many men

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?

A. None. It should be open when the bitch brings it to you.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

But the witnesses don’t have anything on the lawyers:

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: This myasthenia gravis–does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

And the topper:

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

ACURA -Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile

AMC -All Makes Combined
AMC -A Major Cost
AMC -A Mutated Car
AMC -A Moron’s Car
AMC -Another Major Catastrophe
AUDI -Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
AUDI -All Unsafe Designs Implemented
AUDI -Another Ugly Duetsche Invention
AUDI -Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence
AUDI -Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.

BMW -Babbling Mechanical Wench
BMW -Beastly Monsterous Wonder
BMW -Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels
BMW -Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
BMW -Barely Moving Wreck
BMW -Big Money Waste
BMW -Big Money. Why?
BMW -Big Money Works
BMW -Born Moderately Wealthy
BMW -Bought My Wife
BMW -Break My Windows
BMW -Break My Windshield
BMW -Breaks Most Wrenches
BMW -Bring Many Wrenches
BMW -Brings Me Women
BMW -Brings More Women
BMW -Broken Money Waster
BMW -Broke My Wallet
BMW -Broken Monstrous Wonder
BMW -Brutal Money Waster
BMW -Bumbling Mechanical Wretch
BMW -Blastphemous Motorized Wreck

BUICK -Big Ugly Import Car Killer
BUICK -Big Ugly Immitation Chrome King
BUICK -Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
BUICK -Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer
BUICK -Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CADILLAC -Crazy And Demented Idiots Like Large American Cars
CADILLAC -Cars Are Driven In Long Lines And Crashed

CHEVROLET -Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle, Or Loud Engine Ticks
CHEVROLET -Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
CHEVROLET -Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
CHEVROLET -Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
CHEVROLET -Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
CHEVROLET -Cheap Heaps Erratically Vibrate Running On Level Even Terrain
CHEVROLET -Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques
CHEVROLET -Cracked Heads, Every Valve’s Rotten, Oil Leaks Every Time

CHEVY -Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet
CHEVY -Can Hear Every Valve Yell

DODGE -Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
DODGE -Dead Old Dog Going East
DODGE -Dead On Day Guarantee Expires
DODGE -Dead On Delivery, Go Easy
DODGE -Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired
DODGE -Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
DODGE -Drips Oil Drops Grease Everywhere
DODGE -Driven Only During Grey Evenings

EDSEL -Every Day Something Else Leaks

FIAT -Failed In A Tunnel
FIAT -Fails In Attempted Turns
FIAT -Failure In Automotive Technology
FIAT -Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
FIAT -Fits In A Thimble
FIAT -Fix It Again, Tony!
FIAT -Flats In All Tires
FIAT -Found In A Trench

FORD -Fabricated Of Refried Dung
FORD -Fails On Rainy Days
FORD -Famous Odor Resistant Dog
FORD -Falling Off: Rusty Door
FORD -Fast Only Rolling Downhill
FORD -Fantastically Orgasmic Realistic Dream
FORD -Fastest On Road, Dip!
FORD -Fatally Obese Redneck Driver
FORD -Fault Of R&D
FORD -Final Organ of Reproductive Discipline
FORD -Finally Obsolete Racing Device
FORD -Fireball On Rear DentingFORD -First On Recall Day
FORD -First On Race Day
FORD -First On Road to Dump
FORD -First On Rust and Deterioration
FORD -First Order of Reproductive Discipline
FORD -Fix Or Recycle Dilemma
FORD -Fixed Or Repaired Daily
FORD -Flip Over Read Directions
FORD -Flipping Over Results in Death
FORD -Flipped Over Roadside Disaster
FORD -Flintstone Or Rubble Driven
FORD -Follow Our Ruddy Dogsled
FORD -Fond Of Resonating Decibels
FORD -Foot On Road Decelerates
FORD -Fords Only Run Downhill
FORD -Forced On Reluctant Drivers
FORD -Formed Of Rejected DNA
FORD -Forwarded Once; Return Denied
FORD -Forward Only; Reverse Defective
FORD -Forgot Our Recommended Defaults
FORD -Forlorn, Old, Ratridden Dustbin
FORD -For Old, Rotten Deadbeat
FORD -Fork Over Repair Dough
FORD -Found On Red Dumpster
FORD -Found On Redneck’s Driveway
FORD -Found On Roadside Dead
FORD -Found On Rubbish Dump
FORD -Found Outside Refuse Dump
FORD -Found Outside Rotting Dump
FORD -Found On Russian Dump
FORD -Fouled Out Re-done Dodge
FORD -Fraternal Order of Restored DeSotos
FORD -Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Deterioration
FORD -Frequently On Ritalin, Designers
FORD -Free Or Reduced Drastically
FORD -Frequent Opinion: Really Disappointed
FORD -Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable
FORD -Funny Old Rattling Dump
FORD -Funky Old Rebuilt Dodge
FORD -(spelled backwards)Driver Returns On Foot

GEO -Good Engineering Overlooked

G. M. -General Maintenance
G. M. -Goshdarn Mess
G. M. -Generally Misunderstood
G. M. -Garbage Motors
G. M. -Generally Miserable
G. M. -Grossley Misconceived
G. M. -Gluteus Maximus

GMC -Garage Man’s Companion
GMC -Generally Mediocre Cars
GMC -Generic Made Chevy
GMC -German Milk Cow
GMC -Get More Chicks
GMC -Gets Mechanics Crazy
GMC -Gods Mechanical Curse
GMC -Gotta Mechanic comming
GMC -Got More Crap
GMC -Great Mountain Climber
GMC -Great Motor Car

