man arm

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

2. It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

4. A man was complaining to a friend: “I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; Then, Pow! it was all gone!” “What happened?” asked the friend. “My wife found out…”

5. Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!” Martha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?” The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”

8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful!

9. I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months–I don’t like to interrupt her.

10. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

11. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose which to save, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

12. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished

“It’s happened,” cried the bishop in anguish as he sat playing bridge one evening with some charming people.

“What’s happened?” asked the young woman next to him.

“A stroke! My left side is paralyzed.”

“Are you sure?” asked the young lady.

“Yes, yes,” groaned the bishop. “I’ve been pinching my left leg for the past few minutes and feel no sensation whatsoever.”

“Relax,” said the young lady. “That was MY leg you were pinching!”

The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County GA:

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self, evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a “Bill of No Rights”.

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in health care.

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You don’t have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive

governments and won’t lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you’d like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE lX: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect

you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying: “DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!” posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

A cowboy was riding the range and as he rounded a bend in the road, his horse balked at a huge rattlesnake in the road. As he drew his colt and was ready to shoot, the snake yelled, “Stop..I am a charmed snake and if you don’t shoot me I’ll grant you three wishes.”

Somewhat shaken, he holstered his revolver and said, “OK, let’s see what you can do”. The cowboy said, “I’ve been working really hard all my life, so I’d like to have enough money so I wouldn’t have to be in the saddle all the time”.

The snake replied, “OK, tomorrow when you get up, it’ll be done. What’s the 2nd?”

The cowboy said, “I’m not the most handsome guy and would like to look like a great movie star so I could get some greatlooking dates.”

The snake replied, “OK, 2nd wish granted when you get up in the morning.”

“Now for the third”, the cowboy went on,”my sexual hardware isn’t all that big, so I wish to be built like my trusty horse.”

The snake replied, “Sure ..same as the rest..tomorrow morning everything will be as you wish”.

The cowboy rode home, cleaned up and went to bed. Next morning he got up and there was a stack of money on his nightstand. His dresser drawers were full of cash. He was so happy, he ran to the mirror and saw a really handsome reflection. “Man, this is just too fantastic!” he exclaimed. He then dropped his shorts to check his new super size hardware..and screamed,
“Omygod!! I forgot I was riding Nellie yesterday!!!”