cold day

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an
acceptable response to “I love you.”

Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?”
cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

You’d be expected to fill your resume with gag names of
people you’d worked for, like “Heywood J’Blowme.”

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

“Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d
jump out your window and slide down the tail of a
brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”

Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the
day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.

St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer
and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be
Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”

Faucets would run “Hot,” “Cold,” and “100 proof.”

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Two retired men were sitting in the bar at their local golf club, after an appauling round, in rainy, cold miserable conditions, with a pint of beer each.

“That was awful today,” said the first man, staring at the table through his pint glass.

“Yeah, it was the worst I’ve ever played,” replied the second.

“I wonder, do you think they have golf in heaven? I hope so. Just imagine it, the lush rolling hills, crystal clear lakes, immaculate greens, perfect conditions for golf. A heavenly course.”

The second man looked at him, and thought for a moment. After a minute or so, he spoke.
“Well, my sister is a psychic. We could get her to make contact with some people in heaven, find out about the facilities.”

“Great,” exclaimed the first man.

“Well,” continued the second man, “I’ll find out, and I’ll talk to you next Sunday when we play.”

***The Next Week***

“So, did you speak to your sister?”

“I sure did, and she managed to get in touch with a few folks up in heaven”, said the second man. “However, there’s good news, and, I’m afraid, there’s bad news.”

“Well, tell me the good news first,” said the first man.

“The good news is that there is awesome golf courses in heaven, just as we invisaged it. lush hills, crystal clear lakes, the lot.”

“..and the bad news?” said the first man, his voice more hesitant

“The bad news is, you’re off the first tee 9am tomorrow morning.”

The English language is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French Fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, two geese; so one moose, two meese?

If teachers taught, why don’t preachers praught? If a vegitarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you also might have bote your tongue?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend, that you can comb through the annals of history, but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all of them but one, what do you call it?

Sometimes I think all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play, but play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on a driveway, but drive on a parkway?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requieted love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens who actually would hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

(compliments and credit to Tony and Heidi)

One day a boy and a girl were French Kissing. When they were done, the girl says to the boy, “I think I have your gum.”

The boy responds, “No, I just have a bad cold.”

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a “dirty son of a bitch” to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office New Year’s Party.

The Office Manager called me from the hospital today, and as this is my last day on the job, I’d like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss,
I am sorry for all the things I called you, Friday afternoon. I’m very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you’ll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn’t hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

To Mary,
I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did, until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed, it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you’ve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I’d have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn’t been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed, falling three stories.

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a big deal about it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure, don’t they? And the water is cold!!

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent over to pull up your pants; it makes me sick. We’ll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn’t remember where I hid them, and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk. (By the way, the nude Polaroids I took of you when I found you passed out in the ladies room, are available for only $500 cash. Each.)

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan’s panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.

Urinating in the punchbowl was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to attend the company picnic this summer.