family business

You receive a $300 bill from your tree surgeon and you live in an apartment.

The plumber tells you it would be cheaper to install a diving board than to drain the cellar.

You bear a striking resemblance to this week’s prime suspect on America’s Most Wanted.

The Dialing for Dollars host quizzes you about the only John Wayne film you haven’t seen.

Your heart medication has been replaced with sugar pills and a note that says “April fools!”

You read that the author who developed your current diet just died of malnutrition.

You wake up to discover that your carpet and wallpaper has been replaced by tufted upholstery and iron bars.

The morning news reveals that your home wasn’t built on a toxic waste site…because they can’t store toxic waste on a native burial ground.

You’re being laid off to make room for the new person you just finished training.

The morning newspaper feels oily and your kippers taste like ink.

Your breakfast cereal makes its own gravy.

You sleep in and dream of being a private eye…the “gorgeous blonde with the problem” turns out to be Lassie.

You brush your teeth with Ben-Gay.

Your clothes smell like baby shampoo and your hair is remarkably free from static cling.

The company’s monthly report shows that production rose at a record rate during the only vacation you’ve had in ten years.

You receive a letter notifying you that your health insurance is cancelled. The paper cut you get opening the envelope requires 20 stitches and three pints of blood.

Your name appears on the company’s vacation schedule for all 52 weeks.

Your winning entry in the American Family Sweepstakes is invalid because you can’t prove your name is “Occupant”.

There’s a pink slip on your desk in the morning…and you’re self-employed.

Your burly cab driver starts telling you how he “dealt with” the last person who stiffed him and you realize you forgot your wallet.

You’ve driven halfway to work before you realize you don’t own a car.

Your skirt feels a little tight as you get on the subway - and suddenly you remember that your name is Roy.

You look out the window and notice the sun rising in the west.

You kiss your wife on the way out the door and realize she really needs a shave.

The humane society repossesses your dog.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold

You get to work and find a 60 minutes news team waiting in your office

You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind thirty-two Hell’s Angels.

Your four-year-old tells you that it’s almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

You realized that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

Your husband says “good morning Mary”…and your name is Sharon.

You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight…and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.

Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.

You compliment the boss on her unusual perfume and she isn’t wearing any.

People think you are 40 and you really are.

You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and they aren’t there.

You wake up to discover your waterbed has broken, then remember you don’t have a waterbed.

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

Your income tax refund cheque bounces.

Your wife says, “Good morning, Bill” and your name is George.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.