many men

While Debbie is having last-minute discussions with the caterer for her wedding reception, she takes her mother aside and asks her to buy a long lacy black negligee, and to pack it carefully in her suitcase for the honeymoon trip to follow.

Unfortunately, Mom has so many other arrangements to take care of that she forgets Debbie’s specific requests, buys a short pink nightie, and throws it into the suitcase.

Because Debbie and her bridegroom Donald have not been intimate, as they prepare for the wedding night in their hotel room Debbie takes her suitcase into the bathroom to change. Donald, also shy, is grateful.

Expecting to find her long black negligee, she finds only the crushed nightie in her suitcase. “Oh, NO!” she exclaims. “It’s short, pink, and wrinkled!!!”

“How can you see me through the door?” cries Donald.

Confucius say:

“Virginity like bubble. One prick … all gone!”

“Man who run in front of car get tired.”

“Man who run behind car get exhausted.”

“Foolish man give wife Grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ!”

“Man with one chopstick go hungry.”

“Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.”

“Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.”

“Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.”

“War does not determine who right. War determine who left.”

“Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.”

“Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.”

“Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!”

“Man who tell one-to-many light bulb jokes soon burn out.”

“It takes many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.”

“Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!”

“Man who sit on tack get point.”

“Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.”

“He who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.”

“Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time.”

“Learn from Your Parents’ Mistakes — Use Birth Control”

“My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink”

(Over a sketch of the Titanic) “The Boat Sank. Get Over It”

“I Didn’t Drive My Husband Crazy — I Flew Him There — It Was Faster”

“Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups”

“Aunt Em: Hate You. Hate Kansas. Taking the Dog. Dorothy”

“MEN: No Shirts, No Shoes, No Service
WOMEN: No Shirts, No Shoes, Free Beer”

“Aliens Abducted Me, Laser-Photographed My Internal Organs, Dropped Me Off in a Crop Circle, and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt”

“When You Do a Good Deed, Get a Receipt, in Case Heaven Is Like the IRS”

“He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest”

“Democracy Is Mob Rule with Income Taxes”

On the front of the shirt: “How Many Lawyers Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?” On the back of the shirt: “How Many Can You Afford?”

“My Wife Says I Don’t Listen to Her — At Least That’s What I Think She Says”

A few years ago, we invited some friends over for a Christmas party. Many of my colleagues were there, and many of them are German. Helmut, Franz, and Rudolf to name a few.

I was talking to Rudolf about his belief in the superiority of the communist party. I grew tired of the discussion so I motioned towards the window and commented on the weather, “I believe it’s snowing.”

“No, it looks too wet to be snow,” he said.

The argument went back and forth for a few minutes: rain, snow, rain, snow…

Then my wife came over and settled the argument for us. She said,

“Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear.”

“I think we agree, the past is over.”—On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000

“It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.”–Reuters, May 5, 2000 (Thanks to Allison Fansler.)

GOV. BUSH: Because the picture on the newspaper. It just seems so un-American to me, the picture of the guy storming the house with a scared little boy there. I talked to my little brother, Jeb—I haven’t told this to many people. But he’s the governor of—I shouldn’t call him my little brother–my brother, Jeb, the great governor of Texas.
JIM LEHRER: Florida.
GOV. BUSH: Florida. The state of the Florida.—The NewsHour With Jim Lehrer, April 27, 2000

“Laura and I really don’t realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis.”—Meet the Press, April 15, 2000

“I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.”—In Los Angeles as quoted by the Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000

“We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations, their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there’s not this kind of federal—federal cufflink.”—At Fritsche Middle School, Milwaukee, March 30, 2000

“Other Republican candidates may retort to personal attacks and negative ads.”—Fund-raising letter from George W. Bush, quoted in the Washington Post, March 24, 2000

“People make suggestions on what to say all the time. I’ll give you an example; I don’t read what’s handed to me. People say, ‘Here, here’s your speech, or here’s an idea for a speech.’ They’re changed. Trust me.”—Interview with the New York Times, March 15, 2000

“It’s evolutionary, going from governor to president, and this is a significant step, to be able to vote for yourself on the ballot, and I’ll be able to do so next fall, I hope.”—In an interview with the Associated Press, March 8, 2000 (Thanks to Joshua Micah Marshall.)

“I understand small business growth. I was one.”—New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000

“The senator has got to understand if he’s going to have—he can’t have it both ways. He can’t take the high horse and then claim the low road.”—To reporters in Florence, S.C., Feb. 17, 2000

“Really proud of it. A great campaign. And I’m really pleased with the organization and the thousands of South Carolinians that worked on my behalf. And I’m very gracious and humbled.”—To Cokie Roberts, This Week, Feb. 20, 2000

“I don’t want to win? If that were the case why the heck am I on the bus 16 hours a day, shaking thousands of hands, giving hundreds of speeches, getting pillared in the press and cartoons and still staying on message to win?”—Newsweek, Feb. 28, 2000

“I thought how proud I am to be standing up beside my dad. Never did it occur to me that he would become the gist for cartoonists.”—ibid.

“If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.”—Hilton Head, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

“How do you know if you don’t measure if you have a system that simply suckles kids through?”—Explaining the need for educational accountability in Beaufort, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

“We ought to make the pie higher.”—South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000

“The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.”—Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000

“This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It’s what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve.”—Speaking during “Perseverance Month” at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, N.H. As quoted in the Los Angeles Times, Jan. 28, 2000

“I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.”—Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

“This is still a dangerous world. It’s a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mential losses.”—At a South Carolina oyster roast, as quoted in the Financial Times, Jan. 14, 2000

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?”—Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

“Gov. Bush will not stand for the subsidation of failure.”—ibid.

“I read the newspaper.”—In answer to a question about his reading habits, New Hampshire Republican Debate, Dec. 2, 1999

“The students at Yale came from all different backgrounds and all parts of the country. Within months, I knew many of them.”—From A Charge To Keep, by George W. Bush, published November 1999

“It is incredibly presumptive for somebody who has not yet earned his party’s nomination to start speculating about vice presidents.”—Keene, N.H., Oct. 22, 1999, quoted in the New Republic, Nov. 15, 1999

“The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?”—Answering a question about why he hasn’t spent more time in New Hampshire, in the New York Times, Oct. 23, 1999

“I don’t remember debates. I don’t think we spent a lot of time debating it. Maybe we did, but I don’t remember.”—On discussions of the Vietnam War when he was an undergraduate at Yale, Washington Post, July 27, 1999

“The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned first-hand from your foreign minister, who came to Texas.”—To a Slovak journalist as quoted by Knight Ridder News Service, June 22, 1999. Bush’s meeting was with Janez Drnovsek, the prime minister of Slovenia.

“If the East Timorians decide to revolt, I’m sure I’ll have a statement.”—Quoted by Maureen Dowd in the New York Times, June 16, 1999

“Keep good relations with the Grecians.”—Quoted in the Economist, June 12, 1999

“Kosovians can move back in.”—CNN Inside Politics, April 9, 1999

“It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then.”—From a 1994 interview, as quoted in First Son, by Bill Minutaglio