ego

Why are men like lawn mowers?
If you’re not pushing one around, then you’re riding it.

Why is a hard man good to find?
You don’t have to stay up half the night massaging his ego.

How is an ex-husband like an inflamed appendix?
It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn’t need it anyway.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run or don’t fit right in the crotch!

How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need……..
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

How does a man keep his youth?
By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

What’s the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital

What is the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch

How are men like bank machines?
Once they withdraw they lose interest

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Why do men prefer the woman to be on top?
Because men always fuck up.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals”

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go back to the girl’s place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

The girl watches him and says, “You must be a dentist.”

The guy, surprised, says, “Yes…how did you figure that out?”

The girl says, “Easy…you keep washing your hands.”

One thing leads to another, and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, “You must be a GREAT dentist.”

The guy, now with a boosted ego, says, “Yes, I sure am a great dentist…How did you figure that out?”

The girl says, “Easy…I didn’t feel a thing!”

“I have good news, and I have bad news,” spake Moses as he returned from the peaks of Mt. Sinai. “The good news is that God has reduced the commandments to ten. The bad news is that adultry’s still in.”

Q: What’s long and green, goes like this, (wriggle hand like a snake) and has an ass-hole every 3 feet?

Answer: A St. Patrick’s Day Parade

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, “In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.

Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.” In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

“Remember” said the Lord, “You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year.”

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.

“Noah”, He shouted. “Where is the Ark”?

“Lord, please forgive me!” cried Noah. “I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with the Coast Guard over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish & Wildlife Service won’t let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

“The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

“When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Army Corp of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

“Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking Godless, unbelieving people aboard. The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I’m building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a ‘recreational water craft.’

“Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional. I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years,” Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.

“You mean You are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?” Noah asked.

“No,” said the Lord sadly. “I don’t have to. The government already has.”