blow up

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town, received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why this regularity.

“I’m foreman of the local sawmill,” he explained. “Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time.”

The operator giggled, “That’s really funny,” she said. “All this time we’ve been setting our clock by your whistle!”

The Nice Guy

1. How do you typically look when you arrive to pick up your date?
A. I wear my church clothes
B. I like to dress up. Sometimes I bring a small present or flowers
C. I dress casually unless I am very impressed with the woman
D. I’m late, dress as I want, and if I bring anything it’s a sixpack of beer
E. I take a knife

2.”Women are special.” Is this statement true?
A. Yes, but they scare me
B. Most always
C. Sometimes
D. One or two, but only temporarily until I have my way with them. And I will have my way with them
E. Only when tied and gagged

3. Generally, when a girl cancels out of a date…
A. NOT APPLICABLE. I don’t get the date in the first place
B. I get a weak excuse if I get one at all
C. She says she is sorry and would like to make it another time
D. She cries and begs for forgiveness. The only excuse I’ll accept is death-Hers
E. She moves, changes her name, and gets plastic surgery

4. When I meet a girl, I…
A. talk about mother
B. want to get to know her, find out who she is, and what she does
C. want to get to know her, but only if she is worth it
D. I see a conquest in the making
E. usually scare them off

5. I think women are…
A. like dear old mother
B. should be put on a pedestal
C. fanstastic sometimes
D. good for only one thing
E. the scourge of the earth

6. A girl cancels a date, gives a feeble excuse, and in the process, blows your weekend.
A. you cry
B. you assume she told the truth and wanted to go with you
C. you are disappointed but might try again
D. it never occurs. If it did, there are others waiting in the aisles
E. You set dynamite to her house/apartment

7. On Valentine’s Day…
A. I get a card from Mom
B. I send cards, but receive few
C. I get some cards and send a few
D. I get a lot of cards and read only the ones I want. I send no cards unless it scores points I can collect on later
E. I don’t get any cards and I blame all women for it

8. I get dates…
A. through Mother
B. through a great deal of effort, including groveling and expensive offerings
C. easily some times and hard other times. My success runs hot and cold
D. without effort. Many times they ask me
E. if I pay for them to go. Sometimes that just isn’t enough

9. When I am at a bar…
A. I don’t go to bars
B. I rarely get anywhere with women
C. I occasionally get a phone number
D. I score frequently
E. I drink till I pass out. Of course, this is only if they let me in

10. A girl I date for a long time quits seeing me because…
A. I am boring
B. I don’t know why, many times it is for someone else
C. we fight too much
D. I told her to get lost, or she caught me fooling around
E. I threatened her life

11. When I settle down…
A. I want someone to help me tie my shoes and dress me
B. I want to get married and live like Ozzie and Harriet with lots of kids
C. I might want to get married. Kids are a maybe
D. I’ll settle down when I am dead and buried
E. I can’t settle down. The world is after me

12. Marriage…
A. is for grownups
B. is a pleasant way to spend a life
C. might be nice
D. is a mistake unless she is rich and beautiful and doesn’t mind when I fool around
E. is impossible

13. If I ever got married I would…
A. have to have Mother’s approval
B. be forever faithful
C. be faithful, maybe
D. be faithful at least the first week, or until the first opportunity
to score, which ever comes first
E. lock her in a closet to keep her away from other men

14. I get laid…
A. What does “getting laid” mean?
B. at least once every two years, sometimes
C. a few times a year
D. I’m not sure how many times, but it’s somewhere between 365 times a year and whatever my hero Wilt Chamberlain says is his yearly average
E. never. But I get screwed a lot

15. Look at your charge card bills. Those related to women are…
A. mostly things I get for my mom
B. for dinners, flowers, presents, plays, etc.
C. for sports events, dinner, concerts, occasionally flowers
D. I never pay. If I do it is to buy beer or tickets to professional wrestling or a tractor pull. Look on my date’s credit card bill to see the places I take her.
E. for semi-automatic weapons

Take your test results and grade it by giving each “A” answer 0 points, 1 point for each “B” answer, and so on up to 4 points for each answer “E”.
Total your score and refer to the five groupings below:

0-8 MAMA‘S BOY
Move back home, if you aren’t there already. You are looking for a girl just like the girl who married dear old dad. Women like that don’t exist, and if they do, they don’t have any interest in you. If a Mama’s boy gets married, it is usually to a husband beater. They
are very rare and hopeless cases.

