false teeth

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, “I forgot my teeth.”

The man said, “No problem.”

With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. “Try these,” he said.

The speaker tried them. “Too loose,” he said.

The man then said, “I have another pair… try these.”

The speaker tried them and responded, “Too tight.”

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, “I have one more pair of false teeth… try them.”

The speaker said, “They fit perfectly.”

With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

“I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”

The man replied, “I’m not a dentist. I’m the local undertaker.”

A man in a bar said to the bartender, “I’ll bet you a hundred bucks I can bite my own eye!” The bartender, convinced this was impossible, accepted. The man pulled out his false teeth, bit his eye gently with them, and replaced them in his mouth. The bartender was pretty upset, but paid the $100.

A few minutes later, the man approached the bartender again. “Look,” he said, “I’ll give you a chance to win that hundred back. I’ll bet you the same hundred bucks I can bite my eye, without taking out my false teeth.” Again the bartender accepted the bet. And again the man pulled a fast one, removing his glass eye and biting it. The bartender was really angry, but paid another $100.

After half an hour, the man came up to the bartender again and apologized. “I really should apologize, it wasn’t fair to take advantage of you like that. I’ll let you win the two hundred dollars back, really easily. I’ll make a bet that if you stand me up on a bar stool and spin me around, I can piss in a glass on the bar without spilling a drop.” The bartender knew this was impossible, and leapt at the chance.

The bartender put a pint glass on the bar, and the man got up on the stool and dropped his pants. As the bartender laughed and spun the stool around, the man started to pee. Nothing went in the glass. He peed all over the bartender, who was laughing so hard he nearly fell over. After he was finished, the bartender chuckled, “How could you make such a stupid bet?”

“It wasn’t stupid at all,” the man said. “I just bet those guys in the corner a thousand bucks I could piss in your face and you’d break up laughing!”

A man went to his dentist to complain about his false teeth. The dentist, after a careful exam, asked, “What have you been eating? Your entire upper plate has eroded since I gave you these teeth just a few weeks ago.”

“The only thing I can imagine is that recently my wife served me some asparagus with Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much that I now eat it everyday on everything–toast, meat, vegetables, fish–everything!”

“Well,” said the dentist, “that is likely the problem, since Hollandaise contains lemon juice. I’ll make you a new plate that can withstand the corrosive sauce.”

A few days later, the man returned to receive his new teeth, but he was surprised to see them all shiny and silvery. “What are they made of?” he asked.

“I know they might look a bit unusual,” replied his dentist, “but everyone knows, there’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.”