family business

After many years, a young Talmud student who had left the old country for America, returns to visit his family.

“But, where is your beard?” asks his mother upon seeing him.

“Mama,” he replies, “in American, nobody wears a beard.”

“But at least you keep the Sabbath?” Mama asks.

“Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath.”

“But kosher food, you still eat?” asks Mama.

“Mama, in American, it is very difficult to keep kosher.”

The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, “Isaac, tell me, are you still circumcised?”

Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is William Jefferson Clinton and I’m the President of the United States. And right now I’m going trough some minor legal problems that you may or may not have heard about, and these legal problems are probably going to force me out of office sooner or later and that got me thinking the other day. When I’m out of office I’m going to need some sort of steady income to support my family, there’s my beautiful daughter Chelsea and my beaut.. And my wife Hillary. And I can’t forget about all of my side projects, if you will.

So I thought about it for a while and then it dawned on me, start my own business involving two things that I know very well, cigars and interns. That’s right, in your local smoke shop soon, Bill Clinton’s intern rolled cigars. No longer will you have to wonder if your cigar was hand rolled, because I guarentee that all of my cigars are hand rolled by my very own personal interns.

And to top that off, not only are the cigars all hand rolled by my interns, but each intern will seal the cigar in their very own personal way. (Smells a cigar) smells great; (puts cigar in mouth) tastes even better. But the best part about this whole deal is they’re interns, I don’t have to pay them a dime. But out of the kindness of my heart, we do work out an agreement to make sure the interns are taken care of, repeatedly.

So the next time you’re in your favorite smoke shop ask for them by name, Bill Clinton’s intern rolled cigars. But if you can’t wait until then you can call my special 900 number and I’ll rush you out an order of the limited edition Monica Lewinsky cigars. The ones in the blue package with the white writing.

Don’t forget, that’s Bill Clinton’s intern rolled cigars, coming to a store near you as soon as I’m impeached.

“I think we agree, the past is over.”—On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000

“It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.”–Reuters, May 5, 2000 (Thanks to Allison Fansler.)

GOV. BUSH: Because the picture on the newspaper. It just seems so un-American to me, the picture of the guy storming the house with a scared little boy there. I talked to my little brother, Jeb—I haven’t told this to many people. But he’s the governor of—I shouldn’t call him my little brother–my brother, Jeb, the great governor of Texas.
JIM LEHRER: Florida.
GOV. BUSH: Florida. The state of the Florida.—The NewsHour With Jim Lehrer, April 27, 2000

“Laura and I really don’t realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis.”—Meet the Press, April 15, 2000

“I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.”—In Los Angeles as quoted by the Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000

“We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations, their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there’s not this kind of federal—federal cufflink.”—At Fritsche Middle School, Milwaukee, March 30, 2000

“Other Republican candidates may retort to personal attacks and negative ads.”—Fund-raising letter from George W. Bush, quoted in the Washington Post, March 24, 2000

“People make suggestions on what to say all the time. I’ll give you an example; I don’t read what’s handed to me. People say, ‘Here, here’s your speech, or here’s an idea for a speech.’ They’re changed. Trust me.”—Interview with the New York Times, March 15, 2000

“It’s evolutionary, going from governor to president, and this is a significant step, to be able to vote for yourself on the ballot, and I’ll be able to do so next fall, I hope.”—In an interview with the Associated Press, March 8, 2000 (Thanks to Joshua Micah Marshall.)

“I understand small business growth. I was one.”—New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000

“The senator has got to understand if he’s going to have—he can’t have it both ways. He can’t take the high horse and then claim the low road.”—To reporters in Florence, S.C., Feb. 17, 2000

“Really proud of it. A great campaign. And I’m really pleased with the organization and the thousands of South Carolinians that worked on my behalf. And I’m very gracious and humbled.”—To Cokie Roberts, This Week, Feb. 20, 2000

“I don’t want to win? If that were the case why the heck am I on the bus 16 hours a day, shaking thousands of hands, giving hundreds of speeches, getting pillared in the press and cartoons and still staying on message to win?”—Newsweek, Feb. 28, 2000

“I thought how proud I am to be standing up beside my dad. Never did it occur to me that he would become the gist for cartoonists.”—ibid.

