cold day

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on their anniversary day.

The husband gave his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription:
HERE LIES MY WIFE…. COLD AS EVER

Later the furious wife bought a return present, also a tombstone, on which the inscription read:
HERE LIES MY HUSBAND… STIFF AT LAST

Seven-year-old little Johnny, like other boys his age, are rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the other boys, and he wondered just what it was all about. One day he asked his mother, and she became quite flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains later that night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. So he did this, and the next morning he gave this account of what happened to his mother at the breakfast table:

Sis and her boyfriend sat down and talked for awhile. Then he turned off most of the lights and started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must be getting sick because her face started to look funny. He must have thought so, too, because he put his hand inside her shirt to feel her heart, just like the doctor does. Except he’s not as good as the doctor ’cause he had an awful hard time finding it and kept feeling all over for it.

He started getting sick, too, ’cause pretty soon both of them started panting like Rover and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold ’cause he put it under her skirt to warm it up. About this time, Sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because Sis told him she was really HOT.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick…a big eel had gotten inside his pants, somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. Honest!! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

Anyway, Sis got real brave and tried to kill the eel by biting his head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go…I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissors lock on it. And he helped by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Oops, sorry, Mom. I know I’m not supposed to say that word. Sis started groaning and sqealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After awhile, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and, sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it hung there limp and some of its guts were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And, by golly, that old eel wasn’t dead after all! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats…they have 9 lives or something.

This time Sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggling, they finally killed the eel for real this time. I know it was really dead ’cause I saw Sis’ boyfriend peel off its skin and flush it down the toilet.

DADDY, DADDY, COME QUICK!!! MOM FELL OUT OF THE CHAIR, AND SHE’S NOT MOVING!!!”

A young reporter for a small-town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor: “Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts.”

The editor scolded the new reporter, saying, “This is a family paper. We don’t use words like ‘breasts’ around here. Now go back and write something more appropriate.”

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally, he handed the Editor the following report: “Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her (o)(o).”

Not-So-Secret Male Handbook

1. Practice grunting 5 times a day. While some may find it
acceptable to grunt only before the morning coffee, the true male will only answer in monosyllabic form, except for emergencies, i.e.. when some portion of your body is on fire.

2. Never ask for directions. Ever. Even if you find yourself crossing the state line when all you wanted was to go buy some ammo.

3. Never ever show emotion. No exceptions. Including the emergency listed in Rule 1.

4. Refuse to talk about the relationship. Get uptight whenever she mentions “love” or “commitment.”

5. Leave your boxers on the dining room table. Several pairs. Pretend they aren’t there for as long as you can.

6. Never talk to a female, no matter how long you’ve known her, when you’re with your friends.

7. Watch WWF Wrestling and believe it’s real. Attempt to get tickets to the matches.

8. Scratch yourself in front of them. Watch them squirm.

9. Realize that your phone bill is way too high, and you couldn’t possibly call any of your female friends, even if it’s local.

10. Never compliment a girl, unless it’s behind her back about the size of her, um…

11. Be early for everything (before the girl is even out of the shower) or don’t show up at all.

12. Tell your girlfriend she doesn’t kiss as well as your ex.

13. Plan for months ahead to finally go to that wrestling match with all your friends, on your anniversary of course, but neglect to tell your significant other until the day before. When she starts crying, offer to take her along. When she kicks you out of the house, move in with your friends and watch wrestling. Tell them she just has PMS.

14. Tell your girlfriend every dirty joke you can think of — you know how she loves them!

15. When she gets a cold, to cheer her up, tell her exactly how red her nose is and how bleary her eyes are. Expect her to be grateful that you’re staying with her.

16. Invite your girlfriend to a Pantera concert. When she gets injured in the mosh pit, get your friend to take her to the emergency room.

17. Tell her, in detail, about all the girls that hit on you.

18. When she finally convinces you to take her to Prom, refuse to dance. Besides, you’re just there to stand around and look cool, right?

19. Automatically assume that she doesn’t know a thing about cars or electrical equipment. When she finally gives in and lets you fix something, try your best to completely ruin it.

20. Blame everything on PMS.

Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

You can be shit faced,
shit out of luck,
or have shit for brains

With a little effort,
you can get your shit together,
find a place for your shit or
decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit,
buy shit,
sell shit,
lose shit,
find shit,
forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit
while others
can’t tell the difference
between
shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits,
dumb shits,
crazy shits,
and sweet shits.

There is bull shit,
horse shit,
chicken shit and
holy shit!

You can throw shit,
sling shit,
catch shit,
or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit
or
serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit
or
Be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit,
some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit,
things can look like shit,
smell like shit,
taste like shit,
and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit,
not enough shit,
the right shit,
the wrong shit or
a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit,
have a mountain of shit,
or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

When you stop to consider all the facts,
it’s the basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit,
you don’t need to know anything else!

Pass this along if you give a shit!!