man arm

A man who lost his arms in Vietnam won a million dollars and immediately went to a doctor asking for their most advanced arms. The doctor told him that they had a brand new voice activated arm, but it costed one million dollars so he could only get one. The man agreed and got the arm.

One day he goes to a bar to show off the arm to his buddies. He tells the arm to pick up his drink, and then to let him take a sip. All his friends were really impressed.

After awhile he has to go to the bathroom. He tells the arm to pull out his dick and after he is done he says, “Give it a little shake.”

The arm does it and the man sort of likes it. He make sure nobody is around and then says, “Give it another shake,” it does this and the man gets a boner.

“Jerk it off!” he yells, and the arm pulls off his dick.

“Fuck Me!” he screams and the arms shoves the dick up his own ass and starts fucking him.

He then said, “Holy Shit, would you look at that!” and the arm pulled his dick out of his ass and shoved it in one of his eyes.

Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls — inquiries that stand out from the crowd because they’re heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites; plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives.

Its hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck (”Will it cook faster if I drive faster?”), but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen — these are real incidents, true stories — from the front lines!

* Home alone…
A Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the bird’s body cavity and couldn’t get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!

* Birdie, eagle and turkey?
Roasting a turkey doesn’t have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called “Turkey Central” for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole.

* Taking turkey preparation an extra step…
A Virginian wondered, “How do you thaw a fresh turkey?” The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys aren’t frozen and don’t need to be thawed.

* Don’t wait until the last minute!
On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the “Be prepared” motto to heart. She had just agreed to host the next Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips.

* Happy Thanksgiving, President Clinton!
A Southern woman called to comment, “On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is more important than the President. He can take the day off, but the Talk-Line staff can’t.” (The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is open Thanksgiving Day, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., Central Standard Time.)

* Thanksgiving Dinner on the run…
A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, “I don’t know, it’s still running around outside.”

* Tofu turkey?
No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn’t Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.

* White meat, anyone?
A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.

* A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed roasting advice. To provide approximate roasting times, the home economist asked what size the turkey was. Without asking her mother the little girl paused, then replied, “Medium.”

* A novice turkey-cooking chef wanted to know if the yellow netting and wrapper around the turkey should be removed before roasting. Envisioning a melted plastic turkey blob, the home economist responded, “Yes,” then offered complete roasting directions.

***** HAPPY THANKSGIVING ! *****

INNER SKELETON
A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.

FEMALE SOFA
A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in the hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

OUCH!
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man’s member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

GROWING SEASON
An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines growing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted it two weeks previously, because she thought that her uterus was falling out.

PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had “a rat in her pussy” and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, if was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

LAST STAND
A Cambridge man hobbled into the ER complaining of a permanent erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using more and more. By the time he came to the ER, all the blood vessels in his penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe painkillers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his last.

JUICY LUCY
In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her vagina. She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm that her doctor had recently given her. “I followed all the instructions to the letter,” she told her doctor, “and used it with the jelly.” When asked which kind of jelly she had used, she replied “Grape.”

KLINGONS AROUND URANUS
A 20 year old man came to the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man’s rectum was removed….along with a stray Ping-Pong ball.

After the successful D-Day invasion of France during World War II, General Dwight Eisenhower, the Allied Supreme Commander overseeing the invasion was inspecting a British section of the Allied Lines when German planes came over and strafed them. The party dived for cover. As soon as it was safe to emerge a senior British officer hurried across to see if Eisenhower was all right. Finding him unharmed, he expressed his relief in fervent terms. Ike thanked him for his solicitude. “Oh,” said the officer, “my concern was just that nothing should happen to you in MY sector.”

1. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!

2. Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.

3. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

4. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

5. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

6. Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.

7. Q: Why aren’t blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can’t even keep two calves together!

8. Q: What did the blonde’s right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They’ve never met.

9. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that’s where you’re supposed to wash vegetables!

10. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

11. Q: Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A1: She’d just dyed her hair.
A2: She’d just blow dried her hair and she didn’t want it blown around too much.

12. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

13. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

14. Q: What was the blonde psychic’s greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!

15. Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they’re on their back.

16. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
A: Put either of ‘em in a car and they’re fucked.

17. Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

18. Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.

19. Q: How do you get a blonde’s eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

20. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

21. Q1 How can you tell if a blonde’s been using the computer?
A: There’s white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde’s been using the computer?
A: There’s writing on the white-out.

22. Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

23. Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don’t know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

24. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn’t like it because she couldn’t get channel 9.

25. Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

26. Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

27. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

28. Q: Why don’t blondes eat Jello?
A: They can’t figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

29. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.

30. Q: Why don’t blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can’t get their head in the jar.

31. Q: Why don’t blondes eat bananas?
A: They can’t find the zipper.

32. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

33. Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.

34. Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

35. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

36. Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means “Stop, wrong hole.”

37. Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

38. Q: Why don’t blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

39. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.

40. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.

41. Q: Why don’t blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!

42. Q: What’s the mating call of the blonde?
A: “I’m *sooo* drunk!”

43. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) “I said: I’m drunk!”

44. Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

45. Q: What’s a brunette’s mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
A3: “All the blondes have gone home!”

46: Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

47. Q: Why do blondes like the GST? (GST — Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.

48. Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.

49. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

50. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits Go In Front.

51. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

52. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

53. Q: How do you change a blonde’s mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.

54. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won’t give in?
A: “Have another beer.”

55. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

56. Q: What’s the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.

57. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilized.

58. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.

59. Q: What’s the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.

60. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
A: Kick open the car door.

61. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.

62. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.

63. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
A: Bucket seats.

64. Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A1: “Thanks, Guys!”
A2: “Are you boys all in the same band?”
A3: Do you guys all play for the ?
A4: Who were all those guys?

65. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

66. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she’s been laid all over the country.

67. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

68. Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*

69. Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?
A: So they know when to stop having sex!

70. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, “Next”.
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He’s had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

71. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: “Thanks for the refill!”

72. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde’s ear?
A: Data transfer.

73. Q: Why do blondes use tapons with extra long strings?
A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.

74. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

75. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: “‘Debbie’…that’s cute. What did you name the other one ?”

76. Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don’t know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.

77. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: “What’s a lightbulb?”
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, “Daaady!”

78. Q: What’s a blonde’s favourite wine?
A: “Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!”

79. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.

80. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.

81. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes?
A: They’re doing research on black holes.

82. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.

83. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.

84. Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.

85. Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it’s mine?

86. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: “Are you sure it’s mine?”

87. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

88. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

89. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking
down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth
fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a
smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

90. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

91. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

92. Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

93. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

94. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!

95. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

96. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

97. Q: What’s the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

98. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don’t lend the Porsche out to your friend.

99. Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don’t let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

100. Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde? A: Butter is difficult to spread.