If you are a woman and like this type of man, they are an easy kill. .They are great if you want someone to control or abuse, or you want someone who can not possibly fool around on you. It is prefereable that he has money or stands to gain from an inheritance. The negative side is that you will have to fight with his mother (who probably lives with you) over him, listen to his elephant jokes, and watch him read his subscription to “Mad” Magazine.
famous examples- Felix Unger in the Odd couple and Walter Mitty

9-22 MR. NICE GUY
You poor sap. You are everything a girl thinks she wants but not what she is attracted to. Women chew you up and spit you out. You never get laid.

If you are a woman and a guy you date rates as this type, you have it made. The problem is there is no thrill of victory and little danger of loss that can keep him interesting. If you have a conscience, you feel bad when
you inevitably dump him.
famous examples- ROSS, Harry Connick Jr. (his image anyway), Bobby Ewing in Dallas, Tom Selleck, and Joel from Risky Business

23-37 MR. AVERAGE
Sometimes you are Mr. Nice Guy, and sometimes you aren’t. It depends on the woman in question. For men of this type, It means that you probably want what you probably can’t get.

For women, if he is strongly attracted to you, he will do anything for you and behaves like Mr. Nice guy. If he is not attracted to you, he acts like Mr. Abuse
famous examples- Burt Reynolds, Bruce Springstein, Chandler?, Joey?

38-52 MR. ABUSE
Mr. Abuse is the most sucessful with women. He is the one who gives the least and gets the most. Rampant outbreaks of VD can usually be controlled from this source. Cure him, and you have cured the problem.

For women who seek such a man, he will ruin you, but the thrill of the chase, the desire to win over and conquer him intrigues you and makes your life worth living.
famous examples- Wilt Chamberlain, Mike Tyson, J.R. Ewing, John Derek, James Dean, Marlon Brando, Rob Lowe, Mickey O’Rourke, Jim Morrison, Pablo Piccasso, Teddy Kennedy, and PAULO

53-60 MR. PSYCHO
You should be in Jail.

If you are a woman and this man comes to your home, pull out your .44 magnum, open the door, and let him make your day. Mr. Psycho is as rare as Mama’s boy. If you are attracted to such a man, seek a Doctors help immediately.
famous examples- John Hinkley Jr., Woody Allen, Richard Speck, David Koresh, Richard Ramierez, Ted Bundy, and Kevin Coe.

YO MAMMA IS SO FAT
•Yo momma so fat her nickname is “DAMN!”
•Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
•Yo momma so fat we’re in her right now
•Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise
•Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
•Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
•Yo mamma so fat you have to roll over twice to get off her…
•Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the New World
•Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
•Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her, your ears pop!
•Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!
•Yo momma so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says “okay!”
•Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said “Taxi!”
•Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
•Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
•Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
•Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
•Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave., she landed on 12th
•Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
•Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear “Caution! Wide Turn”
•Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
•Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads “One at a time, please!”
•Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can’t hear the stereo.
•Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
•Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
•Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, “Sorry, we don’t do livestock.”
•Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
•Yo momma so fat she’s got her own area code!
•Yo momma so fat she looks like she’s smuggling a Volkswagen!
•Yo momma so fat God couldn’t light Earth till she moved!
•Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
•Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
•Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, LA, Chicago…
•Yo momma so fat she’s got Amtrak written on her leg.
•Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn’t pay for her liposuction!
•Yo momma so fat her legs are like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
•Yo momma so fat you have to roll her ass in flour and look for the wet spot to have sex with her
•Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side!
•Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
•Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
•Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington’s nose.
•Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God’s bowling ball!
•Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
•Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell!
•Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
•Yo momma so fat she’s got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
•Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be aerial views!
•Yo momma so fat she’s on both sides of the family!
•Yo momma so fat every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
•Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
•Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
•Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
•Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
•Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!
•Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
•Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she’s wearing tights!
•Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car!
•Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
•Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
•Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
•Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
•Yo momma so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
•Yo momma so fat when she back up she beep.
•Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
•Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get again.
•Yo momma so fat she influences the tides.
•Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
•Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
•Yo momma so fat she was baptized at Marine World.
•Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
•Yo momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn’t cover her
•Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones.
•Yo momma so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass
•Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through
•Yo momma so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
•Yo momma so fat that she can’t tie her own shoes.
•Yo momma so fat she sets off car alarms when she runs.
•Yo momma so fat she can’t reach her back pocket.
•Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcolm X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
•Yo momma so fat she lays on the beach and Greenpeace tried to push her back in the water
•Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
•Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
•Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD’s and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
•Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
•Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
•Yo momma so fat that she would have been in ET, but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
•Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the Super Bowl.
•Yo momma so fat she was baptized in the ocean.
•Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
•Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, “Who threw that rock?”
•Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
•Yo momma so fat that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
•Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!!!
•Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn’t have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
•Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona — class Battleship
•Yo momma so fat she accidentally got a 747 caught in her teeth
•Yo momma so fat to her “light food” means under 4 Tons
•Yo momma so fat The Himalayas are practice runs to prepare for her
•Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!!!
•Yo momma so fat she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to GET OFF!!!
•Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!!!
•Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development
•Yo momma so fat she won “Miss Bessie the Cow 94″
•Yo momma so fat she has her own brand of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans
•Yo momma so fat she has more rolls than a mary jane truck

