man arm

Jeffery was a maintenance man for a big-time broadway production company. He was the guy who went around sweeping the floors after hours.

One day, though, Jeffery was approached by one of the big time directors, a man dressed all in black, with a megaphone hung limply in his left arm. “Jeffery,” he said, “I have some news for you. We’re putting on a gigantic production about the Civil War tomorrow. One of my men came down with the flu today, though. This puts me short one man. How would you like the part?”

Jeffery’s eyes lit up like Christmas bulbs. “Wow! Really, Mr. Director, sir? Ya mean it. Oh my gosh, my Daddy’s gonna be so proud of me.. What do I have to do?”

“All you have to do is be here tomorrow at eleven o’clock to get dressed, and run out onstage and
yell, ‘Hark, I hear the cannon’s roar.’ Can you do that, Jeffery?”

Jeffery nearly dropped his broom. “Yes sir, Mr. Director. I can do that alright. Hark, i hear the cannon’s roar! Was that good, Mr. Director?”

“You’re a natural, Jeffery. Now get on home, you’ve got to rest. Don’t be late tomorrow. Remember, eleven, o’clock.”

Jeffery hailed a cab from the sidewalk outside. He could hardly wait to tell his father of his big break.
He was so excited he even told the cab driver.
“Mr. Cab driver, Guess what! I got my big break in the Civil War Play tomorrow! I get to say, ‘Hark, i hear the cannon’s roar!’ Isn’t that great?”

“I’ll say, kid,” the cab driver said. “But you know what? A cannon is a big deal. I think you should say it with more emphasis. Like this, ‘Hark, i hear the CANNON’s roar.’ Get what I’m saying?”

“Yeah, I see what you mean. Let me try… Hark, i hear the CANNON’s roar! That’s much better Mr. Cab driver. Thanks alot. I’ll say it that way tomorrow.”

Jeffery was let out at his home, and he ran in to tell his father and see how proud he was.

“Guess what Daddy! I Got my first ever part in a real show! I have to go out there on stage tomorrow and say, Hark, i hear the CANNON’s roar!”

“That’s terriffic Jeffery, but you know what’s even better? This is your big break, right? So I think you should emphasise on yourself more than that silly old cannon. Say it more like, ‘Hark, III hear the cannon’s roar.”

“You’re right, too, Daddy. Let me try that. Hark, III hear the cannon’s roar! Yes, that feels a lot better. I’ll say that tomorrow. Thanks Daddy. Now I’m going to get some rest like Mr. Director told me to.”

The next morning, Jeffery was horrified to find he had overslept. The alarm clock on his bedstand said it was already ten forty-five. He only had fifteen minutes to get across town to change into costume and say his line!

He called the cab frantically, and when it arrived, shouted instructions to the theatre.

He got through the backstage door only sixteen seconds before eleven, and his mind was racing. There would be no time to change now.

The Director saw Jeffery and grabbed him by the sleeves. Before Jeffery was able to react, the director had thrown him onstage with only a simple “Say your line, Jeffery!” for instructions.

Just as Jeffery stumbled to a stop, a terrific, thundering KA-BOOOM echoed through the theater. Jeffery felt it throughout his body.

As the audience eyed him expectantly, Jeffery looked all around and exclaimed, “What the hell was that ?!?”

As a professional clown, John entertains groups at parties and company picnics. Once, an inebriated guest began heckling him in the middle of a performance, disrupting his act. Trying to ignore him wasn’t working, so he used a different tactic.

Slipping his arm around his shoulder, John looked him in the eye and said, “Mister, I get paid to dress up and make a fool of myself–what’s your excuse?

He said not another word!

This was on The Tonight Show September 7, 1999

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The following won.

She said it was snowing and cold and the guy took her skiing. It was just a day trip. They had never been out together before.

The day went OK until they were coming back that afternoon. They were driving home and she suddenly had to pee urgently, but still at least an hour away from civilization. She asked him to stop at a gas station, which he tried to find for an hour without success. She finally asked him to stop the car so she could squat beside the road.

They stopped, and she went out, pulled down her ski pants and began to pee. She was on snow, so her footing was insecure. She leaned back against the rear fender for support. Her date was very much a gentleman, and looked the other way.

She finished peeing but suddenly realized her warm butt had stuck to the fender. She was trying to address the problem when her date rolled down the window and, trying not to look, asked if everything was OK.

Mortified, she had to tell him what had happened and asked for his help. He came around to her side of the car and, suppressing laughter, assessed the problem. After a brief discussion, they agreed they needed something like warm coffee to free her butt from the fender. As the thermos was empty, they reluctantly hit upon the same solution.

While she looked away, he unzipped his pants, aimed strategically, and peed her frozen butt from the fender.

Neither said another word for the rest of the ride home.

After 40 years, Mother finally got her citizenship papers and proudly registered to vote. Well, Mother received a notice to report for jury duty; and, to our surprise, was not only selected for a jury, but was elected the foreman.

It was a criminal case. A husband had shot his wife’s lover, but only grazed his arm. The jury was out for over four hours before returning. Everyone waited with bated breath, as the judge asked my mother whether the jury had reached a verdict.

Mother stood up, and firmly replied, “We have, Your Honor. We decided not to butt in . . . .”

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? (Jared: what do you think?)

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, “The whole time.”

So what’s the speed of dark?

How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Why are there 5 syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the opposite of progress?

Why does lemon juice contain mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?