blow up

How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time

Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate,
tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console,
bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect,
phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,
forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate,
entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle,
oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, ululate, trust,
dip, twirl, dive, grovel, ignore, defend, milk, coax, clothe, straddle,
melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail, super collide, fuse, fizz,
rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade,
spoil, reddi-whip, embrace, delouse, accept, butter-up, hear, understand,
jitterbug, mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, hold
her hair while she’s puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair,
patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for,
do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease,
flirt, enlist, torch, pine, wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle,
snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate,
spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her
to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence,
diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip,
flop, fly, don’t care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle,
squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin’
in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle,
dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate,
indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship,
and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

How to Satisfy a Man Every Time:

Blow job

A truck driver was barely creeping up a very steep hill with his rig when he reached the top.

On the downward descent of the same hill he noticed what appeared to be a couple laying right in the middle of the road.

The closer he got it appeared that they were making love. He immediately began blowing the airhorn and applying the brakes.

The couple continued their passionate ways as the driver came screeching to a halt only inches away from them.

“What in the hell are you doing?” screamed the startled truck driver. “Didn’t you hear my horn blaring?” he asked.

“Look, I was coming, she was coming, you were coming,” said the unruffled lover. “You were the only one with brakes.”

A wounded Marine limps into the bar and tells the bartender, “Give me a gin & tonic, a scotch & soda, a rum & coke and a Heineken.”

The bartender looks a bit puzzled but, nonetheless, serves him his order.

The Marine downs all four drinks, pays his tab and leaves.

This goes on for a full week when the Marine enters again and orders up the usual. The bartender finally speaks up and says, “My God, man, I’ve seen people drink before, but never like you. I might think you have a bit of a drining problem, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Not at all,” says the Marine. “You see, my three buddies and I were in a foxhole in the war together and were almost blown to shreds. We all nearly died, yet somehow barely survived. From that time on we vowed that, as long as we are on the face of this earth, each day we would have a drink in memory of each other.”

“That’s quite a bond you guys formed,” states the bartender as he serves up his usual four drinks.

A month later, after having never missed a day of imbibing, the Marine saunters into the bar and says to the bartender, “Better make it a gin & tonic, a scotch & soda, and a Heineken today.”

“Oh no,” says the bartender. “Don’t tell me one of your buddies passed away.”

“No, not at all,” answered the Marine. “I decided to go on the wagon.”

13 signs that you have had too much of the 90’s:

1.) You tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2.) You now think of three expressos as “getting wasted.”

3.) You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4.) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

5.) You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back “What’s for dinner?”

6.) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7.) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

8.) You didn’t give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

9.) Your daughter just bought a C.D. of all the records your college roommate used to play.

10.) You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

11.)You check your blow dryer to see if it’s Y2K compliant.

12.) Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

13.) You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

AP–The federal government today released the findings of a four year study that linked living in cages to increased potential of developing cancer in laboratory rats.

The study, which cost an estimated $17 million, was started in 1983 when all the rats in a laboratory test control group contracted cancer.

Spokesperson John Smith explained: “We were running a test on the possible link between excess popcorn intake and increased incidence of colon cancer. The test group consisted of twenty rats who were forcefed three quarts (roughly one and a half times their body weight) of popcorn daily, a perfectly reasonable amount under laboratory conditions. The control group consisted of twenty rats who lived in cages carefully shielded from all known carcinogens. To our surprise, all twenty control rats developed cancer within six months.”

Smith went on to say: “We had always had some trouble with control rats contracting cancer. But as long as more of the rats in the test group than the control group got cancer, we were able to feel pretty good about condemning whatever we were testing at the time.”

Smith was then questioned about the possibility of test results being invalid if any of the control rats developed cancer. He responded: “Yeah, we had an scientist at the lab ask that once. We had to let him go when we found out he was a member of the Audubon Society. Conflict of interest. The last thing you want in a research lab is someone asking a lot of fool questions.”

When asked if these results would change any previous findings Smith replied “This could blow our whole gig. I mean, if it’s been the cages all along, this could mean that things like asbestos, smoking, even radiation are perfectly harmless.”

“We may be forced to recall all our previous findings at a cost of billions of dollars. This says nothing of the possible lawsuits from individuals who contracted cancer while spending time in prison, or zoo workers forced to spend extended periods inside the animal’s cages.”

When asked why the study cost seventeen million dollars, Smith responded “Do you have any idea how expensive it is to provide food and living conditions for rats that doesn’t expose them to any of the things we have determined to cause cancer? In fact right now we’re in the middle of a two year study that may link breathing with lung cancer. You think the cost is bad now, just wait till we are forced to prevent the control rats From breathing so as not to invalidate the results by having more of the control rats get cancer than test rats.”