many men

Joe and John, two men of the same age and qualifications, are planning on taking the same exact test in order to qualify for a job. They both sit down to take the test and when they have completed the test they each await patiently for the results. The owners of the company come up to Joe and tell him that he did not get the job, but John did.

“Why?” asked Joe, “We both had the same qualifications!”

“Well…” replied the owners, “we decided not to judge who got the job by how many questions you got right but by what answer you put for each. On the second question, he wrote ‘I don’t know’ and you put ‘Neither do I’.”

If your goal in life is to do as little as possible, and you get away with that…does that make you successful?

If love is blind and marriage is an institution, does that mean that marriage is an institution for the blind?

If you can buy more memory for your computer…why can’t people?

What does an imperfect stranger look like?

The term “free gift” never made sense to me…has anybody ever said to you…”I bought you a gift, now that will be $19.95?”

What do the manufacturers of styrofoam pack their shipments in?

Is it really possible to be completely partial?

If you pulled the wings off of a fly..would it then be called a “walk”?

If wool shrinks in water…why don’t sheep shrink in the rain?

Is it ok for vegetarians to eat animal crackers?

If a mime gets arrested, does he have the right to remain silent?
And if you SHOOT one, do you have to use a “silencer”?

If psychics are for real..why don’t they call us? Speaking of psychics, why don’t they ever win lotteries?

If contractors erect a building, when they are done why isn’t it called a built?

Did you ever stop to think…and then forget to start again?

How do you know if sour cream goes bad? And why do the containers for sour cream have expiration dates on them? Do they become FRESH, after a certain point?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

How do deer know to cross at those deer crossing signs?

Is it a coincidence that the word “politics” comes from the Latin roots with “poli” meaning many and “tics” meaning blood sucking insects?

Is it ok to ask the clerk in a book store where the section on “self-help” is?

How come Tarzan doesn’t have a beard? Or a moustache? Or long fingernails?

No disrespect intended here but, ladies, do you think Moses would have had to wander the desert so long if he would have just stopped to ask directions?

How does the bank expect you to pay the penalty fee on a check thats returned for insuffient funds…with
a check?

I made a promise to myself to get in shape and I did it! Round is a shape isn’t it?

I have my own opinions on things….
is that ok with you?

Computers allow us to make mistakes much faster than we ever could by hand.

There are two sure fire rules for a successful life: Rule#1: Don’t tell people everything you know, and,
Rule#2: Youth is wasted on the young

Yesterday, my friend called me a procastinator and I was so mad that I vowed to get even with her…soon as I get around to it.

I then asked her if she knew the meaning of the word apathy? She said, “No, and I don’t care.”

When doing any kind of writting, you should always avoid cliches like the plague.

People who are redundant by repeating themselves and saying the same thing twice really annoy me a lot.

Free advice is worth exactly what you pay for it.

Change is inevitable….except from a vending machine.

A preposition is a word that you should never end a sentence with.

I put a dollar bill into a machine that said “get change here” but nothing changed.

If the shoe fits…..buy them.

Most women would rather have beauty than brains, because men can see better than they can think.

If you want people to know where you stand….don’t bathe for a week.

I have found that the easiest way to find something I lost is to go buy another one.

Overexageration is a really really huge enormously bad habit….

Most mothers tell their daughters to marry doctors…I told mine to marry an archaeologist because the older she gets, the more interested he will be in her.

It’s easier to let the cat out of the bag than it is to get it back in the bag.

If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably going the wrong way on a one-way street.

I think it’s kind of mean that the word for speech impediment is “lisp”…..think about it!

Q.) How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A.) None, they all just sit in the dark and bitch.

Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Wussy.

Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, gimme a break. He’s been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.

Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem.’ It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, this time, I’d rather not have your mother join us. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you! But, have to admit . . . .

Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. Sore as hell. . . .

Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn’t working. What am I gonna do? I feel tacky all over . .

Day 11.
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was “The Smurfs Do Denmark.” Even my armpits hurt. He’s a nasty man.

Day 12.
OK, I’m basically being drilled to death. It’s like going out with a Black and Decker power tool. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed.

Day 13.
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying ‘fabulous,’ and still he keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous . . . .

Day 14.
Now I know how Saddam Hussein’s wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. Let’s hope he’s not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out. . . I can hardly walk and if he tries that “Oops, sorry” butt-thing again, I’m gonna kill him.

Day 15.
I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me “Sister Wendy” makes “Father Woody” want to bark like a dog. Help me.

Day 16.
I think I will have to kill him. Then he’ll go out the way he wants to - stiff. With my luck, I won’t be able to close the casket. I’m starting to adhere to everything I sit on. The cats are afraid of him and the neighbors no longer come over. Last night I told him to fuck himself; he did. He must die.

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur’s youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer.

The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he’d have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises.

He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur’s question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared.

And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur’s life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he’d ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she’d been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question!

Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don’t read until you’ve made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is he moral of this story?

THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE’S STILL A WITCH.