brother and sister

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him. - Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. - Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13

6. Don’t squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13

7. Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14

10. Don’t sneeze in front of mom when you’re eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 12

11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, 9

12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9

13. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9

14. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
-Kellie, 11

15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
- Naomi, 15

16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9

17. Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10

18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom
when she’s on the phone. - Alyesha, 13

19. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8

One Halloween night, two African American children, who are brother and sister, put on their costumes and go out of the house for some trick or treat. At the first house they stop by, the boy rings the doorbell. After a few minutes, an old white woman opens the door and asks, “And who might you two be?”

“We’re Hansel and Gretel!” says the boy.

“But you can’t be Hansel and Gretel. They’re white!” insists the old woman who promptly shuts the door on them. So the two siblings go back to the house and change their costumes. They return to the first house and ring the doorbell.

When the same old woman opens the door, she asks, “And who might you two be?”

“We’re Romeo and Juliet!” says the girl.

“That can’t be. Romeo and Juliet are both white!” With that said, the old woman closes the door.

Though disappointed, the two siblings return home but this time they go out without any clothes on. They head straight for the first house and ring the door again.
This time, the same old woman is so surprised to see them naked that she blurts out, “What are you two this time? Adam and Eve?”

“No,” the boy answers, “Hershey bars. One with nuts, the other without.”

One day Johnny is riding his tricycle in the house.
He pulls up to his brother’s room and says, “Anybody getting on the bus, get the fuck on! Anybody getting off the bus, get the fuck off! And anybody staying on, get to the fucking back!!”

His brother looked at him and said, “Don’t let Mom hear you saying that or she’ll be awful mad.”

So Johnny wheeled down to his sister’s room and hollered, “Anybody getting on the bus, get the fuck on! Anybody getting off the bus, get the fuck off! And anybody staying on, get to the fucking back!!”

His sister looked at him and said, “Don’t let Mom hear you saying that or she’ll be awful mad.”

So Johnny wheeled down through the kitchen where his mother was doing dishes. He pulled up beside her and said, “Anybody getting on the bus, get the fuck on! Anybody getting off the bus, get the fuck off! And anybody staying on, get to the fucking back!!”

Well Johnny’s mother dropped what she was doing, spun around and knocked him right off his bike.

Johnny jumped up and said, “That’s it Lady, fuck around! We’re already five minutes late!!!”

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. So, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play. “Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently, “But you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star-Spangled Banner.”

And that is how the substitute organist became the regular organist!

Part of my friend’s job as a technical writer is to help produce the company newsletter which goes to their clients. He was asked to come up with a list (ala Letterman’s Top Ten List) of funny things one can do with Thanksgiving leftovers. He applied my head-bone to the problem for an hour and we came up with this list.

Seal them in concrete and call it a time capsule. Send it to the Smithsonian with instructions to
open in 2096.

Mix some Elmer’s glue into the mashed potatoes and use as spackle.

Flatten stuffing with rolling pin and bake until hard. Sell to local lumber store as press/compound board.

Stick broccoli and celery sticks in potting soil and display as rare and exotic bonsai.

Liquefy leftovers according to colors. Sell as organic finger paints.

Mix whatever doesn’t sell and repackage as vitamin-rich energy juice.

Carefully separate bones, dry thoroughly. Practice making Indian bone necklaces.

Form mashed potatoes into replicas of ancient urns and vases. Use sweet potatoes for a dash of color and to create authentic aging marks.

Whittle turkey ribs into reusable toothpicks.

Refrigerate and save for when your least favorite relative comes for dinner. Serve a dazzling dinner, and afterwards offer to make a doggie bag for her/him. Stuff the thanksgiving leftovers in the doggie bag instead.

Pile them all on one large platter and sculpt into likenesses of famous performers.

Use as practice ammunition for that all-important Christmas food-fight at your brother’s house.

Freeze in little bags and save for Halloween next year. Hand them out as prizes for “least-tasteful costume” and “oldest trick-or-treater.”

Feed the turkey to your least-favorite neighbor’s dog. Sell gas masks to the neighbors at inflated prices.

Blend all leftovers thoroughly, pour into a plastic garbage bag. Put in a bus station locker. Call FBI with a tip on Jimmi Hoffa’s resting place.

Glue olives, celery sticks, etc. to create clever and whimsical figurines. Sell at local craft fairs as Christmas ornaments.

Estimate dollar value of leftovers and send to IRS as “payment-in-kind” like the fishermen do.

Secretly freeze selected leftovers. When needed, defrost and mix in a little water. Make gagging, hurling noises then display as evidence to your parents that you are too sick to go to school today. Won’t work if your name is Ferris Bueller.

Go for a long walk in forest with brother or sister. Drop little bits of leftovers as you go. When the witch in the candy house tries to cook you, follow your trail back home.

Put leftovers in boxes and wrap with festive holiday paper. Leave on the sidewalk for slow-witted, unsuspecting criminals.

Seal into foil bags and label them “Gourmet K-Rations.” Sell to the U.S. Army.

Place into cylindrical containers and sell to the Army as biological weapons.

Mix with water to make a broth. Serve as “Potluck Surprise” at local church dinner.

Stitch turkey skins together, stuff with sweet potatoes, sell as organically-created hackysacks.