fake ids

About eight years ago there was a kid named bort. He had no friends and wasn’t very smart.

His teacher, along with the principal knew how dumb he really was. Instead of giving him a lot of homework like the rest of the kids, his teacher told him to go home and think of three words to tell his teacher the next day.

He went home and watched T.V when he was watching T.V he decided to start his home work. He watched T.V. until he found a word he new how to spell. He was watching a rocket fly into space, so he heard one of the scientists say “take off” that was his first word.

1.Take Off

He went into his bedroom, and played with his toys, such as demented dwarves, fake puke, and a zebra. Since he slept with his Zebra, he decided to add “Zebra” to his list

1. Take off
2. Zebra

Now it was on to his final word. His dad came home with a slut and went into the bedroom. Bort stood out side the door of his dad’s bedroom, and heard words like, ouch, baby, gargle, gargle, oh yeah, suck me, hard, stiff, and other words. So since bort’s dad always called bort a baby, bort decided to use the word “baby”. He went to his teacher the next day and told her what the three wods were she said “tell me” so he said “take off zebra baby”.

If you didn’t understand that it was take off ze bra baby, as in take off your bra baby.

Every Saturday morning, Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren…all boys. The kids always wanted to play “war,” and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game.

His daughter came to pick up the boys early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa taking a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, “Bang!” Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there, motionless. His daughter rushed over to see if he was all right.

Grandpa open one eye and whispered, “Sh-h-h, I always do this. It’s the only chance I get to rest.”

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year’s incoming freshmen. Here’s this year’s list:
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1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one president.
6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
7. They have never feared a nuclear war. “The Day After” is a pill to them, not a movie.
8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up, and Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.
9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely do not know what it is.
11. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull-top can looks like.
12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
13. The expression “you sound like a broken record” means nothing to them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
16. Star Wars looks very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic.
17. There have always been red M&Ms, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?
18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably never have actually seen or heard one.
19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
21. They have always had an answering machine.
22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
23. They have always had cable.
24. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
26. They were born the year that the Sony introduced the Walkman.
27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
30. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
31. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
32. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, or even the Civil War.
33. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
34. They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.
35. They never heard the terms: “Where’s the beef?,” “I’d walk a mile for a Camel,” or “de plane, de plane!”
36. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
37. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
38. Michael Jackson has always been white.
39. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
40. McDonald’s never came in styrofoam containers.
41. There has always been MTV.

“Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs.”

“Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”

“Maybe, just once, someone will call me ’sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene!’”

“Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is
important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals!
Except the weasel.”

“If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

“Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.”

“Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.”

“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”

“Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. ‘Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.’”

“To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s
problems!”

“I want to share something with you - the three sentences
that will get you through life:
Number one, ‘Cover for me.’
Number two, ‘Oh, good idea, boss.’
Number three, ‘It was like that when I got here.’”

Parents are embarrassing, Take my dad. Every time a friend comes to stay the night, he does something that makes my face go red.

Now don’t get me wrong. He is a terrific dad. I love him but sometimes I think he will never grow up. He loves playing practical jokes.

This behavior first started one night when Anna came to sleep over. Unknown to me, dad sneaks into my room and puts Doona, our cat, on the spare bed. Doona loves sleeping on beds. What cat doesn’t? Next dad unwraps a little package that he has bought at the magic shop. Do you know what is in it? Can you believe this? It is a little piece of brown plastic cat poo. Pretend cat poo. He puts this piece of cat poo on Anna’s pillow and pulls up the blankets. Then he tiptoes out and closes the door.

I do not know any of this is happening. Annna and I are sitting up late watching videos. We eat chips covered in sauce and drink two whole bottles of Diet Coke. Finally we decide to go to bed. Anna takes ages and ages cleaning her teeth. She is one of those kids who is into health. She has a thing about germs. She always places paper on the toilet seat before she sits down. She is So clean.

She puts on her tracksuit bottoms and gets ready for bed. Then she pulls back the blankets. Suddenly she sees the bit of cat’s poo. “Ooh, ooh, ooh,” she screams. “Oh, look, disgusting. Foul. Look what the cat’s done on my pillow.” Suddenly dad bursts into the room. “What’s up, girls?” he says with a silly grin on his face. “What’s all the fuss about?”

Anna is pulling a terrible face. “Look,” she says in horror as she points to the pillow.

Dad goes and examines the plastic poo. “Don’t let a little thing like that worry you,” he says. He picks up the plastic poo and pops it into his mouth. He gives a grin. “D’licioush,” he says through closed lips.

“Aargh,” screams Anna. She rushes over to the window and throws up chips, sauce, and Diet Coke. Then she looks at dad in disgust.

Dad is a bit taken aback at Anna being sick. “It’s okay,” he says, taking the plastic poo out of his mouth. “It’s not real.” Dad gives a laugh and off he goes. And off goes Anna. She decides that she wants to go home to her own house. And I don’t blame her.

“Dad,” I yell after Anna is gone. “I am never speaking to you again.” “Don’t be such a baby,” he says. “It’s only a little joke.” It’s always the same. Whenever a friend comes over to stay, dad plays practical jokes. We have fake hands in the trash, exploding drinks, pepper in the food, short-sheeted beds, and Dracula’s blood seeping out of dad’s mouth. Some of the kids think its great. They wish their dads were like mine. But I hate it. I just wish he were normal. He plays trick on Bianca. And Yasmin. And Nga. And Karla. None of them go home like Anna. But each time I am so embarrassed.

And now I am worried. Cynthia is coming to stay. She is the school captain. She is beautiful. She is smart. Everyone wants to be her friend. And now she is sleeping over at our house. “Dad,” I say. “No practical jokes. Cynthia is very mature. Her father would never play practical jokes. She might not understand.” “No worries,” says dad.

Cynthia arrives, but we do not watch videos. We slave away on our English homework. We plan our speeches for the debate in the morning. We go over our parts in the school play. After all that, we go out and practice shooting baskets, because Cynthia is captain of the basketball team. Every now and then I pop into the bedroom to check for practical jokes. It is best to be on the safe side. We also do the dishes because Cynthia offers–yes–offers to do it.

Finally it is time for bed. Cynthia changes into her nightie in the bathroom and then joins me in the bedroom. “The cat’s on my bed,” she says. “But it doesn’t matter. I like cats.” She pulls back the blankets. And screams. “Aagh. Cat poo. Filthy cat poo on my pillow.” She yells and yells and yells. Just then dad bursts into the room with a silly grin on his face. He goes over and looks at the brown object on the pillow. He picks it up and pops it into his mouth. But this time he does not give a grin. His face freezes over. “Are you looking for this?” I say. I hold up a bit of plastic poo that Dad had hidden under the blankets earlier that night. Dad looks at the cat. Then he rushes over to the window and is sick. Cynthia and I laugh like mad. We do love a good joke.