man arm

You receive a $300 bill from your tree surgeon and you live in an apartment.

The plumber tells you it would be cheaper to install a diving board than to drain the cellar.

You bear a striking resemblance to this week’s prime suspect on America’s Most Wanted.

The Dialing for Dollars host quizzes you about the only John Wayne film you haven’t seen.

Your heart medication has been replaced with sugar pills and a note that says “April fools!”

You read that the author who developed your current diet just died of malnutrition.

You wake up to discover that your carpet and wallpaper has been replaced by tufted upholstery and iron bars.

The morning news reveals that your home wasn’t built on a toxic waste site…because they can’t store toxic waste on a native burial ground.

You’re being laid off to make room for the new person you just finished training.

The morning newspaper feels oily and your kippers taste like ink.

Your breakfast cereal makes its own gravy.

You sleep in and dream of being a private eye…the “gorgeous blonde with the problem” turns out to be Lassie.

You brush your teeth with Ben-Gay.

Your clothes smell like baby shampoo and your hair is remarkably free from static cling.

The company’s monthly report shows that production rose at a record rate during the only vacation you’ve had in ten years.

You receive a letter notifying you that your health insurance is cancelled. The paper cut you get opening the envelope requires 20 stitches and three pints of blood.

Your name appears on the company’s vacation schedule for all 52 weeks.

Your winning entry in the American Family Sweepstakes is invalid because you can’t prove your name is “Occupant”.

There’s a pink slip on your desk in the morning…and you’re self-employed.

Your burly cab driver starts telling you how he “dealt with” the last person who stiffed him and you realize you forgot your wallet.

You’ve driven halfway to work before you realize you don’t own a car.

Your skirt feels a little tight as you get on the subway - and suddenly you remember that your name is Roy.

You look out the window and notice the sun rising in the west.

You kiss your wife on the way out the door and realize she really needs a shave.

The humane society repossesses your dog.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold

You get to work and find a 60 minutes news team waiting in your office

You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind thirty-two Hell’s Angels.

Your four-year-old tells you that it’s almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

You realized that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

Your husband says “good morning Mary”…and your name is Sharon.

You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight…and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.

Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.

You compliment the boss on her unusual perfume and she isn’t wearing any.

People think you are 40 and you really are.

You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and they aren’t there.

You wake up to discover your waterbed has broken, then remember you don’t have a waterbed.

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

Your income tax refund cheque bounces.

Your wife says, “Good morning, Bill” and your name is George.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

A blonde Texas city girl married a rancher. One morning on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to his new bride, “The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnant one of our cows today. I drove a nail in the two-by-four just above the cows stall in the barn. When he gets here, pease show him where the cow is ok.” The rancher leaves for the fields.
The artificial insemination man shows up and the blonde bride shows him the stall where the cow is. Impressed that she isn’t just another ditzy blonde, the man askes her, “How did you know this is the cow to be bred?” “Easy! by the nail above its stall.” “What’s the nail for?” “I think to hang your pants on”

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. “Are you the landlord?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no” he replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the barman - clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers
into his mouth and allowing him to lick them, gently.

“Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room.”

Share your knowledge of these “world records” with your friends, relatives and associates during dinner:

MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July, 1991.

LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina. (This isn’t all that amazing, when you consider that most vaginal canals will stretch to accommodate the birth of a baby.)

ZIT POPPING
In July, 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7 ft 1 inch.

WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm, very-recently-attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with an UNUSED tampon instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a “Cunt Pump”.

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a “substantial” amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4 in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or “muzzle velocity,” at 42.7 mph.

LONGEST TURD
The longest “dump” ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a “staggering turd” over a period of 2 hr 12 mins, which was officially measured at 12 ft 2 in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state. (Note that this person’s name & state are not mentioned.)

MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.