cold day

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….
“You are going to get it when we get home!”

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you!
… Don’t talk back to me”

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you’re not going to the store with me.”

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes,
they are going to freeze that way.”

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.

7. My Mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you’re cold?”

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off you toes, don’t come running to me.”

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

10. My Mother taught me about SEX….
“How do you think you got here?”

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You’re just like your father.”

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.

14. And my all time favorite… JUSTICE…
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
… Then you’ll see what its like.

The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up
all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward… NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!”

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and he accidently tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below…

Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw him fall in so they all jumped in and saved him and dragged him to shore.

He was so thankful that he told each of them, “Boys, you just saved the President of the United States and each of you deserve a reward.”

The first boy says, “I want to go to Disneyland!”

“I’ll take you there myself!!!” exclaims Bill.

The second boy says, “I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordans.”

“I’ll buy them for you myself,” says Bill

” And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom speakers” the third boy says.

The president looks at the boy and says, “But son you don’t look like you are handicapped to me”

The boy says, “I’m going to be when my dad finds out that I saved you from drowning!!”

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy on cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, “My hands are freezing cold.”

The mother replied, “Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up.” So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said “My hands are freezing cold.”

The daughter replied, “Put them between my legs, they’ll warm up.”

The next day, the boyfriend was again riding in the buggy with the daughter. He said, “My nose is freezing cold.”

The daughter replied, “Put it between my legs. It will warm up.” He did and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, “My penis is frozen solid…”

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother and she said to her mother. “Have you ever heard of a penis?”

The slightly concerned mother said, “Sure, why do you ask?

The daughter replied, “Well, they make one heck of a mess when they defrost.”

A very dumb man applies for a job at the supermarket. He gets the job. The first day his training started.

His boss said “I’ll pretend to be the customer and you make a sale to me.”

“Okay, let’s start. Excuse me sir, but how much are these oranges?”

“Umm…I dunno,” replied the trainee lamely.

“No, no, no! You’re supposed to say, ‘A dollar seventy-five’!” scolded the boss. “Let’s try again.”

“Excuse me sir, but how much are these oranges?”

“A dooollar sewenty-five,” replied the trainee sounding dumb as he was.

“Good. Now, are they fresh?” asked the boss still pretending tc be a customer.

“Duh..umm…I dunno,” replied the dumb trainee.

“NO, no, no! You’re supposed to say, ‘Very, very fresh.’ Try again.”

“Are they fresh?” asked the boss.

“Veeery, veery fresh,” replied the trainee.

“Good,” said the boss, happy that they were making
progress. “Now,” he said moving on, “should I buy them?”

“Uhhh..I dunno,” said the trainee.

“NO, NO, no! Your supposed to say, ‘If you don’t, somebody else will!’” said the boss. “Now, should I buy them?”

“If you dont, somebody else will,” replied the dumb trainee.

“Alright, I suppose you’re ready,” said the exhausted boss.

The next day was the dumb trainee’s first day at work. A man covering his face walked in and pointed a gun straight at the trainee.

“How much ya got back there?” said the robber in a hurried voice.

“A dooollar sewenty-five,” replied the trainee.

“What?! Are you being fresh wit me?!” said the robber, starting to get mad.

“Veeery, veery fresh,” replied the trainee.

“That’s it! You want me to shoot you!” said the angered robber.

“If you don’t somebody else will,” said the trainee.