fake ids

“I’m going fishing.”
Really means… “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“Let’s take your car.”
Really means…. “Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.”

“Woman driver.”
Really means…. “Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.”

“I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen.”
Really means…. “As long as it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.”

“It’s a guy thing.”
Really means…. “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“Can I help with dinner?”
Really means…. “Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.” Really mean…. Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling.

“Good idea.”
Really means…. “It’ll never work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating.”

“Have you lost weight?”
Really means…. “I’ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.”

“My wife doesn’t understand me.”
Really means…. “She’s heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.”

“It would take too long to explain.”
Really means…. “I have no idea how it works.”

“I’m getting more exercise lately.”
Really means…. “The batteries in the remote are dead.”

“I got a lot done.”
Really means…. “I found ‘Waldo’ in almost every picture.”

“We’re going to be late.”
Really means…. “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”

“Hey, I’ve read all the classics.”
Really means…. “I’ve been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.”

“You cook just like my mother used to.”
Really means…. “She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.”

“I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.”
Really means…. “I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.”

“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
Really means…. “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“That’s interesting, dear.”
Really means…. “Are you still talking?”

“Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”
Really means…. “I forgot our anniversary again.”

“You expect too much of me.”
Really means…. “You want me to stay awake.”

“It’s a really good movie.”
Really means…. “It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.” (or Rene Russo)

“That’s women’s work.”
Really means…. “It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”

“Will you marry me?”
Really means…. “Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”

“Go ask your mother.”
Really means…. “I am incapable of making a decision.”

“You know how bad my memory is.”
Really means…. “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
Really means….”The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“Football is a man’s game.”
Really means…. “Women are generally too smart to play it.”

“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.”
Really means…. “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“I do help around the house.”
Really means…. “I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”

“Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
Really means…. “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”

“I can’t find it.”
Really means…. “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“What did I do this time?”
Really means…. “What did you catch me at?”

“What do you mean, you need new clothes?”
Really means…. “You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.”

“She’s one of those rabid feminists.”
Really means…. “She refused to make my coffee.”

“But I hate to go shopping.”
Really means…. “Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.”

“No, I left plenty of gas in the car.”
Really means…. “You may actually get it to start.”

“I’m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.”
Really means…. “I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth reathing, pre-evolutionary companions.”

“I heard you.”
Really means…. “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“You know I could never love anyone else.”
Really means…. “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

“You look terrific.”
Really means…. “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”

“I brought you a present.”
Really means…. “It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.”

“I missed you.”
Really means…. “I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”

“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
Really means…. “No one will ever see us alive again, but rather that then stop and ask for directions.”

“We share the housework.”
Really means…. “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”

“This relationship is getting too serious.”
Really means…. “I like you more than my truck.”

“I recycle.”
Really means…. “We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.”

“Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.”
Really means…. “Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?”

“It sure snowed last night.”
Really means…. “I suppose you’re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.”

“It’s good beer.”
Really means…. “It was on sale.”

“I don’t need to read the instructions.”
Really means…. “I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.”

“I’ll fix the garbage disposal later.”
Really means…. “If I wait long enough you’ll get frustrated and buy a new one.”

“I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant.”
Really means…. “Someplace that doesn’t have a drive-thru window.”

“I broke up with her.”
Really means…. “She dumped me.”

NEW YORK
It is against the law to throw a ball at someone’s head for fun.
The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

NEW JERSEY
You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service only.
In Ocean City, it is against the law to slurp your soup at a restaurant.

CALIFORNIA
It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
Women may not drive in a house coat.

FLORIDA
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

OHIO
Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
It is illegal to get a fish drunk.

KANSAS
Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.
No one may catch fish with his bare hands.

OKLAHOMA
Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another’s hamburger.

ALABAMA
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Really.

WISCONSIN
In Racine, it is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.
Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.

VIRGINIA
It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays.
Flipping a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for coffee is outlawed.

TEXAS
It is illegal have more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
It is illegal for person to go barefoot without first obtaining a permit.

ILLINOIS
It is against the law to use a slingshot unless you are a police officer.
Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.

IOWA
Public kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
One armed piano players must perform for free.

WASHINGTON
It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.
People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.

MASSACHUSETTS
Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.

ARIZONA
It is illegal to hunt camels within the state borders.
In Tucson, women may not wear pants.

Dear Jenny,
Ann Landers wouldn’t print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.

It’s about my son, Billy. He’s always been a good, normal ten-year-old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire, you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. We tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It’s where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I don’t know what’s happened. He’s changed. I can’t explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy’s letters.

Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. We’re learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? I’m getting used to it now. Gotta go, It’s time for the flowchart class.
Love, Billy.
P.S. This is written on a word processor. Pretty swell, huh? It’s spell checked, too.

Dear Mom,
Don’t worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don’t have much of a tan ’cause we don’t go outside very often. You can’t see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I’m okay, really.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,
I’m fine. I’m sleeping enough. I’m eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it’s okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I’ve got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Say hi to Dad.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We’ve got a way to not pay. Sorry I haven’t written. I’ve been learning a lot. I’m real good at getting onto any computer in the country. It’s really easy! I got into the university’s in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he’s going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He’s really smart. He says that I shouldn’t call myself Billy anymore. So, I’m not.
Signed, Bill.

Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why’d you get so upset? I haven’t gained that much weight. The glasses aren’t real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. I didn’t get hurt or anything, the tape on them is fake. I thought that you’d be proud of my program. After all, I’ve made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I’ve paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won’t be home until late August.
Regards, Bill.

Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True… physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable like Aaron did with his parents with their bank, credit bureau, and the government computers. I am not kidding. O.K.? I don’t have time to write again, so this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.
Sincerely, Bill.

See what I mean? It’s been two weeks since I’ve heard from my little boy. What can I do, Jenny? I know that it’s probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so.

Thank you very much,
Sally Gates, Concerned Parent

The Top 39 Things You Would NEVER Hear A Texan Say:
39. “I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex”.
38. Duct tape won’t fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
35. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can’t feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.
30. Wrasslin’s fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We’re vegetarians.
27. Do you think my hair is too big?
26. I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
24. Who’s Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I’ll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.
15. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s
11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She’s too old to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
5. I don’t have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Texan say is:

1. Elvis who?

Top 39 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say
ever, no matter how much they’ve had to drink, no matter
how far from the South they’ve wandered and no matter
how much the skunks are threatening…
******************************************************
39. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won’t fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
35. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can’t feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.
30. Wrasslin’s fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We’re vegetarians.
27. Do you think my hair is too big?
26. I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
24. Who’s Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I’ll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.
15. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She’s too old to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
5. I don’t have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla Jean.

And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is
- - - 1. Elvis who?