cold day

During the Cold War many years ago, a young man would ride his bicycle every day from Italy up to the check-point at the Yugoslav border where he would be questioned by the uniformed border-guard.

“Where are you going today, Capitalist Scumbag?” asked
the guard.

“To visit my mother, Sir.”

“Step inside. You will be searched,” ordered the guard.

The young man was thoroughly searched and released, but the guard remained suspicious.

This routine was repeated every day for several years but the border guard, still convinced that the man was a smuggler, could find nothing.

Eventually, with the end of the Cold War, the border was opened and the young man would occasionally stop in a tavern on the Yugoslav side.

One afternoon, as he sat at the bar, the old border-guard came over and sat down beside him.

“The War is over now”, said the guard, “and I am retired, but I still have nightmares about you. You really were a smuggler, weren’t you.”

“Yes, of course,” replied the young man.

“Well, for God’s sake, what were you smuggling?”

The young man swallowed a mouthful of beer and smiled.
“Bicycles,” he replied.

One day, an elderly cat dies.

When he goes up to Heaven and meets God, God says to him “Dear sweet sweet cat, you have been such a faithful to your owner, and he has been so curel to you.

Is there anything that I can give to you?” And the cat replies, “All my life, I had to sleep on some old cold rags. Could you give me a nice warm blanket?” God gives him a blanket and the cat leaves.

About a week later, ten mice die and when they meet God, they ask him for rollar skates, since they had kids chase them on rollar skates.

God grants their wish and they went off.

A couple weeks later, God meets up with the cat and says, “So how is your life going in Heaven?” The cat replies, “Great! In fact, those meals on wheels you have been sending me are great!”

This was on The Tonight Show September 7, 1999

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The following won.

She said it was snowing and cold and the guy took her skiing. It was just a day trip. They had never been out together before.

The day went OK until they were coming back that afternoon. They were driving home and she suddenly had to pee urgently, but still at least an hour away from civilization. She asked him to stop at a gas station, which he tried to find for an hour without success. She finally asked him to stop the car so she could squat beside the road.

They stopped, and she went out, pulled down her ski pants and began to pee. She was on snow, so her footing was insecure. She leaned back against the rear fender for support. Her date was very much a gentleman, and looked the other way.

She finished peeing but suddenly realized her warm butt had stuck to the fender. She was trying to address the problem when her date rolled down the window and, trying not to look, asked if everything was OK.

Mortified, she had to tell him what had happened and asked for his help. He came around to her side of the car and, suppressing laughter, assessed the problem. After a brief discussion, they agreed they needed something like warm coffee to free her butt from the fender. As the thermos was empty, they reluctantly hit upon the same solution.

While she looked away, he unzipped his pants, aimed strategically, and peed her frozen butt from the fender.

Neither said another word for the rest of the ride home.

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn’t believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn’t take it any more since he hadn’t caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?”

The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”

“What was that?” the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”

“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you are saying.”

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!”

*Why do Bees hum?
Because they don’t know the words.

*Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.

*What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
A Woolly Jumper.

*Why do birds fly south in autumn?
Because it is too far to walk.

*What is yellow and very dangerous?
Sharkinfested custard.

*What has an eye and doesn’t cry?
A needle.

* When does Thursday come before Wednesday?
In a dictionary.

*What has wings and doesn’t fly?
A hotel.

*Which is faster hot or cold?
Hot is faster you can easily catch cold.