cement

One day, Monica Lewinsky died and went to Hell. Later that day, Clinton died and went to Hell also. He met Satan and Satan said to him, “You have three choices of eternal punishment.”

He opened up the first door and there were people walking around in the flames, screaming in pain.

Bill said, “I really don’t like that one much.”

Satan showed him what was behind another door and there were people whose heads were chopped off and put back on, and chopped off again.

Bill said, “I really don’t like that one much, either.”

Satan showed him what was behind Door #3. In the room, he saw Monica Lewinsky sucking Ken Starr’s dick. Bill said, “I’ll take it!”

Satan grinned and said, “Monica! Stop that! You’ve got a replacement!”

There once was a man named Tom who was going out with a woman named Lorraine. He thought Lorraine was THE one. They had been going out for years and he was thinking of finally proposing.

Tom was also the head of a company and one day his personal secretary of many years quit because of family issues. Tom was upset but contacted an agency to find his a suitable replacement. Immediatly they found one, named Clearly, and she was hired.

Now Clearly was stunning and Tom was besotted with her. He found it hard to hide his feelings for Clearly but promised himself that he would not see Clearly while he was going out with Lorraine. After two weeks it was obvious that Clearly felt the same way about Tom.

Tom felt horrible. He wanted to break the news to Lorraine as nicely as possible, it was the least he could do for her. So, he decided to tell her while he took her on a walk by the river.

Just as Tom was about to “drop the bomb” he looked away, as he couldn’t face the pain in Lorraine’s eyes, and heard a splash. He looked to where Lorraine had been standing and saw that she was gone. Lorraine had slipped on the wet grass by the bank and had fallen into the water and drowned.

Tom was stunned. He stood there for a few minutes taking in the events that had just happened. A big smile stretched across his face and he began to skip happily away. As he left you could hear him say,

“I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone…”

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”

Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a timeout.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

“Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.

Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

The blonde had been married about a year when one day she came running up to her husband, jumping for joy.

Not knowing exactly how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her.

“Why are we so happy?” he asked.

“Honey, I have some really great news for you!” she said.

“Great!” he said. “Tell me what you’re so happy about.”

She stopped jumping and was breathless from all the jumping up and down. “I’m pregnant!” she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn’t be happier.

Then she said, “Oh, Honey, there’s more.”

“What do you mean ‘more’?” he asked.

“Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

“It was easy,” she said. “I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2-pack home pregnancy test kit, and both tests came out positive!”

Memo To: All Employees
Subject: New Policies

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Surgery:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Your Own Death:

This will be accepted as an approved excuse. However, we do require at least 2 weeks advance notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.

Rest Room Use:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms. Therefore, in the future all employees will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20, and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time,
it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with another co-worker. However, both employee supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will
open.

Paycheck Guide:

The following guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks.

Example: Gross pay $1,222.02

Income tax 244.40
Outcome tax 45.21
State tax 11.61
Interstate tax 61.10
County tax 6.11
City tax 12.22
Rural tax 4.44
Back tax 1.11
Front tax 1.16
Side tax 1.61
Up tax 2.22
Tic-tacs 1.98
Thumbtacks 3.93
Carpet tacks .98
Stadium tax .69
Flat tax 8.32
Surtax 3.46
Corporate tax 2.60
Parking fee 5.00
FICA 81.88
TGIF fund 9.95
Life insurance 5.85
Health insurance 16.23
Dental insurance 4.50
Mental insurance 4.33
Reassurance .11
Disability 2.50
Ability .25
Liability 3.41
Unreliability 10.99
Coffee 6.85
Coffee cups 66.51
Floor rental 6.85
Chair rental .32
Desk rental 4.32
Union dues 5.85
Union don’ts 3.77
Cash advance .69
Cash retreats 121.35
Overtime 1.26
Undertime 54.83
Eastern time 9.00
Central time 8.00
Mountain time 7.00
Pacific time 6.00
Oxygen 10.02
Water 16.54
Heat 51.42
Cool air 26.83
Hot air 20.00
Miscellaneous 113.29
Various 8.01

Net Pay $0.12

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, comtemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.