YO MOMMA SO STUPID
•Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
•Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
•Yo momma so stupid she told everyone that she was “illegitimate” because she couldn’t read
•Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
•Yo momma so stupid she hears it’s chilly outside so she gets a bowl
•Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
•Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
•Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order!
•Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
•Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
•Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
•Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
•Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.
•Yo momma so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
•Yo momma so stupid she asked you “What is the number for 911?”
•Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
•Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put “O.K.”
•Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
•Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.
•Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
•Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
•Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
•Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
•Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
•Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, “Sex?”, she marked, “M, F and sometimes Wednesday too.”
•Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
•Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
•Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonald’s!
•Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
•Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
•Yo momma so stupid she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.
•Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
•Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
•Yo momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
•Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
•Yo momma so stupid that under “Education” on her job application, she put “Hooked on Phonics.”
•Yo momma so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
•Yo momma so stupid she watches “The Three Stooges” and takes notes.
•Yo momma so stupid she was born on Independence Day and can’t remember her birthday.
•Yo momma so stupid she thought gangrene was another golf course
•Yo momma so stupid she couldn’t read an audio book
•Yo momma so stupid it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch.
•Yo momma so stupid she thought the Nazis were saying “Hi! Hitler”
•Yo momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus
•Yo momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg
•Yo momma so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper
•Yo momma so stupid She went to Disney World and saw a sign that said “Disney World Left” so she went home.
•Yo momma so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said “guess” so she said Levi’s

YO MOMMA IS SO UGLY
•Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said “Sorry, no professionals.”
•Yo momma so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
•Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said, “What a treasure!” and her father said, “Yeah, let’s go bury it.”
•Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
•Yo momma so ugly they filmed “Gorillas in the Mist” in her shower
•Yo momma so ugly they didn’t give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
•Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
•Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
•Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras
•Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
•Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
•Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say “Damn, is it Halloween already?”
•Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
•Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she’d have her own projects.
•Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
•Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.
•Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours… for a quote!
•Yo momma so ugly when she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
•Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won’t talk to her!
•Yo momma so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn’t date her!
•Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
•Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
•Yo momma so ugly The NHL banned her for life
•Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
•Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
•Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away.
•Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
•Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.
•Yo momma so ugly your dad’s breath smells like crap because he would rather kiss her ass.
•Yo momma so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow

YO MOMMA SO OLD
•Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.
•Yo momma so old she has Jesus’ beeper number!
•Yo momma so old her social security number is 1!
•Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch.
•Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
•Yo momma so old she owes Jesus 3 bucks!
•Yo momma so old she’s in Jesus’ yearbook!
•Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
•Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
•Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
•Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
•Yo momma so old she ran track with dinosaurs.
•Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
•Yo momma so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade.
•Yo momma so old and stupid she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said, “Li’l Mary will never amount to anything”.
•Yo momma so old she was Jesus’ Wet Nurse
•Yo momma so old she’s blind from the big bang
•Yo momma so old even God calls her mother!

YO MOMMA IS SO DIRTY
•Yo momma so dirty she has to creep up on bath water.

YO MOMMA’S NOSE
•Yo momma nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers!
•Yo momma nose so big she makes Pinocchio look like a cat!

YO MOMMA IS SO GREASY
•Yo momma so greasy she used bacon as a Band-Aid!
•Yo momma so greasy she sweats Crisco!
•Yo momma so greasy Exxon buys oil from her

YO MOMMA’S TEETH
•Yo momma teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
•Yo momma teeth are so yellow she spits butter!
•Yo momma teeth are so yellow I can’t believe it’s not butter

YO MOMMA IS SO LAZY
•Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.

