joke shop

(this joke is written and told by a true COON-ASS so if you can spoke like a true CAJUN you guna like dis one real good.

(DONT WORRY ABOUT THE SPELLING!!!)

ONE TIME, FATHER THIBODEAUX WAS JUST ABOUT TO GIVE HIS TALK AT HIS CHURCH. HIS CHURCH IS USUALLY FULL, HOWEVER, DIS TIME, THERE WAS ONLY TWO OLD WOMEN IN THE PEWS.

FATHER THIBODEAUX TOLD THE TWO OLD LADIES TO HOLD ON, HE WAS COMING RIGHT BACK.

FATHER THIBODEAUX WENT TO THE BACK OF THE CHURCH AND LOOKED DOWN DE STREET AND HE NOTICE THAT AT BOUDREAUX’S HOUSE, DERE WAS CARS ON HIS LOT AND ALL AROUND HIS HOUSE. ALL DE WINDOWS WAS CLOSED AND THE SHADES WERE DOWN AND DERE WAS NO LIGHTS ON IN DE HOUSE.

FATHER THIBODEAUX WENT TO BOUDREAUX’S HOUSE AND KNOCKED ON DE DOOR. BOUDREAUX CAME TO DE DOOR. FATHER THIBODEAUX NOTICED THAT BOUDREAUX AIN’T GOT NO CLOSE ON AT ALL AND ALL DE LITES IN THE HOUSE WAS OFF. BOUDREAUX TOLD FATHER THIBODEAUX TO COME IN AND JOIN THE PARTY. FATHER THIBODEAUX HEARS ALL DE NOISE AND SEES ALL DE PEOPLE IN DE HOUSE AND DEY AIN’T GOT NO CLOTHES ON AT ALL.

FATHER THIBODEAUX AX BOUDREAUX WHAT WAS GOING ON IN DERE.

BOUDREAUX SAID “WE HAVIN’ A PARTY.”

FATHER THIBODEAUX SAID “WHAT KINDA PARTY YALL HAVIN WIT NO CLOTHES ON?”

BOUDREAUX SAID “WE HAVIN A ‘FEEL AND GUESS’ PARTY. WHY DON’T YOU JOIN US?”

FATHER THIBODEAUX SAID “WHAT YALL DOIN AT DIS PARTY?”

“WELL”, BOUDREAUX SAID, “WE ALL TAKE OFF OUR CLOTHES AND TURN OUT ALL DE LIGHTS IN DE HOUSE AND WALK AROUND DE LIVIN ROOM AND FEEL EACH OTHER UP AND DEN WE TRY TO GUESS WHO WE FEELING. COME ON IN AND JOIN THE PARTY!”

FATHER THIBODEAUX SAID, “OH, NO. I CAN’T DO DAT, I’M DE HEAD OF THE PARISH HERE AND DE BISHOP WOULD FIRE ME FAST.”

BOUDREAUX SAID, “YOU MIGHT AS WELL, FATHER, YOUR NAME BEEN GUESSED AT FOUR TIMES ALREADY!”

A police officer pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. He walked up to the car door and said, “Sir, May I see your driver’s license and registration please?”

The driver said, “What’s the problem, officer?”

“Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.”

“Oh, come on pal, there wasn’t a car within miles of me!”

“Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.”

“You gotta be kidding me!”

“It’s no joke, sir”.

“Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution.”

“That’s beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn’t. Now if I may see your license and…”

“You’ve got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What’s the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?”

“Sir, I’ll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!”

“I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop.”

The police officer had enough and said to the driver, “Sir, I can do better than that.” He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

“Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?”

102 REASONS IT’S GREAT TO BE A GUY.
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Nite Football.
6. You don’t have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don’t have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.
16. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why ‘Con-Air’ and ‘Stripes’ are funny.
18. You can go to the toilet with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticised, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humour in ‘Terms of Endearment’.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
36. You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you’re 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president. (In this lifetime)
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 98% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything, like ‘Wow do my balls hurt’, and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don’t give a rat’s ass if anyone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking “He must be mad at me”.
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too gross.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work….more pay.
70. Grey hair and lines add character.
71. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $3000; Tuxedo rental $100.
73. You don’t care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth’s population in 15 tries, in theory.
75. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
76. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
79. ESPN’s Sports Center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties kick ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn’t pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the toilet.
85. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your friends “you’ve changed”.
86. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
87. There is always a game on somewhere.
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di’s death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn’t work, you can smash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: “So… notice anything different?”
99. Baywatch
100. Hot wax never comes near your pubic areas.
101. You think a good fart is funny.
102. You can rationalise any behaviour with the handy phrase “Fuck it!”

Parents are embarrassing, Take my dad. Every time a friend comes to stay the night, he does something that makes my face go red.

