cement

Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to torment me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture. I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move.__Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time…

IN THE BEGINNING
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
%Let there be light!
#Enter user id.

%God
#Enter password.

%Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.

%Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.

%Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

%Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

%Create light
#Done

%Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.

%Create firmament
#Done.

%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

%Create dry_land
#Done.

%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.

%Create sun_moon_stars
#Done

%Run sun_moon_stars
#And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

%Create fish
#Done

%Create fowl
#Done

%Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowlafter its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

%Create cattle
#Done

%Create creepy_things
#Done

%Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.

%Create man
#Done

%Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.

%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.

%Insert breath
#Done

%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.

%Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.

%Create Garden.edn
#Done

%Move man to Garden.edn
#Done

%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.

%Copy woman from man
#Done

%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.

%Insert woman into man
#Illegal parameters. Try again.

%Insert man into woman
#Done

%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.

%Create desire
#Done

%Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%Create freewill
#Done

%Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in
Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%Create good, evil
#Done

%Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in
Garden.edn.
#1 errors.

%Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.

%Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again

%Break
%Break
%Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING
DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES.
PLEASE LOGOFF.

%Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

%Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Please confirm.

%Destroy earth confirmed
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.

For you ladies (and men so you’re prepared), a little MEN ARE LIKE humor:

MEN ARE LIKE…
Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Blenders, you need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Chocolate Bars, sweet, smooth and they usually head right to your hips.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Coffee, the best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Commercials, you cant believe a word they say.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Computers, hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Coolers, load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Copiers, you need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Curling Irons, they’re always hot and always in your hair.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Cement, after getting laid they take a long time to get hard.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Government Bonds, they take so long to mature.

MEN ARE LIKE…
High Heels, they’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Lava Lamps, fun to look at, but not all that bright.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Parking Spots, the good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Popcorn, they satisfy you, but only for a little while.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Place Mats, they only show up when there’s food on the table.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Snow Storms, you never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long they will last.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Used Cars, both are easy-to-get, cheap and unreliable.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Bank Machines, once they withdraw they lose interest.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Bananas, the older they get, the less firm they are.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Newborn Babies, they’re cute at first, but pretty soon you get tired of cleaning up their crap.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Crystal, some look real good, but you can still see right through them.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Dry Cleaners, most work fast and leave no ring.

MEN ARE LIKE…
Laxatives, they irritate the crap out of you.

Bill Clinton went to sleep at his desk one afternoon and had a strange dream. In the dream, he died and went to hell. When he gets there, Satan greets him and tells him that he will be there for all eternity, but, because of the way he behaved on earth while living, he gets to choose the type of punishment he will receive.

Satan escorts him around and they come to a room where Newt Gingrich is stretched out on a rack, screaming in agony as the wheel is turned. Clinton says, “Nope, I don’t think I’d like that kind of punishment.” So they go on to the next room.

There was Bob Dole, tied to a long pole and suspended over a large tub of raw sewage. He is lowered into the tank until completely submerged. After a few minutes he is lifted out of the tank, gasping and fighting for breath. As soon as he gets his breath back, he’s lowered again. “Uh-uh!” says Clinton. “That’s not for me.”

Finally they come to a room where Kenneth Starr is hanging from the wall by his thumbs. His pants are down around his ankles, and Monica Lewinsky is performing oral sex on him. Clinton says “OK, if I have to be punished forever, I’ll go for that way.”

Satan says, “Fine. . . that will be your punishment for the next billion years. Monica! Your replacement is here!”

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

He was somewhat annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick, and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. “Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. If any of you can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

He was extremely pleased with the response of his congregation, as well as with the substitute organist who, he finally realized, was playing, “The Star Spangled Banner.”