blow up

(Sing to the tune of “The Beverly Hillbillies”)

Well, dere once was a story ’bout a man named Bill;
Da poor president couldn’t keep his willie still;
Den one day he was workin’ at his desk,
When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest …

Boobs, that is. Two of ‘em. Bodacious ta ta’s.

Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees,
Mouth open wide and as happy as you please;
Bill sez, “oh yeah now-don’t say a thing.”
“If you do a good job then we’ll have a little fling.”

Blow job that is, Phalli osculation.

Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress,
He said, “Clean it up, ‘cuz you really are a mess,
And you’re invited here to dis fine locality,
To have a heapin’ helpin’ of little Willie C.”

Da wiener, that is. Da presidential
staff.

So week after week, Monica is on her knees,
Keepin’ Willie and his weiner just as happy as you please,
But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far,
And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr.

Bad girl, that is. Cigars, bodacious ta ta’s.

Well it weren’t too long till we all knew the score,
’bout da stuff dat went down behind da oval office door;
Da country’s in da toilet and da people cry, “No More”
But if we oust da cheatin’ jerk, den we gotta live with Gore.

Boob, that is. Great big one. Head stuck up his rear.

So now ya know da story ’bout Bill our president.
Wonderin’ if dis fling’s gonna cost him every cent;
So da moral of da story is to do it quietly,
And stay outta trouble with dat bitch named Hillary.

The Kennebunkport Hillbilly
(sung to the tune of “The Beverly Hillbillies”)

Come and listen to my story ’bout a boy named Bush
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush
He drank like a fish while he was drivin’ all about
But that didn’t matter ‘cuz his daddy bailed him out!

DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know little Georgie went to Yale
He couldn’t spell his name but they never let him fail
He spent all his time hangin’ out with student folk
And that’s when he learned how to snort a line of coke!

Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.

The next thing you know there’s a war in Vietnam
Kin folks say, “George, you stay at home with Mom”
Let the common people get maimed and scarred
We’ll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard

Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Privilege.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord
He said, “Now the White House is the place I wanna be”
So he called his daddy’s friends and they called the GOP!

Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, e-lection is running late
Kin folks said “Jeb, give the boy your state”
“Don’t let those folks get into the polls”
So they put up barricades so they couldn’t punch their holes!

Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted five Supremes had gone stepped in
Told all the voters “Hey, we just want George to win”
“Stop counting votes!” was their solemn invocation
And that’s how George finally got his coronation!

Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.

Y’all come vote now. Ya hear?

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster upon arrival walks over to the old rooster and says, “OK, old man, time to pack your bags and retire.” The old rooster says with conviction, “You can’t handle all these chickens… Just look at what it did to me!” The young rooster replies, “Now, it is time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike.”

The old rooster a little worried now says, “Aw, c’mon…just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won’t bother you.” The young rooster replies, “SCRAM, beat it, you’re all washed up you old fuck, I’m taking over!!!” So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the younger, “I’ll tell you what, I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gains the dominance of the chicken coop. And I am so feeble, why not give me a little head start?”

The young rooster willing to show his dominance says, “Sure old man, you know I will beat you.” They line up in back of the farmhouse and get a chicken to cluck, “Go” and the old rooster takes off running. A few seconds go by and the young rooster takes off after him. As he rounds the first corner the young rooster is on the heels of the old rooster and gaining fast, the farmer, who is sitting on the porch, looks up and sees what is going on, so he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to KFC heaven.

The farmer then looks at the ground digging his toe in the dirt and shaking his head says, “Damn, that’s the third gay rooster that I brought home this week.”

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. After five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.”

“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year’s incoming freshmen. Here’s this year’s list:
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1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one president.
6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
7. They have never feared a nuclear war. “The Day After” is a pill to them, not a movie.
8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up, and Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.
9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely do not know what it is.
11. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull-top can looks like.
12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
13. The expression “you sound like a broken record” means nothing to them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
16. Star Wars looks very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic.
17. There have always been red M&Ms, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?
18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably never have actually seen or heard one.
19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
21. They have always had an answering machine.
22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
23. They have always had cable.
24. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
26. They were born the year that the Sony introduced the Walkman.
27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
30. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
31. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
32. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, or even the Civil War.
33. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
34. They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.
35. They never heard the terms: “Where’s the beef?,” “I’d walk a mile for a Camel,” or “de plane, de plane!”
36. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
37. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
38. Michael Jackson has always been white.
39. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
40. McDonald’s never came in styrofoam containers.
41. There has always been MTV.