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A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned and says, “What if this place is still bugged?”

The groom says, “I’ll look for a bug.” He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, and under the rug. Finally, he says, “AHA!”

Under the rug is a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, and throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, “How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at our hotel?”

The groom says, “Why are you asking me all these questions?”

The hotel manager says, “Well, the room UNDER you complained of the chandelier falling on them last night.”

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, “No, Ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, “That isn’t true, Ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.” The lady looked at him, strangely, and went on her way.

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, “Never, never, never, say we don’t have something! If we don’t have it, say we ordered it, and it’s on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?”

“Rain,” said the clerk.

Top 39 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say
ever, no matter how much they’ve had to drink, no matter
how far from the South they’ve wandered and no matter
how much the skunks are threatening…
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39. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won’t fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
35. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can’t feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.
30. Wrasslin’s fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We’re vegetarians.
27. Do you think my hair is too big?
26. I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
24. Who’s Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I’ll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.
15. I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She’s too old to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
5. I don’t have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla Jean.

And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is
- - - 1. Elvis who?

Why did the one-armed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop!!

There was a strange performance at the LA Philarmonic the other day… It was Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, and it was dedicated to Sammy Sosa… He and his wife got a standing ovation as they took their front-row seats…

As the orchestra began to play, the Base players, who don’t have any part until an hour into the Symphony, began to get bored…they held a whispered conversation, and decided to slip quietly out to the Lobby for a few drinks…so they would have a chance to get back in time, they tied the pages of the musical score that their part was in together with a piece of string…

Count Dracula was in the Lobby bar and, being a huge fan of Base players, offered to buy them a few Bloody Marys…they all proceeded to get quite drunk, and 2 of the Bassists even passed out!

Come the fateful Base moment in the performance, the Conductor was unable to undo the string around te Score, and the Orchestra came to a crashing halt! He struggled mightily to undo the knot, then finally flung the sheets to the stage, and proceeded to jump up and down on them!!!

Sammy’s wife asked him what was the matter, and after a quick look around, he explained:
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“It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the Score is tied, the Bassists are loaded, there’s 2 out, the Count is 3 sheets 2 the wind, and the Conductor is pitching a fit!!!”