blow up

Father Ralf was the new initiate at St. Clures. The old priest, Father Patrick, was getting worn out by confessional and wanted a game of golf. He had put up a big sign to guide Father Ralf:
“Do it yourself confessional - Spitting=1 Hail Mary; lying=2 Hail Marys” and so on.

He said to father Ralf, “I’m off to golf now, you look after confession - just follow the chart & everything will be fine.”

Ralf had a quiet morning until he was interrupted by a young female voice. “Please father, I’ve committed a mortal sin!”

“What have you done?” he said.

“I gave a man a blow job,” she said.

He looked at the chart. NO BLOW JOB. He racked his brains. What the deuce was a blow job? What could he do? Just then a queue of alter boys started walking thru the church.

“Excuse me,” he said. “Can you help me? I need to know what Father Patrick gives for a blow job.”

Deathly silence, then a small voice from the back: “Two Mars bars and a can of coke.”

A man walks in the bar and has had way too much to drink. He decides to go to the bathroom and when he walks in there is another man and there are three holes in the wall. Above the three holes there are three buttons.

The other man in the bathroom says don’t ever stick your dick in any of the holes. The man thinks he is lyng so he does it anyway.

He sticks his dick in the first one and it is a woman fucking him good. He sticks his dick in the second hole and gets a great blowjob. The man sticks his dick in the third hole and faints.

He wakes up the next morning and finds himself in the hospital. The man can’t feel his dick so he asks the doctor,”Why am I here?” The doctor replies, “The third button was a tampon remover.”

This guy sits down at a bar and says to the Bartender, “Give me 10 shots of Tequila. Just line ‘em up right here!”

The Bartender looks at him and says, “Man, that’s a lot of Tequila, can I ask why you want so many shots?”

The guy replies, “I just had my first blow job!”

The Bartender says, “ALRIGHT! Tell you what, The eleventh one’s on me!”

The guy says, “Naw, if ten shots of Tequila doesn’t get the taste outta my mouth, nothing will!”

ONE- We want you to understand that we don’t give a shit about clothes, all right? Yours OR ours. All we need is one pair of tennies and one pair of church shoes. That’s it.

TWO- Don’t talk to us while the television is on, all right? Very simple: Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we don’t talk.

THREE- When you’re behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get aggressive, that’s fine, but don’t give somebody the finger and expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over swinging a pair of nunchucks, all right?

FOUR- Would it kill you to watch “The Godfather” with me for the 57th time?

FIVE- Hey I’m sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and think, “You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the ass.”

SIX- You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks like that at “The Drink” when I was single.

SEVEN- Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a relationship lasts about as long as David Duke at a Black Panther meeting.

EIGHT- Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the CUP of lima bean consommi instead of the BOWL of lima bean consommi from Soup Plantation, I don’t want to end up in the friction burn groin ward at Cedars-Sinai, all right?

NINE- Don’t ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry, you don’t really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. I’ve tried crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for about thirty seconds and then started thinking, “Why in the fuck did I marry this hamster?”

TEN- Be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the light.

Or if that’s asking too much, how’s about a big sloppy blowjob once in awhile?

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of debris at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon’ iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dustpan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man gyu lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup’ kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.