HONDA -Had One, Never Do-that Again
HONDA -Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
HONDA -Has Often Nice Dealer Accessories

HYUNDAI -How Your Usual Nerd Drives An Import
HYUNDAI -Hope You Understand Nothing’s Drivable And Inexpensive

IROC -I Race Other Cars
IROC -I Run Over Critters
IROC -I Run Off Cliffs
IROC -I Reek Of Cologne
IROC -Italian Resting On Console
IROC -Ignorant Retard Out Cruising

JEEP -Just Eats Every Part
JEEP -Junk Engineering Executed Poorly

KIA -Killed In Action
KIA -Kills In Accidents

LTD -Long Term Debt
LTD -Lousy Transportation, Dammit!
LTD -Little Tin Dream
LTD -Last Try from Detroit
LTD -Long, Thin Dumpster
LTD -Long Time Driving

MAZDA -Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
MAZDA -My! Another Zany Detroit Assassin!

MERCEDES -Most Eccentric Rich Capitalists Enjoy Driving Expensive Sedans

M.G. -Money Guzzler

MITSUBISHI -Mostly In The Shop Undergoing Big Investments, Sometimes Halfway Incomplete

MOPAR -Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly
MOPAR -Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously
MOPAR -Most Often Passed At Races
MOPAR -Mostly Old Parts And Rust
MOPAR -Mostly Old Paint And Rust
MOPAR -Move Over People Are Racing
MOPAR -Move Over Plymouth Approaching Rapidly
MOPAR -My Old Pig Ain’t Running
MOPAR -My Only Problems Are Repairs

MUSTANG -Men Usually Stand Together And Never Go

NISSAN -Nine Idiots Standing, Saying Absolutely Nothing
NISSAN -Needless Innovations, Silly, Stupid, Automotive Nonsense

OLDSMOBILE -Oh, Look, Dammit! Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot’s Leaking Everything.
OLDSMOBILE -Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind
Infuriatingly Late Every day.
OLDSMOBILE -Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Out-dated By Infamies Like Edsel.
OLDSMOBILE -Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular Leftover Equipment
OLDSMOBILE -Old Ladies Drive Slow - Mostly Over Bridges Into Lake Erie

PINTO -Put In Nickel To Operate
PINTO -Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook

PLYMOUTH -Please Let Your Mother Out (from) Under The Hood!
PLYMOUTH -Police Laugh, Young Men Ogle, All Underestimating This Heap

PONTIAC -People On Narcotics Think It’s A Chevy
PONTIAC -Poor Old Nitwit Thinks It’s A Cadillac
PONTIAC -Puts Out Noxious Toxins In All Cities

PORSCHE -Piece Of Rubbish, Saps Continually High Expense
PORSCHE -Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

PROBE -Plainly Runs Only By Exception

SAAB -Send Another Automobile Back
SAAB -Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
SAAB -Swedish Automobiles Are Beastly
SAAB -Sad Attempt At Beauty
SAAB -Sorry Auto, Always Broken
SAAB -Swedish Automobile-Always Broken

SATURN -Sounds Absolutely Terrible, Unbelievable Rattling Noises

SUBARU -Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
SUBARU -Sorry Unreal Bonzai Attempt at a Russian U-boat

TOYOTA -Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
TOYOTA -Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass

TRIUMPH -This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
TRIUMPH -Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!
TRIUMPH -The Risk In Useless Machinery Pays Heavily

VOLVO -Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW -Virtually Worthless

VOLKSWAGEN -Very Obsolete, Losers Knowingly Suffer With All German Engineered Nonsense

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use, on the average, only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

He said, “What?”

Here is a great historical instance of out-of-the-box thinking:

The renown British physicist Ernest Rutherford was known as the father of nuclear physics. When he was a professor at an English university, he got a call from a colleague who asked if Rutherford would be a referee on the grading of an examination question. This fellow professor was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question while the student claimed he should receive a perfect score and would have if the system were not set up against the student. Both instructor and student agreed to an impartial arbiter and Rutherford was selected.

Rutherford agreed to do so. He went to his colleague’s office and read the examination question: “Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer.” The student had answered: “Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building.”

Rutherford pointed out that the student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question correctly and completely. On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course. A high grade was supposed to certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this. Rutherford then suggested that the student be given another try at answering the question. He was not surprised that his colleague agreed, but he was surprised when the student did.

Rutherford gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, the student had not written anything. Rutherford then asked if the student wished to give up, but the student said, “No. I had many answers to this problem; I was just thinking of the best one.” Rutherford excused himself for interrupting the student and asked him to please go on. In the next minute, the student dashed off his answer which read:”Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula x=0.5*a*t^^2, calculate the height of the building.” At this point, Rutherford asked his colleague if he would give up. The instructor conceded, and gave the student almost full credit.

In leaving his colleague’s office, Rutherford recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem, so he asked the latter what they were.

“Well,” said the student. “there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer. For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of the building.”

“Fine,” Rutherford said, “and the others?”

“Yes,” said the student.” There is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units.”

“A very direct method, indeed” Rutherford commented.

“Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated. On this same tact, you could take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could then calculate the height of the building by the period of the precession”.

Rutherford could only nod in agreement with the student’s answers.

“Finally,” the student concluded, “there are many other ways of solving the problem with a barometer. Probably the best is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent’s door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: ‘Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer.’”

At this point, Rutherford asked the student if he really did not know the conventional answer to this question. The student admitted that he did, but said, “I was just fed up with high school and college instructors trying to teach me how to think.” This marked the start of a professional and fruitful collaboration between Rutherford and this student.

Oh, and the name of this student? Neils Bohr, who went on to formulate the theory on quantum physics.