many men

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF MERCY -HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES.

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.

When he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?”
He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.”

“Very well, my son. Please follow me.” He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, “Please knock on this door”.

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.

This nun instructs, “Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.” He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun’s cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

You Might Be a Computer Geek If…

You may have heard of Jeff Foxworthy’s humorous dialogue about rednecks, well, this is a twist on his style of humor.

You might be a computer geek, by Jeff Foxqwerty.

You might be a computer geek:

1 If you have 20/20 vision, and still can’t C…

2 If You buy a car and ask what version it is instead of model…

3 If the biggest purchase of your life happens at least once a month…

4 If you spent more on your computer than your wife’s engagement ring…

5 If you can pronounce several Japanese words and they aren’t forms of martial arts…

6 If you finger yourself on a regular basis…

7 If your idea of a date is dinner and an AVI…

8 If your pet rock is faster than a speeding bullet…

9 If you install windows, but you’re not a carpenter…

10 If your doctor says you have a slipped disk, and you call a data recovery company…

11 If a computer you bought for 2000 dollars is now being used as a doorstop…

12 If you want a faster car, you ask the dealer for an upgrade…

13 If your criteria for a college consists of:
1. How many computers
2. Does it have full Internet
3. And what are the hours of the nearest Chinese food restaurant

14 If you have an unpronouncable computer handle, and it actually means something…

15 If you have an SVGA monitor, and a Black and White TV…

16 If you have one in every port, and you aren’t a sailor…

17 If you one day realize you did your budget in Hex…

18 If you number your reports in powers of 2…

19 If you can recognize the speed of a modem by the tones…

20 If you’ve ever met someone for the first time that you’ve known for years…

Copyright (C) 1995 ROTFLOL / Written by Jason Caminiti / jcaminit@lynx.neu.edu

Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.

Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: B-52…F-16…B-2

Q: What is Iraq’s national bird?
A: Duck

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can’t turn them on anyway.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000.

Q: “How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light Bulb?”
A: “We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time.”

Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.

Q: What’s the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Why DID the chicken cross the road?

VICE PRESIDENT GORE: I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH: I don’t believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road

SENATOR LIEBERMAN: I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way.

SECRETARY CHENEY: Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don’t want to cross the road. They don’t need help crossing the road. In fact, I’m not interested in crossing the road myself.

RALPH NADER: Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren’t ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it - the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by “cross”? Could you define “cross” please?

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and lo, there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

The average cucumber is at least six inches long

Cucumbers stay hard for a week

A Cucumber won’t tell you that size doesn’t count

Cucumbers don’t get too excited

A Cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety

Cucumbers are easy to pick up

You can fondle Cucumbers in the supermarket…and you know how firm it is before you take one home

Cucumbers can get away any weekend

With a Cucumber you can get a single room…and you won’t have to check in as Mrs. Cucumber

A Cucumber will always respect you in the morning

You can go to a movie with a Cucumber and see the movie

At a Drive-In you can stay in the front seat

A Cucumber can always wait until you get home

A Cucumber won’t eat all the Popcorn…or send you out for milk duds

A Cucumber won’t drag you out to a John Wayne film festival

A Cucumber won’t ask “Am I the first”

Cucumbers don’t care if your a virgin

Cucumbers won’t tell anyone your not a virgin anymore

With Cucumbers you don’t have to be a virgin more than once

Cucumbers don’t have sex hang-ups

Cucumbers won’t make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with boots on

Cucumbers aren’t into rope and leather, talking dirty or swinging with fruits and nuts

You can have as many Cucumbers as you can handle

You only eat Cucumber when you feel like it

Cucumbers never need a round of applause

Cucumbers won’t ask: Am I the best? How was it? Did you cum? How many times?

Cucumbers aren’t jealous…of your gynecologist, ski instructor, or hair dresser

A Cucumber won’t want to join your support group

Cucumbers aren’t into meaningful discussions

Cucumbers won’t ask about your last lover..or speculate about the next one

A Cucumber will never make a scene because there are other Cucumbers in the refrigerator

A Cucumber won’t mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over

No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh Cucumber

Cucumbers can handle rejection

A Cucumber won’t pout if you have a headache

A Cucumber won’t care what time of the month it is

A Cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet

A Cucumber won’t give it up for lent

With a Cucumber you never have to say your sorry

Cucumbers don’t leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow

Cucumbers can stay up all night…and you don’t have to sleep on a wet spot

Afterwards a Cucumber won’t: want to shake hands and be friends, say “I’ll call you a cab, tell you he’s not the marrying kind, tell you he is the marrying kind call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist, take you to confession

Cucumbers don’t leave you wondering for a month

A Cucumber won’t make you go to the drugstore

Cucumbers won’t tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them

A Cucumber a day keeps the OB-Gyn away

A Cucumber won’t work your crossword puzzle in ink

A Cucumber isn’t allergic to your cat

With a Cucumber, you don’t have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season

Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car

A Cucumber won’t eat all your food or drink all your liquor

A Cucumber doesn’t turn your bathroom into a library

Cucumbers won’t go through your medicine chest

A Cucumber doesn’t use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray

Cucumbers won’t leave hair in the sink or a ring in the tub

Cucumbers don’t leave dirty shorts on the floor

A Cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet

A Cucumber doesn’t flush the toilet while your taking a shower

With a Cucumber the toilet seat is always the way you left it

Cucumbers don’t compare you to a Centerfold

Cucumbers can’t count to ten

Cucumbers don’t tell you they liked you better with long hair

A Cucumber will never leave for: another woman, another man, another Cucumber

A Cucumber will never call and say “I have to work late, Honey,” and then come home smelling like another woman

A Cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a wedgie

You always know where your Cucumber has been

A Cucumber never has to call “the wife”

Cucumbers don’t have mid-life crisis

A Cucumber won’t leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun

Cucumbers don’t play the guiter and try to find themselves

You won’t find out later that your Cucumber: is married, is on penicillin, likes you, but loves your brother

A Cucumber doesn’t have softball practise on the day you move

Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R and R

A Cucumber won’t ask for a transfer just when you’re up for a promotion

Cucumbers don’t care if you make more money than they do

A Cucumber won’t wear a leisure suit to your office christmas party

You don’t have to wait till half time to talk to your Cucumber

A Cucumber won’t take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy outfit

Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom

A Cucumber doesn’t care if you always spend the holidays with your family

A Cucumber won’t ask to be put through med school

A Cucumber won’t tell you he’s outgrown you intellectually

Cucumbers never expect you to have little Cucumbers

Cucumbers don’t say,”let’s keep trying until we have a little boy.”

A Cucumber won’t insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish or Orthodox Vegetarian

It’s easy to drop a Cucumber

A Cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything