many men

A local TV station sponsored a fabulous contest, the grand prize being a 30-day all expense paid trip around the world. Three gentlemen were selected as finalists, and as a final task each were given 14 days to accumulate as many ping pong balls as they could.

The three men all set out on their unusual journey. After 5 days the first gentleman returned in a Chevy pickup truck, filled to the top with small white ping pong balls.
“Great! You’re in the lead! But we have to wait for the other two finalists.”

Another 5 days go by and the 2nd finalist returns, this time driving a Mack truck, filled with little white ping pong balls. It took the judges several hours to count them, and he was proclaimed to be in the lead. “But, we have to wait 4 more days for out third finalist”.

On the 14th day and only a few hours left the judges prepared to award the grand prize to the 2nd finalist.
Finally with just an hour to spare the third finalst, an elderly white-haired gentleman, appeared at the TV station to report in. He was in terrible shape - his clothes were ripped and shredded, he was scratched and bruised from head to toe. His left ankle was bandged, and even his right arm was in a cast. He was an absolute mess! He hobbled in using a crutch and dropped two large shopping bags in front of the judges.

“Where in the hell have you been?”, asked one judge. “The other finalists collected thousands more ping pong balls than you. What happened?”

“Ping pong balls?”, the elderly man asked. “I thought you said KING KONG’S BALLS!!!!!!!”

When the new school year started, the history teacher was so excited because there were three little American Indian boys in her class. She was beside herself with excitement. So she asked the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and how he knew this.

The little boy stood up and proudly threw out his chest. Then he took his fist and hit it on his chest. He said in a booming voice, “I am a Cherokee. My father and I walked for many moons and one day my father said, ‘Son, you see all this land. This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am a Cherokee.”

“Wonderful,” the teacher said, and then asked the next little Indian boy to stand.

The little boy stood up and proudly threw out his chest. Then he took his fist and hit it on his chest. He said in a booming voice, “I am a Comanche. My father and I walked for many moons and one day my father aid, ‘Son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land.’ So, I know I am a Comanche.”

The teacher was growing more excited by the moment and asked the last little Indian boy to stand.

The little boy stood up and proudly threw out his chest. Then he took his fist and hit it on his chest. He said in a booming voice, “I am a Fuckawee.”

The teacher looked dumbfounded and said, “I don’t think there is any such tribe as the Fuckawee.”

The little boy said, “My father and I walked for many days and many nights. And many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally, one day my father stopped and with his hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looked around. He said, ‘Hmmmm, where the Fuckawee…’”

***************************************
IT IS SATURDAY, a crisp Winter’s afternoon, and you’re exactly where you should be: stretched out on the sofa in front of a televised sporting event, opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly your wife/S.O. enters the room and says, “What exactly do you think you’re doing?” Is this a trick question?

Yes, it is. The trick is that no matter how you answer it, you will immediately find yourself driving down to your nearest B&Q Depot where you will spend the rest of the afternoon trying to decide the type of curtain rod that’s right for you.

How does this work?

It has as much to do with the nature of the question itself as with anything else. Women are expert at posing questions that seem to have no right answer.

Here’s a common example:
“DO I LOOK FAT?”
There is no answer to this question that won’t be interpreted as “yes”. “No” means yes. “Yes” means yes. “I don’t know” means yes. “It doesn’t matter” means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn’t work, but all the other options are worse. There are several other questions for which “no” is the only answer, and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is unlikely to pay off.

Consult this handy chart:
- JUST SAY NO!
Is there someone else?
Do you still fantasize about her?
Are you tired of me?

- JUST SAY YES!
Do you still love me?
Do you ever fantasize about me?
Do you like my hair this way?

Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or no response. Some of them are more like riddles. Such as this one:
- “WHICH SHOES LOOK BETTER?”

Typically you’re already late for dinner when your wife/S.O. confronts you, with one pair of shoes on and another alongside them. This is no ordinary choice. It’s a devious chicken/egg puzzler, the sort of choice that would lead even Hobson to say to Mrs. Hobson, “Whichever, you old trout!” If you pick the shoes she already has on, she’ll think you’re trying to hurry her. If you pick the other pair, she’ll think it’s because you know you can’t pick the ones she has on. Some men try a non-linear approach and opt for a third, not offered pair of shoes, but this is inevitably taken as either an attack on her judgement or an opportunity for her to attack yours. On no account suggest another dress. You might as well say, “You’re fat.” This raises the question of why she’s asking you at all. She knows you don’t know which shoes look better, and she knows you don’t care, so why is she trying to elicit your opinion? This is part of an ongoing campaign to domesticate you. As part of the same campaign, she will occasionally consult you about alternative table settings or new towels. In these two cases a disdainful and dismissive “beats me” should do the trick, but don’t try that with the shoe dilemma, or you’ll miss your reservation. Instead, suggest that she try on the other shoes, then tell her the first ones look better. This lets you more or less off the hook, as long as you don’t raise a fuss when she decides that the second pair are better after all.

- “WHERE DO YOU SEE THIS RELATIONSHIP GOING?”
This could be described as an essay question, since you’re obviously not going to get away with snappy little answers such as “forward” or “upstairs” or “I dunno”. Another problem is that you and your wife/S.O. are operating at cross-purposes here. She wants a heartfelt expression of your feelings and an honest assessment of your future together, and you want an easier question. There is certainly no point in answering a toe-curling query like this one without at least a rough idea of precisely what it is she wants to hear. Questions such as this one are a category unto themselves, i.e. questions that should be answered with another question. See how easily some of the more difficult leading inquiries can be parried through the simple deployment of reflexive interrogation.