“If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.”—Hilton Head, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

“How do you know if you don’t measure if you have a system that simply suckles kids through?”—Explaining the need for educational accountability in Beaufort, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

“We ought to make the pie higher.”—South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000

“The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.”—Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000

“This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It’s what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve.”—Speaking during “Perseverance Month” at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, N.H. As quoted in the Los Angeles Times, Jan. 28, 2000

“I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.”—Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

“This is still a dangerous world. It’s a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mential losses.”—At a South Carolina oyster roast, as quoted in the Financial Times, Jan. 14, 2000

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”—Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

“Gov. Bush will not stand for the subsidation of failure.”—ibid.

“I read the newspaper.”—In answer to a question about his reading habits, New Hampshire Republican Debate, Dec. 2, 1999

“The students at Yale came from all different backgrounds and all parts of the country. Within months, I knew many of them.”—From A Charge To Keep, by George W. Bush, published November 1999

“It is incredibly presumptive for somebody who has not yet earned his party’s nomination to start speculating about vice presidents.”—Keene, N.H., Oct. 22, 1999, quoted in the New Republic, Nov. 15, 1999

“The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?”—Answering a question about why he hasn’t spent more time in New Hampshire, in the New York Times, Oct. 23, 1999

“I don’t remember debates. I don’t think we spent a lot of time debating it. Maybe we did, but I don’t remember.”—On discussions of the Vietnam War when he was an undergraduate at Yale, Washington Post, July 27, 1999

“The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned first-hand from your foreign minister, who came to Texas.”—To a Slovak journalist as quoted by Knight Ridder News Service, June 22, 1999. Bush’s meeting was with Janez Drnovsek, the prime minister of Slovenia.

“If the East Timorians decide to revolt, I’m sure I’ll have a statement.”—Quoted by Maureen Dowd in the New York Times, June 16, 1999

“Keep good relations with the Grecians.”—Quoted in the Economist, June 12, 1999

“Kosovians can move back in.”—CNN Inside Politics, April 9, 1999

“It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then.”—From a 1994 interview, as quoted in First Son, by Bill Minutaglio

The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair.

“You’ve got to help me, Doctor. I’m losing my memory,” he sobbed. “I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family. I was a respected member of the community. But all that’s gone now. Since my memory began failing, I’ve lost the business–I couldn’t remember my client’s names. My wife and children have left me, too. And why shouldn’t they–some nights I wouldn’t get home until four or five in the morning. I’d forget where I lived….And it’s getting worse, Doctor, it’s getting worse!”

“This is not an unusual form of neurosis,” the psychiatrist said soothingly. “Now, tell me, just how ago did you first become aware of this condition?”

“Condition?” The man sat up in his chair. “What condition?”

TOP 20 JEWISH COUNTRY-WESTERN SONG TITLES

20. “If You Want to Play in Tel Aviv, You Gotta’ Have a Clarinet in the Band”

19. “I’ve Got Your Yarmulke, She’s Got You”

18. “You Put Out All The Candles On The Menorah Of My Heart”

17. “Achey-Breakey Matzoh”

16. “I Got Friends in Low Synagogues”

15. “My New Rabbi’s Named Jack Daniels”

14. “Bubba Shot the Cantor”

13. “Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights”

12. “My Rowdy Friend Elijah’s Comin’ Over Tonight”

11. “New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament”

10. “Stand by Your Mensch”

9. “Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes”

8. “I Balanced Your Books, but You’re Breaking My Heart”

7. “My Darlin’s a Schmendrick and I’m All Verklempt”

6. “That Shiksa Done Made off with My Heart Like a Goniff”

5. “The Second Time She Said ‘Shalom’, I Knew She Meant ‘Goodbye’”

4. “You’re the Lox My Bagel’s Been Missin’”

3. “You Been Talkin’ Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town”

2. “Mamas Don’t Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweated Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn’t Mean Anything Now That You’re Turning Your Back on Such a Gift!)”

And the #1 Jewish Country Western Song Title:

1. “I Was One of the Chosen People (’Til She Chose Somebody Else)”