man arm

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be

Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds - I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paper boy - come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man - come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot–
Sniff this and weep

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle

I hate my choke chain
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot — no greater bliss — well,
Maybe catching rats

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do

The cat is not all
Bad — she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls

Dig under fence — why?
Because it’s there. Because it’s
There. Because it’s there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

My owners’ mood is
Romantic - I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

KEN STARR: I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president’s ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation.
Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook-and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define ‘chicken’ please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

A blonde dyed her hair jet black so that people would think she was smarter.

It seemed to work. People treated her with more respect, and she even felt smarter.

To celebrate, she took a drive in the country. She spotted a field full of sheep, and got out to take a look. She found the farmer and said, ” These things are so cute, and soft. What are they?”

“Uh, they’re sheep, miss,” he replied.

“If I can tell you how many sheep are in this field, can I have one?” she asked.

“OK,” replied the farmer.
Feeling very smart, she looked around the field and proclaimed, “347.”

“Exactly,” exclaimed the farmer. “Help yourself.”

She picked up an animal she liked and was walking back to her car when the farmer said, “Miss, if I can tell you what color your hair used to be, can I have my dog back?”

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He thinks that the one thing he never did was to teach these natives how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and tells the chief, “This is a tree.”

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.”

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.”

At which the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.”

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, “Riding a bike.”

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells in the tribal language, “I have spent years teaching your tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other! How could you kill these people?!”

The chief replied, “My bike.”

Two smart men (Portuguese) were walking in a farm. One of them saw a “cake” just made by a cow. He said to the other:
“I’ll give you $1000 if you eat some of this.”

The other agreed, ate some and got the money.

After this the man who lost money realised that he could not lose so much money and said: “For such amount I would do the same.”

The man who got the money said: “I don’t believe.”

The first rapidly eats some and got his money back.

After some hours, the first one said to the other:”My friend, do you know that we ate shit for free?”