HER: Where do you see this relationship going?
YOU: Where do you see this relationship going?
HER: Do you think she’s attractive?
YOU: Who?
HER: Will you marry me?
YOU: Where am I?

HER: What if I was pregnant?
YOU: Are you pregnant?
HER: Why? Do I look fat?

Whoops! We’re in a bit of trouble here. You should have seen that coming.
Try a more surreal approach:
HER: What if I was pregnant?
YOU: What if I was pregnant?

At the very least it gives you time to think up a better answer. Some all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do you ask? Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What’s love got do with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your period? is not one of these.)

Let’s try something easier.
“NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?” Well, slightly easier. This question is of a piece with two others: “Have you forgotten what today is?” and “Have you been listening to a word I’ve said?” Apart from being questions that are easier to answer wrong than right, they’re the kinds of things women say in sitcoms. They are best treated in an ironic post-modern context:
HER: Notice anything different about me?
YOU: New apron?
HER: Have you forgotten what today is?
YOU: Of course not. It’s Thursday.
HER: Have you been listening to a word I’ve said?
YOU: That’s nice, dear…

Funny, huh? Well, it’s not your fault if she doesn’t get it. If she wants a better answer, she’s going to have to start asking better questions.
Questions such as:
- “HAVE YOU TAKEN A LOOK AT YOURSELF LATELY?”
This question and its cousin, the almost always uncalled for “Who do you think you are?”, are ways of gently reminding you how much of a factor pity was in her original decision to go out with you, and how that decision could be rescinded if you behave in any way that cannot be described as abject. You probably brought this rebuke on yourself by mentioning that you reckon Brad Pitt is getting a little chubby or by speculating that Jack Nicholson doesn’t have to wait until his birthday for oral sex. You’re not really supposed to answer either of these questions. You’re just supposed to apologize for your wanton self-esteem-having.

Instead of apologizing, just smile. Your manifold inadequacies as a boyfriend/husband - nay, as a man - are a kind of revenge all by themselves. Next!

- “DO YOU BELIEVE IN FIDELITY?”
Like most philosophical questions that seem to pop up out of the blue, this question doesn’t pop up out of the blue. This general query about fidelity is in fact a coded inquiry about the extent of your fidelity on a specific occasion or occasions. Your response will also have to be coded. Consult this translation chart before giving your answer:
YOU SAY - Yes.
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - He’s hiding something.
YOU SAY - It depends.
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - I knew it!

YOU SAY - Why do you ask?
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - creeps!

YOU SAY - I dunno. Do you?
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - How much does he know?

There are several more variations, but they’re not worth going into. By the time she asks you this question, you’re already in deep trouble. It doesn’t really matter what you say, as long as you don’t blush when you answer. Let’s look at an example that calls for more straightforward lying.

- “WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?”
She means, “You were looking at that girl, weren’t you?” And you thought you’d perfected that trick of keeping your neck still and just letting your eyes swivel. Obviously, the truth is not the best answer here. We all know that the truth can set you free, sometimes before you’ve found somewhere else to stay. It may seem easy enough to answer this question with a cunning lie, but when men are caught off-guard, their ability to deceive is impaired. Here are a few of the more common mistakes men make when asked “What are you looking at?”

TOO SPECIFIC: “The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap of the letterbox”.
NOT SPECIFIC ENOUGH: “That thing.”
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE: “A diamond necklace in that window back there that would be perfect on you”.
TOO TRUE TO BE GOOD: “A see-through nightie in that window back there that would be perfect on you.”
TOO OBVIOUS: “Nothing.”
WAY TOO OBVIOUS: “That blonde bird over there with the big… I mean… nothing.”

Here’s one that requires a little interpretation.
- “WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?”
This one often crops up whenever some kind of emergency or seemingly unsolvable problem arises. The part that requires interpretation is the mysterious “we” in the middle. This means two things: in one sense, “we” clearly means “you” - as in, “What are you going to do now”; but there is also a sense of “we’re in this together” implying that you bear equal responsibility for the fact that she’s just dropped her keys down a drain, or that she stores her jack and spare tyre in her garage so they won’t get stolen.

In such situations you’ll probably find that the only answer to “What are we going to do now?” that you can think of is “We are going to break up. Good-bye.” Most likely you’ll decide not to say anything. After which she will probably let loose with the rather ill-advised:

- “WHY DON’T YOU SAY SOMETHING?”
Whether you answer this one is up to you. There is only one question that you should never, ever answer. Keep silent, pretend you didn’t hear, run away, whatever, but don’t say anything when she asks:

- “SHOULD I GET ALL OF MY HAIR CUT OFF?”
If you say anything, then when she does get all her hair cut off (and let’s face it, she’s already made up her mind) and she hates it (and she will hate it), it will be your fault. Even if you say absolutely nothing, the best you can hope for is that she will come home with all her hair cut off, stare you straight in the eye and say:

- “DOES IT MAKE ME LOOK FAT?”
You’re on your own.

Signs That You are Too Drunk

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

Career won’t progress beyong Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case- coincidence? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth… - now THAT’S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor…

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: ‘Hi my name is… uh…’

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

I’m as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming ‘TORO TORO TORO!’ in the middle of the night.

Eleven reasons e-mail is like a male reproductive organ:

11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

10. Those who have it think that those who don’t are somehow inferior.

9. Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s neat, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

8. Many of those who don’t have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call *E-Mail Envy.*

7. It’s more fun when it’s up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

5. If you don’t take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

4. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

1. And the number one reason ‘Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ’: If you play with it too much, you’ll go blind.