cement

Q. How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A. Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q. Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

Q. Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q. How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
A. When your lawyer doesn’t seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

Q. What do you call an honest lawyer?
A. An impossibility.

Q. What’s the difference between an lawyer and a dog?
A. Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.

Q. How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A. Never enough.

Q. What do you need when you’ve have three lawyers up to their necks
in cement?
A. More cement.

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.

Q. What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A. Your Honor.

Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q. If you have Hitler, Stalin, and a lawyer standing in front of you and you have a gun loaded with two bullets, who do you shoot first?
A. The lawyer, twice.

I have had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, prostate cancer, and diabetes, I am half blind and can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia, poor circulation and can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But…Thank God I still have my DRIVER’S LICENSE!!!

At a Mass at which some young ladies were to take their finals vows to become nuns, the presiding Bishop noticed two Rabbis enter the church just before the service began.

They insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The Bishop wondered why they had come, but he didn’t have time to inquire before the Mass began.

When it came time for the announcements, the Bishop’s curiosity got the better of him. He welcomed the two Rabbis and asked why they had chosen to be present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the “Brides of Christ.”

The elder of the Rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, “Family of the Groom.”