many men

“Everyday some new do gooder is trying to save us from ourselves. We have so many laws and safety commissions to ensure our safety that it seems nearly impossible to have an accident.

The problem is, we need accidents, and LOTS of them. Danger is natures way of eliminating stupid people. Without safety, stupid people die in accidents!

With safety, however well-intentioned it may be, we are, devolving into half-witted mutants because idiots, who by all rights should be dead, are spared from their rightful early graves and are free to breed even more imbeciles.

Let’s do away with safety and improve our species. Take up smoking! Jay walk! Play with blasting caps! Swim right after a big meal! Stick something small in your ear! Watch an entire 5 days of the impeachment trial!

Take your choice of dangerous activity and do it with gusto.
Future generations will thank you.

Dear Sir,

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies. I would prefer not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the futures of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422, in 1968, until this year, when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising them. If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised,which will mean about $80,000 for the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs that I will not raise, will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you pay farmers not to raise corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising corn and wheat not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? Also, I am considering the “not milking cows” business, so send me any information you have on that also.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically yours,
xxxxxx

P.S. Please notify me of what other government programs I can “not” participate in.

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clock to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing football; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him, “I need some tampons.”
6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
7. Try on bras over the top of your clothes.
8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible, “Sex and Candy.”
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes up to 10.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi!” I haven’t seen you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself lound enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this shit, anyway?”
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Try putting different pairs of women’s panties on your head and walk around the stores casually.
17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow! Magic!”
20. Put M&M’s on layaway.
21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
24. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “I’m Batman. Come, Robin–to the Batcave!”
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.
29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you peole just leave me alone?”
30. When two or three people are walking ahead ahead of you, run between them yelling, “Red Rover!”
31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with GI Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle describe above.
34. Set up another battlefield with GI Joes vs. GI Janes (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!).
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. While no one’s watching quickly switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the rest rooms.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission: Impossible.”
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone’s jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
42. Two words” “Marco Polo”
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.
46. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like “the fat man walks alone,” and scare them into believing the clothes are talking to them.
47. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very seroius convesation.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
49. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you do’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
50. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
51. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying “Good girl, good bessie.”
52. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
53. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, then quckly make off with it without saying a word.
54. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
55. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
56. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
57. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way.
58. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
59. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
60. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin, narrow aisles.
61. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
62. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
63. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
64. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me you your Twinkees?”
65. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?”
66. Ride a display bicycle through that store; claim that you are taking it for a test drive.
67. Leave cryptic messages on the typewritters.
68. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in people’s care when they don’t realize it.

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice would win the money.

Many people had tried over time…(weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said “Okay,” and grabbed a lemon
which he squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter to what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM FOR STUDENT ATHLETES

Time Limit: 3 WEEKS

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to

____ (a) build a bridge
____ (b) sail the ocean
____ (c) lead an army or
____ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
____ (a) Jewish
____ (b) Catholic
____ (c) Hindu
____ (d) Polish
____ (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America’s far north called?
____ (a) Westerners
____ (b) Southerners
____ (c) Northerners

9. Spell — Bush, Carter and Clinton

Bush: __________________________
Carter: __________________________
Clinton: __________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
____ (a) Macy’s
____ (b) Kmart
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity?
____ (a) yes
____ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
____ (a) New York
____ (b) Florida
____ (c) Canada
____ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
____ (a) B.C
____ (b) A.D.

Signed _______________________