cement

Microsoft has announced that Win98 will be released with a suggested retail price of $109US. Inside sources have been able to determine the cost of each of the Win98 “features”:

$1 - Disk Defragmenter Optimization Wizard
$1 - Windows System Update
$1 - System File Checker Utility
$1 - Windows Tune-Up Wizard
$1 - Dr. Watson Utility
$1 - New Backup Utility
$1 - New Accessibility Tools
$1 - FAT32
$1 - Windows 98 HelpDesk
$1 - System Troubleshooter
$1 - System Information Utility
$1 - Broadcast Architecture
$1 - Misc. Hardware Support
$1 - Multiple Display Support
$1 - IrDA Support
$1 - PCMCIA Support
$1 - ActiveMovie
$1 - MMX Support
$1 - Easier Setup
$1 - Faster Shutdown
$1 - Integrated Shell
$1 - Improved Dial-Up Networking
$1 - Browser Enhancements
$1 - Channels
$1 - Additional Internet Tools
$1 - Support for PPTP
$1 - WDM, Windows System Update, and Windows Scripting Host
$82 - Retain the Blue Screen of Death

Cindy Crawford, Ivana Trump, and Whoopi Goldberg are on a plane.

The Announcement system clicks to life and the voice of the captain rings through the cabin…

“Ladies and gentilemen, I am afaraid the plane has just had a major mechanical failure, and is going to crash. There are only enough parachutes for the crew and myself, and we have already used them - - This is a recording.”

Everyone on the plane begins to panic! People are yelling and screaming and making there peace with God. One of the passengers notices Cindy Crawford in her seat frantically trying to put on her makeup.
“What the hell are you doing!?” he screams. “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE AND YOU’RE FIXING YOUR HAIR!!!”

“Well I figure not everyone will die, and they will probably go for the most beautiful survivors first,” says Cindy…

“No, you’re wrong” says Ivana, as she puts on all of her most expensive jewels. “They’re going to rescue the richest of us first!”

The two argue on for a few seconds, and then stop as Whoopi walks by, stripping off her clothes layer by layer. By the time she passes them, she is completely naked!

“Whoopi! Whats the matter with you! Is the stress too much!?! Get a grip!!” said the passenger.

“No way!” said Whoopi.. “You’re ALL wrong!”

“Well what do you mean?”

“EVERYBODY knows they ALWAYS find the Black Box!”

A notorious convicted felon had escaped from a federal prison and was believed to be hiding out in Arkansas. So the FBI sent out identity photos of the escapee - left profile, full face and right profile - to all the state law enforcement agencies in Arkansas.

A couple of weeks later, this reply was sent to the FBI :

“We have identified the man on the left and the one on the right but we are still looking for the one in the middle.”

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer’s job.

The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!” “No matter,” said the man, “Observe!” He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced the he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”

[But wait, there’s more …]

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there’s a trivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened?” the first asked breathlessly.

“Who is this man?”

[Wait for it …]

“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

Bill Clinton, soon to be a “private” citizen again, wanting to get the feel of regular life again decided to take a comercial airline flight.

After the pilot made his obligatory welcome and flight information announcement, he put the microphone down but didn’t realize he had left it locked in the “send” mode.

He said to his co-pilot, “Boy, this has been one hell of a week. You know, I could really use a blow job and a cup of coffee.”

A stewardess working in the rear of the plane immediately realized that the pilot was unaware that he had left the microphone on, so she went running forward toward the cockpit to warn the pilot.

As she passed by Bill leaned over into the aisle and shouted to her, “Don’t forget his coffee!”