man arm

1. Hey baby, why don’t you sit on my lap, and we’ll talk about the first thing that POPS up!!!
2. (motion for girl to come here with one finger), “If I can make you come with this finger, imagine what I could do with all five!”
3. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
4.If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
5. Fuck me if I’m wrong….but haven’t we met before?
6. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
7. I wanna use your thighs as earmuffs.
8. Are those real?
9. I may not be Fred Flintstone but I sure can make your bed rock.
10.(offer guy/girl a screw) wanna screw?
11. Ya know, that shirt is very becoming on you……of course, if I was on you, I’d be cumming too.
12. The word of the day is LEGS, so let’s go to my house and spread the word.
13. The only place I want to go is south of the border.
14. Hey you want to know what I heard about you? Fuck me and I’ll tell you.
15.Why don’t you come over and we can do math in the bed; add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and I’ll multiply.
16. What’s a nice girl like you doing on a face like this?
17. Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
18. Mmmmmmm, you bring new meaning to the word “edible”
19. So, do you want to see something really swell?
20. Excuse me but is your last name “Gillette”……cause
you are the best a man can get!
21. Hey baby…..can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?
22. My shirt’s chaffing me…..
23. Excuse me miss, do you give head to strangers? (No) Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
24. They call me Milk, because I do your body good.
25. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
26. Hey baby, wanna wrestle.
27. Hi, do you want to have children? (assuming the answer is no) Ok then, can we just practice?
28. You must be the limp doctor because I’ve got a stiffy.
29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
30. They say the best things in life are free…. they lied, but I do accept American Express
31. This Valentines Day, I really want you to know how I feel…..So you better use both hands.
32. You can feel the magic between us……No, lower!
33. You’re on my mind this Valentine’s Day…..I’d prefer you on my bed.
34. This Valentine’s Day I want you to know that I’m head-over-heels for you….and I know some other positions too.
35. I’d walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
36. You have 250 bones in your body, want another?
37. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
38. Hey baby, can I tickle your belly from the inside?
39. Wanna play army? I’ll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
40. Girl, if you were a porch I’d take out all the nails and screw ya.
41. Yo baby, I bust more nuts than a squirrel.

ORIGINAL List (Before she’s 40 years old)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

REVISED List (When she’s 40 years old and beyond)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn’t nod off while she’s emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends

Little Johnny’s mother took her 6-year-old son with her to the bank.

They were in line behind a rather obese lady. As the mother patiently waited, Little Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, “Hey, Mom, she’s really fat.”

The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Little’ Johnny received a reprimand.

After a minute or two, Little Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, “I bet her butt is ‘that’ wide.”

At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.

Again after a couple of minutes Little Johnny stated loudly, “Look how the fat hangs over her belt.”

The lady turned and told Johnny’s mother to control her child and his mother threatened him with severe bodily harm.
The lady’s pager begins to go off.

Lil’ Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, “Run for your life, she’s backing up”

One day Tarzan got into a bloody fight with a lion. Although he killed the lion Tarzan lost an eye, his right arm, and his genitals. Jane quickly took him to the friendly witch doctor to see if he could save the Lord of the Jungle. The witch doctor had no human parts to replace those missing so, he improvised. He carefully sewed the eye of an eagle into Tarzan’s skull, the arm of a female gorilla into his shoulder socket and, not having any male animal genitals, he sewed the trunk of a baby elephant between Tarzan’s legs.

Six weeks later Tarzan swings into the witch doctor’s office looking fit as a fiddle.

“Tarzan, you look marvelous”, exclaimed the witch doctor. “How are things working for you?”

“Well Doc, with this eye I can be in the tallest tree of the jungle, yet I can see the smallest ant on the jungle floor. With this arm I can swing through the trees all day long and never get tired!”

“Yes, yes and what about the, um well um, you know”, asked the doctor?

“Well Doc, Jane really likes it a lot and so would I, if it would just quit picking up peanuts and shoving them up my ass!”

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer:
Warning: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, but that’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(Good suggestion.)

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(duuuhhhhh)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on bottom of the box:)
Warning: Do not turn upside down.
(Too late. You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Warning: Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let’s experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Warning: Do not iron clothes on body.
(Whose body?)

On Boot’s Children’s cough medicine:
Warning: Do not drive car or operate heavy machinery while taking this product.

(Boy, we could do a lot to reduce construction accidents if we could just keep those 5 year olds off the fork lifts!)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
(One would hope.)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
(…or pets! What’s for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(okay, so now I’m curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
(have a lobotomy)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Warning: Do not attempt to stop chain with hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a child’s Superman costume:
Warning: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh sure, that’s right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)