drop clinton

CLINTON TRAGEDIO AMERICANO

(Program notes translated by Rodgers Wood)

Cast of Characters:
Bill Clinton, tenor - philandering President of the United States
Hillary Rodham Clinton, soprano - his long-suffering wife
Monica Lewinsky, soprano - a conniving little White House intern
Ken Starr, basso - puritanical special prosecutor
Henry Hyde, basso - a true believer congressman
Linda Tripp, contralto - double-crossing friend of Monica’s
Paula Jones, contralto - a wild woman from Arkansas
Sam Donaldson, baritone - a television news reporter

The Basso Cabal
Richard Mellon Scaife - radical right-wing newspaper publisher
Newt Gingrich - a foot-in-mouth specialist
Pat Robertson - fundamentalist minister
Bill McCollum - another true believer congressman
Tom DeLay - a third true believer Congressman
Trent Lott - Senate Majority leader

The Media Chorus
The Chorus of Lawyers

Act I

Bill Clinton has been elected President of the United States by an overwhelming margin. The Republicans are angry and are trying to regain power.

As the curtain rises, the Basso Cabal is meeting with Ken Starr with the object of finding a way to remove Bill Clinton from the Presidency. The opening chorale “We Must Find a Way” (Creato Grandissimo Flooza Scandala) is sung as a sextet. In an impressive recitative, Scaife sings “Where Will We Find a Helper?” (Dredgi Uppa Un Grande Bimbo). The six exit.

Paula Jones enters stage right, holding a mirror, and begins singing the plaintive, “Why Can’t I Find a Man?” (Mi Schnozze Es Humongo). Tom DeLay and Newt Gingrich enter from stage left. They see Paula and sing the duet, “Why Not Her?” (La Flooza Perfecto). They meet and invite Paula to a small cafe where they hatch their plot in hushed tones. Paula tells them of her meeting with Clinton in a hotel years earlier and how her fortunes have collapsed since then. DeLay and Gingrich offer to help. They sing the aria “Your Luck Has Changed” (Nose Jobbo e Molto Rewardo).

Act II

The Cabal reconvenes with the news of Paula’s revelations. They sing in jubilation, “We Must Tell the World” (Phono E Tabloido). The rear curtain raises to reveal the Chorus of Media who sing the chorale, “Tell Us More, But Only the Truth” (Sexua Scandala Hypo Per Sweepi).

Gingrich enters with Pat Robertson. They sing the duet “He Must Go” (Hypocritti Pious Crappola). Robertson offers to donate time on his television program to expose the charges. At the Cabal’s suggestion, Paula initiates a lawsuit. The Jones scandal becomes the topic of conversation throughout the country. The Chorus of Lawyers enters from the right to sing the jubilant grand chorale, “We Must Do Our Duty” (Multi, Multi Grande Moola). Ken Starr meets with the Basso Cabal to plan the next steps. They sing the aria, “We Will Save the Country” (Sleazi Connivo). Starr promises to convene a grand jury which will send charges to the Congress. He sings “The Truth Will Be Known” (Whitewater Non Starto, Probo La Flooza Epidemico). The Chorus of Lawyers sings a reprise of “We Must Do Our Duty” as the act ends.

Act III

Linda Tripp enters the stage arm in arm with Ken Starr. She is wearing a headset. She is singing “Monica Is My Dearest Friend” (Io Sono La Wickedo Witchini Occidenta). She tells Starr about the secret tapes that she has made of conversations with Monica Lewinsky. Starr takes them from her and sings, “We’ve Got Him Now” (Presidente Droppo Pantalone).

Starr hurries off to the Grand Jury to call Monica as a witness. Monica enters the grand jury room where the Chorus of Lawyers ask her questions. They sing the recitative, “How did it happen?” (Panti Thongo, La Flasha?). Monica replies in the long passionate aria, “We Were Meant For Each Other” (Non Smoko El Producto, Phalli Symbolo).

In the third scene, Hillary and Bill are sitting in the Lincoln Bedroom discussing the revelations about Monica. Hillary sings, “I Will Stand By You” (Su Jerchino Estupido, Mi Removo Su Equipmento). Bill replies with “She Was the Only One” (Non Counti Gennifer, Paula, Plusi Multi Bimbo Forgetto). They embrace.

Act IV

Sam Donaldson is interviewing Henry Hyde in the Capitol Building. The Chorus of Lawyers hum in the background. Hyde sings the aria, “We Believe in Something” (Impeacho Hippi Bastardo). Donaldson sings a recitative in answer, “We Only Want the Truth” (Toupee Eslippo).

The great trial begins in the Senate. Trent Lott reacts to public opinion polls showing that the president has 76% approval ratings. He sings the poignant aria, “What is Right is Not Popular” (Parta Republico Committi Suicidio). The Chorus of Lawyers sings the chorale, “Principles Come First” (Mi Adulteri Non Counto). With great flourish, Henry Hyde, Bill McCollum and Tom DeLay stand before the Senate to present their case. They sing the somber trio, “How Can You Not Convict? (Evidensi Multi Flimsioso).

Finally in a moving chorale, the Chorus of Lawyers sings “For the Good of the Nation, We Must Acquit” (Senatori Non Stupido). After the vote is announced, Henry Hyde, Tom DeLay, Trent Lott and Bill McCollum leave the Senate Chamber singing the grand quartet “We Still Know the Truth” (Wasto Multi Millioni) as the act ends.

Epilogue

The president sings the contrite aria, “I Am Very Sorry” (Revengo Futurini) as the Chorus of Media circles him shouting their questions. They sing, “Who Will Now Believe Us?” (Publico Disgusto Con Medio). Monica Lewinsky crosses the stage with her new literary agent, Ken Starr. They sing, “It is Still Not Over” (Publishe Grande Bookino, Getti Richino) as the curtain falls.

FINI!

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Clintons Operation Vowel Drop

CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO SERBIA and BOSNIA
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients
Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Yugoslavia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Yugoslav names more pronounceable.

“For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world,” Clinton said. “Today, the United States must finally stand up and say ‘Enough.’

It is time the people of Yugoslavia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour.”

The deployment, dubbed Operation Vowel Movement by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of “E’s,” will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.

“My God, I do not think we can last another day,” Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. “I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one ‘E.’ Please.” Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: “With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream.”

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L’s, S’s and T’s.

Carrying the presidential laptop computer, a White House staffer walks into the Oval Office and announces, “Bad news, Mr. President. You’ve got the Melissa Virus.”

An exasperated Clinton curses, gets up from his chair and promptly drops his pants. “Well, don’t just stand there!” Clinton yells. “Get the doctor in here to give me a shot and get it over with. Damn that topless dancer from Jersey!”

Why DID the chicken cross the road?

VICE PRESIDENT GORE: I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH: I don’t believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road

SENATOR LIEBERMAN: I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way.

SECRETARY CHENEY: Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don’t want to cross the road. They don’t need help crossing the road. In fact, I’m not interested in crossing the road myself.

RALPH NADER: Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren’t ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it - the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by “cross”? Could you define “cross” please?

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and lo, there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

A memo….

Mr. John Hinkley
St. Elizabeth Hospital
Washington D.C.

Dear John,

Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our Country’s new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.

Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation.

Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best Wishes,

Bill Clinton

P.S. Ken Starr is fucking Jodie Foster