blow up

A McDonald’s worker in Boston, MA was blowing up some helium balloons for a kid’s party, and as a joke, he sucked some of the helium into his lungs, and it expanded and he died.

It took them 14 hours to bury the guy, because he kept floating out of the hole.

“This is to hep yu’all who don’t have the plesur of livin in the sunny South, which is sometimes covered in ice! Those who do, will wunder why these wus ever wrote down in the furst place.”

Sayings in the South:

“Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

“It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”

“Have a cup of coffee, it’s already ’saucered and blowed.”

“It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.”

“My cow died last night, so I don’t need your bull.”

“Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining.”

“He’s as country as cornflakes.”

“This is gooder’n grits.”

“Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.”

“If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.”

NOTICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING TO THE SOUTH

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the
year it snows.

If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.

Remember: “Y’all is singular.” “All y’all is plural.” “All y’alls is plural possessive.”

Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you, either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerners vocabulary is the adjective “big ol,” as in “big ol truck,” or “big ol boy.”

“Fixin’” as in “I’m fixin’ to go to the store” is 2nd. And “Y’all” is 3rd.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest
assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.

The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you’re supposed to do.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerable more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

Be advised that in the South, “He needed killin’” is a valid defense.

Unbelievable, but these are from a book called “Disorder in the Court.”
These are things people actually said in court, word for word:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
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Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
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Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
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Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
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Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
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Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
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Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
—————————————————
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Suzie had a crush on Mikey since she was 15 years old. Mikey never paid Suzie any attention. Every year Suzie would try to get Mikey to notice her but he just wasn’t interested.

Finally, when Suzie turned 18, she began to come of age, and sure enough, Mikey noticed. Suzie looked so pretty and grown-up that Mikey asked her for a date on a Friday night!! She was so excited all that week that she could hardly wait for Friday.

Finally, Friday came. As soon as she got home from school, Suzie began getting ready for her date at 7. She spent four hours on her clothes, hair and make-up, wanting everything to be perfect for the night she had waited years for.

Finally, 7 o’clock came around. Looking out the window, she saw Mikey pull up in his shiny black car. She became so nervous and excited that she opened the door before he even got to it.

“Hi Mikey!” she said, nervous as hell, and Mikey replied, “Suzie, you look beautiful!”

Suzie was so pleased when she walked out the door — then IT hit her. Suzie realized in horror that she had to FART!! Oh my God, she thought, walking along, what am I going to do??

Being a quick thinker, Suzie got an idea: She would let Mikey open the door for her, hurry in, fart, roll down the window real quick, and by the time that he came around and got in, all would be O.K.

So they got to the car, Mikey opened the door and Suzie got in. He closed the door, then she really let it rip! She rolled down the window and saw that he’s getting around to his door. Relaxing a little now, Suzie smiled at Mikey as he got in the car.

Then Mikey turned to her, pointed to the back seat, and said, “Suzie, I’d like you to meet my brother Carl and his date, Jean.”

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for Christmas, and as they had not been dating very long, he decided a pair of gloves would be appropriate… romantic but not too intimate.

Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Saks and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items, and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the gift-wrapped panties, into which the young man had included the following note before having them delivered to her.

Dearest Sweetheart:

I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. Had it not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy toremove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I asked her to try on yours for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as other hands will doubtlessly come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night and give me the exquisite pleasure of removing them.

All my love, Freddie

P.S. The latest style is to wear them rolled down with a little fur showing.