon, here’s Syria, here’s Egypt. My wish is that all the Middle East should live in peace forever.”

The genie scratched his head and said, “What’s your second wish?”

“Well, for fifty years Becky and I have been happily married but in fifty years she never gave me a blow job. That’s my second wish.”

The genie scratched his head again for a moment and said, “Let’s have another look at that map.”

Math Education
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Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a
set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is
worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set
“M”.
The set “C”, the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set
“M.”
Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following
question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your
assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the
logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did
the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company
improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain
per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80?
Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages
investment.

Teaching Math in 1997: A company out-sources all of its loggers.
The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down,
the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger
employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation,
a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger
charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and
a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the
logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16
executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails
a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing
the loggers a good move for the company?

Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for
blowing way several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in
order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the
automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?

Did you hear about the man that tried to blow up his car?

He burnt his lips on the tailpipe.

I have always been a critic of Seattle driving, but recently I had a chance to see how others drive in far away countries, such as China. Since then, I have developed a profound respect for how we drive here in the Northwest. Why? What could be so bad about the driving in China? Here is a collection of short observations I have made riding in the Great Country of China.

While Driving in China………………………

Traffic signals are (how should I put it…) optional.

Right of way is determined by vehicle weight.

On any given street every car is driving parallel, but none will be driving co-linear.

In taking any 3 consecutive Chinese drivers, 1 will be driving over the median.

In merging lanes, Chinese drivers feel the need to drive neck and neck until the last moment when one finally chickens out.

Whenever a Chinese person crosses the street by foot, he will not consider such meaningless factors as how many cars are on the road, or how fast they are going.

If while crossing the street, a Chinese bicyclist gets 4 beeps from a Bus, 3 beeps from your taxi, and 5 loud horns from a speeding truck, all while going against traffic, he will not so much as turn his head to acknowledge.

Take every gas you find in the Periodic table, Mix this with every gas you would find at a Nuclear power plant, add mustard gas, SMOG, Agent Orange, MACE, and sulfuric acid, this is was comes out of the average car’s tail pipe. A one time drive while riding behind a bus, had identical health effects as 12 years of smoking.

What do Chinese people drive? Hard to answer that, but try to imagine this… Gather the 100 most brilliant and renowned German Auto Engineers, get them really drunk, and give them 24 hours to build a car while wearing mittens.

—–Taxi Driving in China——–

While riding a taxi, If you should ever get the notion to open the window and stick your hand out, you will knock over the first bicyclist, who, upon hitting the ground, will be run over by the second bicyclist.

If ever going from point A to point B, it is faster to drive on the wrong side of the street, your taxi driver will.

While riding from point A to point B in a taxi, you will spend roughly 20% of the time driving, 15% to beeping the horn, 40% to changing lanes, 15% driving on the sidewalk, & 10% driving in the wrong lane.

U-turns, though dangerous are permitted in China; luckily taxi drivers will use extra precautions, like waiting until rush hour traffic, and they will only attempt u-turns in carefully selected places, like busy intersections.

A taxi driver will whiz by within 1 foot of a pedestrian, come within 6 inches of a bicyclist, yet swerve violently 2 lanes to miss a pot hole.

Taxies have an auto-regulating temperature, whereby if a passenger opens a window to cool off, the driver’s hand will slowly move over to turn on the heater; Yet if the passenger turns on the heater, the driver’s hand will slowly open his window.

Traffic jams are common, but Chinese drivers believe traffic jams can be cured by the sonic harmony of every car’s horn.

Foreigners need to be careful when speaking their native tongue, for some phrases translate irregularly.

For example,

1. When speaking to a taxi driver…”Verooom please hurry” translates to …
“Please go through every red light, and get real close to that pedestrian.”

2. “I speak English” translated by a taxi driver means
“Please take the long expensive route”

Taxi companies only purchase luxury cars, whereby after the passenger is in, there remains a spacious 1 cubic foot to put his luggage.

In any taxi the handle for the Turn signal will be pristine and untouched, yet the horn will be worn down to the nub.

Taxi drivers have many options when changing lanes, after they change lanes they can either…
A. Look in their rear view to see if they cut anyone off, or
B. Listen for the other driver’s horn.

New Year’s Fireworks in CHINA…

I was staying in a large apartment park, where half the population of Seattle can be found in 5 square block. For the Chinese New Year, it is traditional for every family to light fireworks, All the people were on one side of the street and all the fireworks were done on the other side. Many images came to mind…
a. Take the most powerful fireworks mankind has ever
made, give them to a bunch of 10 year old kids, and
confine them to a space of 15 square feet.
b. About 1 in 10 fireworks would drift over into the
crowd and blowup.
c. The Noise…roughly 1000 firecrackers going off per second, and 10x that going off from other places around the city.
Imagine having a truck 2 feet behind you, beeping like crazy, and you not realize it until the driver gets out and tells you to move.
d. Crossing the Street, from the Crowd side to the Fireworks side is a once in a life time experience. You not only have to worry about 200 kids Fire-grenades coming your way, you also have to dodge traffic, which seams to be unaffected by the fireworks. The casualty rate for those who tried to cross this divide, were slightly better than storming the beaches at Normandy.

Shopping in China
Go to a store and watch a Chinese person purchase an item for $10, go over to that item, pick it up, watch the price magically go to $80, while a small voice are the corner goes, “Hello, I got bargain for you.”