man arm

“Doc,” said the young many, lying down on the couch, “You’ve got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I’m lying in bed when, all of a sudden, five beautiful women rush in and start tearing off my clothes.”

The psychiatrist nods, “And what do you do?”

“I push them away.”

“I see. Well, what do you want ME to do?”

The patient implored, “Break my arms.”

An old woman goes into a biker bar. She demands to talk to the leader. A tough-looking bearded biker stands up. “I wanna join your gang!” she says.

The biker thinks for a second. “Do you have any tatoos?” he asks.

“Sure,” as she bares her arm.

“Hmmm, do you have a leather jacket?”

“Out on my hog,” she says.

“Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

“No, but I’ve been swung around the room by my tits!”

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy on cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, “My hands are freezing cold.”

The mother replied, “Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up.” So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said “My hands are freezing cold.”

The daughter replied, “Put them between my legs, they’ll warm up.”

The next day, the boyfriend was again riding in the buggy with the daughter. He said, “My nose is freezing cold.”

The daughter replied, “Put it between my legs. It will warm up.” He did and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, “My penis is frozen solid…”

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother and she said to her mother. “Have you ever heard of a penis?”

The slightly concerned mother said, “Sure, why do you ask?

The daughter replied, “Well, they make one heck of a mess when they defrost.”

I, the undersigned, a male proposing marriage agree that…

Section 1. In the likely event of my not giving you an orgasm, will keep on going, despite my lack of stamina and size until you have been satisfied.

Section 1.01. I’ll behave myself in a mature manner and fight the temptation to scream “Who’s your daddy” and grunt like a sea lion.

Section 1.02. I will never complain about too much foreplay.

Section 2. I fully understand that a man’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when your cut yourself shaving, wreck the new car or start a fire in the kitchen, I agree that – by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to the male species – it WILL be my fault…even if I wasn’t there.

Section 3. I will NEVER invite my friends over for a ‘guy’s night out’, I will tell them that you are the only one for me and you are all I need for fun, football and beer are not exceptions.

Section 3.01. I shall never mention our sex life in the workplace, to your friends or mine unless it in some way fully compliments you.

Section 3.02. I will shower frequently, scrubbing every inch with the strongest soap known to mankind.

Section 4. After making love (which I will never refer to as sex, hanky panky, wild thing, or any other vulgar screwed up terminology) I promise to cuddle with you, despite how dead my arm will become, and I swear not to practice the hug and roll technique as demonstrated by Ross on friends.

Section 4.01. I promise to call my member all the cute nicknames you make up for it.

Section 5. In bed, I will be slow and gentle. I will never press you to try stupid positions, fall asleep, or roll on top of you, pump away for a whole five minutes and wheeze like an old man with emphysema.

Section 5.01. I will never make a suggestion having anything to do with any type of lesbianism or bisexualism. In fact, the word “Lesbian” will never leave my mouth, or be in my pea –sized, one-track brain.

Section 5.02. I promise to work out at the gym at least 2 hrs a day in order to keep my gut from hanging over my pants.

Section 5.03. I promise never to compare you to other women, whether in my mind or out loud, even when your breasts are to your knees.

Section 5.04. I promise not to whine when your legs have gnarly forest hairs sprouting from them, or use the term “Buckwheat in a Headlock.” I will also shave my beard in order to prevent any discomfort to you.

Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends, relatives or colleagues. Or anyone you have met or will one day meet. IF, and I say this loosely IF, a woman attempts to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other women.”

Section 6.01. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games and electrical appliances are beyond the comprehension of men and will only take them to a ‘trained’ specialist for repair. The only exceptions are sports equipment, tools, garbage disposal and other objects that are mine and I am permitted to ruin.

Being of sound mind and body (with the exception of my beer gut), I, enter this relationship contract.

Signed _____________________________________ applicant (that’s you stupid)

Each morning, a self-righteous, nosy cab driver would drive a man to his place of employment and would later return to drive the man’s wife to her place of employment…a brothel.

During a conversation one morning with the man, the nosy cab driver smugly stated, “I don’t mean to be prying, but did you know that each morning after dropping you off at work, I return and take your wife and drop her off at a brothel where she works?”

“That is impossible!” The man replied alarmingly. “My wife stays home while I am at work.”

“You are being deceived, sir,” the cab driver taunted. “As a special favor to you, after I drop your wife off today, I will return to pick you up, then take you to this place.”

Both men agreed and after dropping the man’s wife off at the brothel, he then picked up the man and drove back.

“I do not wish to enter such a place,” began the man. “I will gladly compensate you if you would go in and retrieve my wife.”

Anxious to prove his point, the cab driver rushed from the car into the brothel. A few minutes later, he stepped out of the brothel pulling and scuffling with a woman. The man stared out the window confused as he realized that this woman in fact was not his wife.

The cab driver pulled the woman to the car and pushed her inside.

“Sir, I must inform you, that this woman is not my wife,” replied the man.

“I know,” answered the cab driver as he turned back towards the brothel. “I’m going back in after yours, that one’s mine!”