man arm

In school, Little Johnny was told by his classmate that every adult had a dark deep secret and it was easy to blackmail them by just saying, “I know the whole truth.” So, when Little Johnny got home after school, he went straight to his mother and told her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother turned pale and gave Little Johnny $20.00 telling him not to tell his father. Pleased with his new caper, Little Johnny waited for his father to come home from work. When his father came home, Little Johnny told him, “I know the whole truth.” His father quickly took $50.00 from his wallet and gave this to Little Johnny telling him not to tell his mother. Little Johnny was doubly pleased.

The next day, as Little Johnny was leaving for school, he saw the mailman stuffing letters into the mailbox. He then approached the mailman and told him, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman dropped his mailbag, became teary-eyed, opened his arms and said, “Come give your DADDY a big hug, my son!”

You know those “special offers” that “you would be CRAZY to turn down”? Here’s how you might wish to respond to them:
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To Whom It May Concern:

Thank you for your recent e-mail to me. It was good hearing from you and reading your advertisement/offer.

As information, I am a reasonably healthy male, over 40 years of age.

If you sent me the ad/offer regarding how I may “enlarge my breasts,” I think I’ll pass, if you don’t mind. (And even if you DO.) They are sufficiently large enough that I have no trouble at all, attracting members of the opposite sex. If they get BIGGER, I imagine I would be able to attract members of my OWN sex.

If you sent me the ad/offer regarding how I may “enlarge my penis,” please be advised that I don’t desire one large enough to have “Louisville Slugger” emblazoned onto it. Studies have shown that women tend to RUN AWAY from the truly “gigantic” ones; the only gals who would bed porno actor John Holmes (1944-88) had to be paid LOTS of money to do so, and with the exception of my first marriage, I’ve never had to pay for sex. I’ve only had “toupee” for a hairpiece. (Get it?)

If you sent me the ad/offer telling me that I can make/earn $50,000 in the NEXT 90 days, without doing ANYTHING (except sending YOU $85), then please send me a CERTIFIED COPY of your own personal bank balance records to PROVE that YOU have already done so.

No offense to YOU at all, but if you are going to show ME how to “become a millionaire,” you must first prove to me that YOU are one, with proof that can be independently verified.

I once sent a guy $69 (plus “shipping & handling” fees) after he told me that I could “make $50,000 in one week”. What did I get for my $69? A portable printing press, three bottles of green ink and 12 reams of paper. SOME of the resulting bills worked in the dollar bill changer; most didn’t. But on the “plus” side, I got to meet three of the nicest Treasury Agents one could encounter, and the meals in the federal “holding tanks” aren’t really all that bad.

Actually, I already had a friend who is a multi-millionaire. When I asked him the “secret” of his success, he looked at me and said, “If I told you, it would no longer BE a ’secret’. Millionaires enjoy the special treatment they receive, only as long as their numbers are SMALL. As our ‘group’ increases in size, our ‘uniqueness’ disappears and our perks shrink. I will do NOTHING to jeopardize our perks.” (I responded by “ratting him out” to the IRS.)

If you sent me the ad/offer telling me how I can “find out anything about anyone,” I think I’ll pass. I paid lot$ of buck$ for a similar kit several years ago, and I still don’t know if Richard Simmons and Tom Cruise are lovers, nor if O. J. Simpson really murdered those two people. Neither does “The National Enquirer”. Perhaps you could sell your “information kit” to THAT publication, so they could find out the answer to those (and other) questions. After all, “Enquiring minds want to know!” (©2001, The National Enquirer)

If you sent me that “chain letter” about 5 cents being donated “to a little girl of 3, with no arms, legs or head, who currently lives in the wilds of Appalachia,” for everyone “to whom you forward this e-mail,” forget it. That “little girl” is no longer 3 years old. She found a doctor who miraculously reattached her head, arms and legs, and I know this for a FACT, because I had a telephone conversation with her, just yesterday afternoon. (It only cost me $3.99/minute. I paid for it with some of those leftover $$$$ I made on that printing press I still have.)

If you sent me that ad/offer about “HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS, INSTANTLY!,” I already know about it, and I’ll pass. A buddy of mine ordered it, and the “book” (actually, a one-page brochure) read, “Grasp the girl around her waist with your left arm and have her lean backwards. As she does so, place your right arm underneath her thighs and lift upwards. You have just PICKED HER UP and can can now carry her toward your bedroom.”

If you sent me that ad/offer about joining your “hot” porno site, forget it. A friend of mine owns a nudist resort in Florida. About 3 years ago, he and I placed hidden surveillance cameras in all of the rental cottages at the resort, then rigged up low-wattage transmitters on the roofs of those buildings, which send a signal to the guy’s office, where he has 12 VCRs running continuously. As a result, I currently own 687 videotapes of couples having sex, in every combination/position imaginable, and I didn’t have to pay the “performers” one nickel.

If you sent me that ad/offer about “low-cost life insurance,” forget it. I’m gonna do exactly what that guy did in Jersey. He bought a HUGE life insurance policy on himself, with his wife as the beneficiary. He made payments on the policy for only 90 days, before he was murdered. His wife got over ONE MILLION $$$. What his wife didn’t know, was that he had “put out a ‘contract’” on himself. His will specified that $100K of his life insurance go to the hitman, to “repay a personal loan.” So, when my life is over and my time is up, I’ll do the same thing and save all those life insurance premium payments. (You’ll know that I am getting ready to do this, because I’ll first move to Jersey.)

If you sent me that ad/offer about getting “hot stock tips,” forget it. I already received the BEST possible advice on the stock market and investing, from the late-great Will Rogers (1879-1935), who said, “Don’t gamble! Take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it ’til it goes up, then sell it. If it don’t go up, don’t buy it!” (The reason your stock salesman is called a “BROKER,” is because after you are done dealing with him, you are BROKER than you were, before you met him!)

Lastly, if you sent me the ad/offer regarding the “SOLAR-POWERED CLOTHES DRYER,” please be advised that I already have one and it, surprisingly, works PERFECTLY, and exactly as advertised. It only cost me $50 (plus $5 for “shipping & handling”). I’m amazed that I can now dry my clothes without using any electricity at all. I just put up the rope that I received and attach my wet clothes to the rope with the wooden clothespins that were included with the rope. Then, WITH SOLAR POWER ALONE, my clothes are somehow DRIED, and I don’t have to do anything else at all. It is the ONLY time in my life that I received something exactly as described, via the Internet.

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings…they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

7. Plagiarism saves time.

8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

10. TEAMWORK… means never having to take all the blame yourself.

11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

13. We waste time, so you don’t have to.

14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

19. Succeed in spite of management.

20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

It’s your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely.

He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him–he’s done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.

You begin to plead and beg with him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. Your eyes are now filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.

He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle that you have been his most stubborn yet rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled!

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn’t believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn’t take it any more since he hadn’t caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?”

The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”

“What was that?” the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”

“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you are saying.”

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!”