Now don’t get me wrong. He is a terrific dad. I love him but sometimes I think he will never grow up. He loves playing practical jokes.

This behavior first started one night when Anna came to sleep over. Unknown to me, dad sneaks into my room and puts Doona, our cat, on the spare bed. Doona loves sleeping on beds. What cat doesn’t? Next dad unwraps a little package that he has bought at the magic shop. Do you know what is in it? Can you believe this? It is a little piece of brown plastic cat poo. Pretend cat poo. He puts this piece of cat poo on Anna’s pillow and pulls up the blankets. Then he tiptoes out and closes the door.

I do not know any of this is happening. Annna and I are sitting up late watching videos. We eat chips covered in sauce and drink two whole bottles of Diet Coke. Finally we decide to go to bed. Anna takes ages and ages cleaning her teeth. She is one of those kids who is into health. She has a thing about germs. She always places paper on the toilet seat before she sits down. She is So clean.

She puts on her tracksuit bottoms and gets ready for bed. Then she pulls back the blankets. Suddenly she sees the bit of cat’s poo. “Ooh, ooh, ooh,” she screams. “Oh, look, disgusting. Foul. Look what the cat’s done on my pillow.” Suddenly dad bursts into the room. “What’s up, girls?” he says with a silly grin on his face. “What’s all the fuss about?”

Anna is pulling a terrible face. “Look,” she says in horror as she points to the pillow.

Dad goes and examines the plastic poo. “Don’t let a little thing like that worry you,” he says. He picks up the plastic poo and pops it into his mouth. He gives a grin. “D’licioush,” he says through closed lips.

“Aargh,” screams Anna. She rushes over to the window and throws up chips, sauce, and Diet Coke. Then she looks at dad in disgust.

Dad is a bit taken aback at Anna being sick. “It’s okay,” he says, taking the plastic poo out of his mouth. “It’s not real.” Dad gives a laugh and off he goes. And off goes Anna. She decides that she wants to go home to her own house. And I don’t blame her.

“Dad,” I yell after Anna is gone. “I am never speaking to you again.” “Don’t be such a baby,” he says. “It’s only a little joke.” It’s always the same. Whenever a friend comes over to stay, dad plays practical jokes. We have fake hands in the trash, exploding drinks, pepper in the food, short-sheeted beds, and Dracula’s blood seeping out of dad’s mouth. Some of the kids think its great. They wish their dads were like mine. But I hate it. I just wish he were normal. He plays trick on Bianca. And Yasmin. And Nga. And Karla. None of them go home like Anna. But each time I am so embarrassed.

And now I am worried. Cynthia is coming to stay. She is the school captain. She is beautiful. She is smart. Everyone wants to be her friend. And now she is sleeping over at our house. “Dad,” I say. “No practical jokes. Cynthia is very mature. Her father would never play practical jokes. She might not understand.” “No worries,” says dad.

Cynthia arrives, but we do not watch videos. We slave away on our English homework. We plan our speeches for the debate in the morning. We go over our parts in the school play. After all that, we go out and practice shooting baskets, because Cynthia is captain of the basketball team. Every now and then I pop into the bedroom to check for practical jokes. It is best to be on the safe side. We also do the dishes because Cynthia offers–yes–offers to do it.

Finally it is time for bed. Cynthia changes into her nightie in the bathroom and then joins me in the bedroom. “The cat’s on my bed,” she says. “But it doesn’t matter. I like cats.” She pulls back the blankets. And screams. “Aagh. Cat poo. Filthy cat poo on my pillow.” She yells and yells and yells. Just then dad bursts into the room with a silly grin on his face. He goes over and looks at the brown object on the pillow. He picks it up and pops it into his mouth. But this time he does not give a grin. His face freezes over. “Are you looking for this?” I say. I hold up a bit of plastic poo that Dad had hidden under the blankets earlier that night. Dad looks at the cat. Then he rushes over to the window and is sick. Cynthia and I laugh like mad. We do love a good joke.

“I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb…. and I also know that I’m not blonde.”
-Dolly Parton-

“You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.”
-Erica Jong-

“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.”
-Rita Rudner-

“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”
-Rita Rudner-

“I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.”
-Wendy Liebman-

“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”
-Erma Bombeck-

“If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.”
-Sue Grafton-

“I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.”
-Roseanne Barr-

“I think, therefore I’m single.”
-Lizz Winstead-

“When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.”
-Elayne Boosler-

“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”
-Maryon Pearson-

“I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.”
-Gilda Radner-

“In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.”
-Margaret Thatcher-

“I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.”
-Gloria Steinem-

“Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.”
-Gloria Steinem-

“I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.”
-Marie Corelli-

“Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.”
-Baroness Edith-Summerskill

“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it, to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?”
-Linda Ellerbee-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man. I keep his house.”
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your Permission.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt-