cold day

The following is from an ACTUAL 1950’s Home Economics textbook for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the propects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, papers, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift also.

4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash their hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noises of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DONT’S: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment: instead, try to understand his world.

10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

The Updated Version for the 90’s Woman:

1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you’d like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crummy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the Cinque counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (That’s what his credit cards are for.)

3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and tell her that any items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box.

4. Prepare the children: Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriage.

5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.

6. Some DONT’S: Don’t greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner…simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.

7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he’s cold. This will really show you care.

8. Listen to him: But don’t ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment.
Go with a friend or go shopping. Familiarize him with the phrase Girls Night Out!

A SNOW DIARY

DECEMBER 4 - 5:00 It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our hot buttered rum and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful.

DECEMBER 9 - We woke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later, the snowplow came along and covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street, He smiled and I waved back. I shoveled it again.

DECEMBER 13 - The sun melted most of our snow. Oh well, I’m sure we’ll get more before this lovely winter is through.

DECEMBER 14 - It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature dropped to about zero. I shoveled the sidewalk and driveway again. Shortly, the snowplow came by and did his trick again.

DECEMBER 15 - Sold our car and bought a 4 x 4 Blazer, so we could get around in the snow. Bought snow tires for the pickup.

DECEMBER 18 - Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway. $139.00 to the Chiropractor, but nothing was broken, thank God. The damned sky is getting dark again.

DECEMBER 19 - Still cold, icy roads, making driving very tough. Slid into a guard rail with my wife’s car. Probably $2,000 damage or so. She’s really pissed off…

December 20 - Had another 11 inches of the white shit last night. More shoveling in store for me today. The goddamn snowplow came by twice.

DECEMBER 22 - We are assured of a white Christmas, because another 7 inches of that white shit fell today and with this freezing weather, it won’t melt until August. I got dressed up to go out and shovel that shit again (boots, jumpsuuit, jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc.) then I got the urge to pee.

DECEMBER 24 - If I ever catch that son of a bitch that drives the snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, and then comes down the street 100 miles and hour and throws that white shit everywhere.

DECEMBER 25 - MERRY CHRISTMAS!! They predict 12 more inches of this fucking white shit tonight. Does anyone know how many goddamn shovelfuls of snow 12 inches are?? The hell with Santa, he doesn’t have to shovel this shit. The snowplow came by asking for a donation. I hit him with my ice pick. The doctors think he’ll live.

DECEMBER 28 - We got 11 more inches. I must be going snow blind or have a severe case of depression, becasue my wife is beginning to look good to me.

DECEMBER 29 - The toilet froze and the roof is starting to cave in. If you go outside don’t eat the brown snow.

DECEMBER 30 - I torched the fucking house and moved to Florida.

I know it’s long, but it’s worth reading:o)

Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

“As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.”

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane…”

“Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

“We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.”

“Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.”

Pilot - “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land… it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, “This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, “We’ve reached our cruising altitude now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella…WHOA..!” “Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.”

“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

“Last one off the plane must clean it.”

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!”

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault…..it was the asphalt!”

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

Wasn’t that bad was it?

The Nice Guy

1. How do you typically look when you arrive to pick up your date?
A. I wear my church clothes
B. I like to dress up. Sometimes I bring a small present or flowers
C. I dress casually unless I am very impressed with the woman
D. I’m late, dress as I want, and if I bring anything it’s a sixpack of beer
E. I take a knife

2.”Women are special.” Is this statement true?
A. Yes, but they scare me
B. Most always
C. Sometimes
D. One or two, but only temporarily until I have my way with them. And I will have my way with them
E. Only when tied and gagged

3. Generally, when a girl cancels out of a date…
A. NOT APPLICABLE. I don’t get the date in the first place
B. I get a weak excuse if I get one at all
C. She says she is sorry and would like to make it another time
D. She cries and begs for forgiveness. The only excuse I’ll accept is death-Hers
E. She moves, changes her name, and gets plastic surgery

