cold day

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have
a work station…

* If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with “quit while you’re ahead”?

* I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me. They’re cramming for their “finals”.

* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use…Toothpicks?

* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do…write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

* How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?

* If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

* Go ahead and take risks….just be sure that everything will turn out OK.

* If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

* Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

* How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

* Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why people appear bright until you hear them speak?

* How come “abbreviated” is such a long word?

* If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

It was a hot day in Mississippi and Helga, the family’s German housekeeper, had hung the wash outside to dry, baked a strudel and then went into town to pick up dry-cleaning and buy groceries.

“Gootness zakes”, she thought to herself as she walked to the cleaners, “It sure iss hodt.”

As she happened to pass a tavern, she pictured a frosty cold drink, so she went inside and sat down at the bar.

“Afternoon, Maam,” smiled the friendly bartender. “What would y’all like?”

“Chee,” said Helga, “It’s so hodt, I zink I vould like a nice coldt beer, yah?”

“Yes, Maam,” said the barkeep, setting a glass on the bar. “Anheuser Busch?”

“Oh fine, zanks,” blushed Helga, “An how’s your pecker?”

Jeff had been my best friend since kindergarten, so it was no surprise to me when he asked me to be the best man at his wedding. On the appointed day, as we were getting dressed for the ceremony, Jeff got a rather severe case of “cold feet.”

“I can’t go through with it,” he said.

“I’m nauseous, my stomach is cramping, and my knees are like spaghetti.”

I said, “It’s just PMS.”

“PMS?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I quipped, “Pre-Marital Syndrome.”

If Con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the black box stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?

Some time ago, there was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.

As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day’s work.

He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said, “Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It’s the least I can do.”

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. “Oh my God !!!” he whispered loudly, “It’s my wife ! Quick !!! Take all your clothes off.”