YO MOMMA IS SO SKINNY
•Yo momma so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio
•Yo momma so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
•Yo momma so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared.

YO MOMMA IS SO BALD
•Yo momma so bald even a wig wouldn’t help!
•Yo momma so bald you can see what’s on her mind
•Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.

YO MOMMA IS SO TALL
•Yo momma so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon.
•Yo momma so tall she did a back-flip and kicked Jesus in the mouth.
•Yo momma so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida.

YO MOMMA IS SO FLAT
•Yo momma so flat she makes the wall jealous!

YO MOMMA’S GLASSES
•Yo momma’s glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can seen people waving.
•Yo momma’s glasses are so thick she can see into the future.

YO MOMMA IS SO SHORT
•Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers license!
•Yo momma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
•Yo momma so short she can play handball on the curb.
•Yo momma so short she does back-flips under the bed.
•Yo momma so short she models for trophies.
•Yo momma so short she is the original Q-tip
•Yo momma so short she pole vaults with a toothpick

YO MOMMA IS SO NASTY
•Yo momma so nasty she made Speed Stick slow down.
•Yo momma so nasty she brings crabs to the beach
•Yo momma so nasty she made Right Guard turn left.
•Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave
•Yo momma so nasty she has to creep up on bath water.
•Yo momma so nasty that her crap is glad to escape.
•Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off
•Yo momma so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.
•Yo momma so nasty lice consider her a great vacation place
•Yo momma so nasty she was declared quarantined since before she was born
•Yo momma so nasty she joined the four horsemen: war, death, famine, disease and Yo momma
•Yo momma so nasty her teeth look like she got jumped by the Cavity Creeps!!!
•Yo momma so nasty she has two pussies and they both stink.
•Yo momma so nasty she went swimming and now we have the Dead Sea
•Yo momma so nasty skunks run from her

YO MOMMA IS LIKE
•Yo momma like potato chips– Fri-to Lay
•Yo momma like a screen door, the more you bang her the looser she gets
•Yo momma like the Pillsbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke!
•Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!
•Yo momma like a TV set, even a three year old can turn her on!
•Yo momma like a bus, fifty cents and she’s ready to ride!
•Yo momma like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one!
•Yo momma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country!
•Yo momma like a tomato source bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of her!
•Yo momma like a shotgun: one cock and she blows!
•Yo momma like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw!
•Yo momma like Domino’s pizza– Something for nothing
•Yo momma like a refrigerator: everyone likes to put their meat in her!
•Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
•Yo momma like a rifle… four cocks and she’s loaded.
•Yo momma like a bowling ball. She’s picked up, fingered, and then thrown in the gutter.
•Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long.
•Yo momma like a Toyota: “Oh what a feelin’!”
•Yo momma like Orange Crush: “Good Vibrations!”
•Yo momma like a bubble-gum machine… five cents a blow.
•Yo momma like Chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap!
•Yo momma like a vacuum cleaner…..a real good suck.
•Yo momma like a potato chip seller on 42nd street, “LAYS! LAYS!…”
•Yo momma like castlebury stew: servings are family size

YO MOMMA IS SO HAIRY
•Yo momma so hairy you almost died of rug burn at birth!
•Yo momma so hairy she’s got afros on her nipples!
•Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buckwheat in a headlock.
•Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
•Yo momma so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.
•Yo momma so hairy she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro!
•Yo momma so hairy she shaves with a weedwhacker

YO MOMMA IS SO SLUTTY
•Yo momma so slutty she could suck-start a Harley!
•Yo momma so slutty she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball!
•Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice belt!
•Yo momma so slutty she was on the cover of Wheaties, with her legs open, and it said “Breakfast of Champions”
•Yo momma so slutty that I could’ve been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change.
•Yo momma so slutty she had her own “Hands across her ass” charity drive
•Yo momma so slutty that when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO she thought he called her three times.
•Yo momma so slutty she blind and seeing another man.
•Yo momma so slutty she is known as Homecoming Disease
•Yo momma so slutty she has Trojan written on her gumline.