4. When I meet a girl, I…
A. talk about mother
B. want to get to know her, find out who she is, and what she does
C. want to get to know her, but only if she is worth it
D. I see a conquest in the making
E. usually scare them off

5. I think women are…
A. like dear old mother
B. should be put on a pedestal
C. fanstastic sometimes
D. good for only one thing
E. the scourge of the earth

6. A girl cancels a date, gives a feeble excuse, and in the process, blows your weekend.
A. you cry
B. you assume she told the truth and wanted to go with you
C. you are disappointed but might try again
D. it never occurs. If it did, there are others waiting in the aisles
E. You set dynamite to her house/apartment

7. On Valentine’s Day…
A. I get a card from Mom
B. I send cards, but receive few
C. I get some cards and send a few
D. I get a lot of cards and read only the ones I want. I send no cards unless it scores points I can collect on later
E. I don’t get any cards and I blame all women for it

8. I get dates…
A. through Mother
B. through a great deal of effort, including groveling and expensive offerings
C. easily some times and hard other times. My success runs hot and cold
D. without effort. Many times they ask me
E. if I pay for them to go. Sometimes that just isn’t enough

9. When I am at a bar…
A. I don’t go to bars
B. I rarely get anywhere with women
C. I occasionally get a phone number
D. I score frequently
E. I drink till I pass out. Of course, this is only if they let me in

10. A girl I date for a long time quits seeing me because…
A. I am boring
B. I don’t know why, many times it is for someone else
C. we fight too much
D. I told her to get lost, or she caught me fooling around
E. I threatened her life

11. When I settle down…
A. I want someone to help me tie my shoes and dress me
B. I want to get married and live like Ozzie and Harriet with lots of kids
C. I might want to get married. Kids are a maybe
D. I’ll settle down when I am dead and buried
E. I can’t settle down. The world is after me

12. Marriage…
A. is for grownups
B. is a pleasant way to spend a life
C. might be nice
D. is a mistake unless she is rich and beautiful and doesn’t mind when I fool around
E. is impossible

13. If I ever got married I would…
A. have to have Mother’s approval
B. be forever faithful
C. be faithful, maybe
D. be faithful at least the first week, or until the first opportunity
to score, which ever comes first
E. lock her in a closet to keep her away from other men

14. I get laid…
A. What does “getting laid” mean?
B. at least once every two years, sometimes
C. a few times a year
D. I’m not sure how many times, but it’s somewhere between 365 times a year and whatever my hero Wilt Chamberlain says is his yearly average
E. never. But I get screwed a lot

15. Look at your charge card bills. Those related to women are…
A. mostly things I get for my mom
B. for dinners, flowers, presents, plays, etc.
C. for sports events, dinner, concerts, occasionally flowers
D. I never pay. If I do it is to buy beer or tickets to professional wrestling or a tractor pull. Look on my date’s credit card bill to see the places I take her.
E. for semi-automatic weapons

Take your test results and grade it by giving each “A” answer 0 points, 1 point for each “B” answer, and so on up to 4 points for each answer “E”.
Total your score and refer to the five groupings below:

0-8 MAMA‘S BOY
Move back home, if you aren’t there already. You are looking for a girl just like the girl who married dear old dad. Women like that don’t exist, and if they do, they don’t have any interest in you. If a Mama’s boy gets married, it is usually to a husband beater. They
are very rare and hopeless cases.

If you are a woman and like this type of man, they are an easy kill. .They are great if you want someone to control or abuse, or you want someone who can not possibly fool around on you. It is prefereable that he has money or stands to gain from an inheritance. The negative side is that you will have to fight with his mother (who probably lives with you) over him, listen to his elephant jokes, and watch him read his subscription to “Mad” Magazine.
famous examples- Felix Unger in the Odd couple and Walter Mitty

9-22 MR. NICE GUY
You poor sap. You are everything a girl thinks she wants but not what she is attracted to. Women chew you up and spit you out. You never get laid.