YO MOMMA HAS
•Yo momma has one leg and a bicycle.
•Yo momma has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.
•Yo momma has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
•Yo momma has one hand and a Clapper.
•Yo momma has a wooden afro with an “X” carved in the back.
•Yo momma has green hair and thinks she’s a tree.
•Yo momma has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you’re saying.
•Yo momma has a ‘fro with warning lights.
•Yo momma has 10 fingers–all on the same hand.
•Yo momma has a glass eye with a fish in it.
•Yo momma has a short leg and walks in circles.
•Yo momma has a short arm and can’t applaud.

YO MOMMA GOT
•Yo momma got so many freckles she looks like a hamburger!
•Yo momma got two wooden legs and one is one backward.
•Yo momma got three fingers and a banjo.
•Yo momma got a wooden leg with a kickstand on it.
•Yo momma got a bald head with a part and sideburns.
•Yo momma got a’ afro, wit’ a chin strap!!!!
•Yo momma got a wooden leg with branches.
•Yo momma got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail.
•Yo momma got a metal afro with rusty sideburns.
•Yo momma got eyes in her butt talking about “Damn, did you see that crap?!”

YO MOMMA’S HOUSE
•Yo momma house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.
•Yo momma house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
•Yo momma house so dirty roaches ride around on dune buggies!
•Yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.

YO MOMMA’S HAIR
•Yo momma hair so short when she braided it they looked like stitches.
•Yo momma hair so short she curls it with rice.
•Yo momma hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.

YO MOMMA’S HEAD
•Yo momma head so big she has to step into her shirts.
•Yo momma head so big it shows up on radar.
•Yo momma head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow.
•Yo momma head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.

MISCELLANEOUS
•Yo momma wears knee-pads and yells “Curb Service!”
•Yo momma feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates!
•Yo momma aint so bad…she would give you the hair off of her back!
•Yo momma lips so big, Chapstick had to invent a spray.
•Yo momma teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.
•Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
•Yo momma hips are so big, people set their drinks on them.
•Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
•Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
•Yo momma twice the man you are.
•Yo momma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.
•Yo momma is missing a finger and can’t count past 9.
•Yo momma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
•Yo momma middle name is Rambo.
•Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, “You ain’t gonna push me ’round no more.”
•Yo momma so grouchy, the McDonald’s she works in doesn’t even serve Happy Meals.
•Yo momma gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo.
•Yo momma breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck.
•Yo momma is in a wheelchair screaming “I AIN’T STANDING FOR THIS ”
•Yo momma threw a Frisbee three weeks ago that hasn’t landed yet.
•Yo momma can wrestle a cow to the ground.
•Yo momma referees bar fights without a shirt on.
• If my dog had a face as ugly as your momma’s, I’d shave his ass and make him walk backwards.
• It took yo momma 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldn’t get used to the front seat!

A man standing on a bridge seems to be contemplating suicide. He has lost his job, his home, and his car.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, an evil image with a cape appears and asks the man what his problem is. The man replies that he has nothing to live for…everything is gone.

The evil image in the cape tells the man that he is the devil, and he would grant three wishes in return for a blow job under the bridge.

The man thinks for a minute and agrees to the terms offered. First, he says he needs a new home, and the evil image tells the man that he now has a 6-bedroom house with baths at 316 Oak View Lane.

Second, he says he needs a new job, and the evil image tells the man he is now Senior VP at IBM…

Third, he says he needs a new car in order to get back and forth to work. The evil image tells the man he now has 2 Lincoln Towncars in his new 2-car garage.

“Well,” the evil image says, “it’s time to keep your end of the bargain.”

They go under the bridge, and the act is performed. They both light up a cigarette and start chatting.

“Well,” says the man who performed the deed, “Did you really think I was going to jump???”

With that, the evil image tells the man, “Did you really think I was the devil?”

This is an excerpt from a Mulls & Boot story, set in the South Island of New Zealand.

WARNING, this is steamy stuff. You either need to read this curled-up on a sofa with an exotic drink or with a cold shower close-by……….

We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon.The warm breeze was full of that earthy musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene. We lay there, both naked.

I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I moved myself to a position of dominance.

I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.

I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.

Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.

As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer.

Finally the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us, and we rolled together in the now damp grass.

As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly and whispered how good she had been.

She tenderly and sensuously licked my ear and whispered…………….
“Baaa”, then re-joined the flock.