If you are a woman and a guy you date rates as this type, you have it made. The problem is there is no thrill of victory and little danger of loss that can keep him interesting. If you have a conscience, you feel bad when
you inevitably dump him.
famous examples- ROSS, Harry Connick Jr. (his image anyway), Bobby Ewing in Dallas, Tom Selleck, and Joel from Risky Business

23-37 MR. AVERAGE
Sometimes you are Mr. Nice Guy, and sometimes you aren’t. It depends on the woman in question. For men of this type, It means that you probably want what you probably can’t get.

For women, if he is strongly attracted to you, he will do anything for you and behaves like Mr. Nice guy. If he is not attracted to you, he acts like Mr. Abuse
famous examples- Burt Reynolds, Bruce Springstein, Chandler?, Joey?

38-52 MR. ABUSE
Mr. Abuse is the most sucessful with women. He is the one who gives the least and gets the most. Rampant outbreaks of VD can usually be controlled from this source. Cure him, and you have cured the problem.

For women who seek such a man, he will ruin you, but the thrill of the chase, the desire to win over and conquer him intrigues you and makes your life worth living.
famous examples- Wilt Chamberlain, Mike Tyson, J.R. Ewing, John Derek, James Dean, Marlon Brando, Rob Lowe, Mickey O’Rourke, Jim Morrison, Pablo Piccasso, Teddy Kennedy, and PAULO

53-60 MR. PSYCHO
You should be in Jail.

If you are a woman and this man comes to your home, pull out your .44 magnum, open the door, and let him make your day. Mr. Psycho is as rare as Mama’s boy. If you are attracted to such a man, seek a Doctors help immediately.
famous examples- John Hinkley Jr., Woody Allen, Richard Speck, David Koresh, Richard Ramierez, Ted Bundy, and Kevin Coe.

January 10: It’s 5pm. It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we’ve seen in many years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window watching the snow flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was so pristine and beautiful. Things could not be any better.

January 11: We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight - just the finest we nearly ever saw. Every tree and schrub was covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in many years and was absolutely thrilled. I loved it! I did both the driveway and sidewalk. Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. I’m satisfied that was done in error and he was genuinely sorry. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again. Lotsa fun!

January 12: It snowed an additional five inches last night and the temperature dropped to about 11 degrees. It seemed almighty cold — not at all like it was back in Tennessee. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I had to shovel the driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and pulled his trick again. Now much of the snow is brownish gray. Be kinda nice if some of it would melt or go away.

January 13: It warmed up enough during the day to create some slush that soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell and busted my ass in the driveway. $145 to the chiropractor (my copay) but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

January 14: Still cold as dammit! Had another eight inches of the white shit last night. More shoveling in store for me today. Both vehicles in salt and crud. Sold the wife’s car and bought a 4×4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail and did lots of damage to the right front fender. The goddamn snowplow came by twice today.

January 15: It’s two fucking degrees outside. More fucking snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off for most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater. Tripped over the heater and almost burned the fucking house down. I managed to put out the flames but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all of my eyelashes and eyebrows. The car slid off the road on the way to the emergency room and was totaled.

January 16: Goddamn mother fucking white shit keeps coming down. I have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fucking mailbox. If I ever catch that son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow I’ll chew his chest open and rip his fucking heart out! The smartass hides around the corner and waits until I shovel the driveway again. Power is off again. Toilet froze and part of the roof started to cave in.

January 17: Six more goddamn fucking inches of fucking snow and fucking sleep and fucking ice and no telling what other kind of white fucking shit fell last night. I wounded the fucking snowplow asshole with an axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Truck won’t start. I think I’m going snow-blind. I can’t feel my toes. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More white shit predicted. Wind chill is two degrees below zero.

I’M MOVING MY ASS BACK TO GOOD OLE TENNESSEE!!!