many men

Frank has been feeling poorly lately…depressed, stressed, nervous, argumentative.

His wife Estelle, who is by now pretty stressed out herself, finally persuades him to make an appointment with their family doctor, to which she accompanies him.

After the physical, while Frank is getting dressed again in the examination room, the doctor takes Estelle into his office.

“Mrs. Johnson,” says the doctor, “I’m afraid Frank’s stress has affected his heart and blood pressure. I think we have to be prepared to lose him in a month or two.”

“My God!,” says Estelle. “Isn’t there anything we can do?”

“Well, yes there is, but it will take a serious commitment on your part. First of all, when you wake up in the morning, put on something pretty, not just an old housecoat. Always look your best…show him you care what he thinks. Make a hot breakfast for him every day and have it ready when he comes down. Don’t let him wait and start to brood, and don’t let him worry about chores. Let him read the paper and watch TV as much as he wants. Make all his favorites for lunch, and bake a fresh pie or cake every day for dessert. For dinner, don’t use frozen foods…if he wants French Fries, for example, cut them fresh and fry them. That will show him how much you care about him.
And most important, give him sex whenever and whereever he feels like it, and it would be a nice touch if you wakened him every morning by performing oral sex on him. That will show him how much you love and need him. If you work these simple duties into you routine, I’m certain we’ll have Frank around for many, many years.”

As they are driving home, Frank turns to Estelle. “Well, what does the doctor say?”

“He says you’re gonna die.”

English in Non-English Speaking Countries!

Examples of how English is being used in different parts of the world:

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is
rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of
entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted
by the latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours — we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like
to ride on your own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for
ladies from their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today — no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but
you’ll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition
of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

Eight Rules to Follow when Dating My Daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam’s apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too - there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate - ink washes off - and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. “Don’t you remember being that age?” she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing…… They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones…

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

2. Incoming fire has the right of way.

3. Don’t look conspicuous, it draws fire. ( For this reason aircraft carriers have been called “Bomb Magnets.”)

4. There is always a way.

5. The easy way is always mined.

6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. (Trivia devotees will recall the sudden disappearance of rank and distinctive caps on the uniforms worn by Soviet officers in Afghanistan.)

7. Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.

8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
* a. when you’re ready for them.
* b. when you’re not ready for them.

9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

10. If you can’t remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.

11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

12. A “sucking chest wound” is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.

13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won’t be able to get out. ( This seems to be the guiding design principle behind the Soviet’s BMP and our Bradley infantry vehicle, both of which nicely package the troops in armored boxes for group destruction.)

17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

18. If you’re short of everything but the enemy, you’re in a combat zone.

19. When you have secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy.

20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

21. Friendly fire isn’t.

22. If the sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

23. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.

24. The most dangerous thing in the world is a second lieutenant with a map and a compass.

25. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

26. A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.

27. Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.

28. If at first you don’t succeed call in an air-strike.

29. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.

30. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the colonel’s HQ.

31. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.

32. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.

33. A clean (and dry) set of BDU’s is a magnet for mud and rain.

34. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can’t hit the broad side of a barn.

35. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.

36. Field experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

37. Interchangeable parts aren’t.

38. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.

39. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove ANYTHING.

40. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism (in boot camp).

41. The one item you need is always in short supply.

42. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.

43. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon’s operator.

44. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.

45. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.

46. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.

47. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don’t know what they want, but they know for certain what they DON’T want.

48. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.

49. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.

50. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.

51. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.

52. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal Of Honor.

53. A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

54. Murphy was a grunt and an optimist to boot.

55. You aren’t Superman. (Freshly graduated recruits from Marine boot camp, and all fighter pilots, especially, take note.)

56. Suppressive fires - won’t.

57. If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.

58. When in doubt empty the magazine.

59. No plan survives the first contact, intact.

60. If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.

61. The important things are always simple.

62. The simple things are always hard.

63. No combat ready group has passed inspection. Note: No Marine unit has ever failed a combat readiness inspection, which suggests peacetime inspections are to readiness as mess hall food is to haute cuisine.

64. Beer Math -> 2 beers X 37 men = 49 cases

65. Body Count Math -> 3 guerrillas + 1 probable + 2 pigs = 37 enemy Killed In Action

66. Things that must be together to work, usually can’t be shipped together.

67. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately. (Corollary: Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)

68. Tracers work both ways.

69. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

70. If you take more than your share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share to take.

71. When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they’re both right.

72. Military intelligence can be a contradiction in terms.

73. Recoilless rifles -aren’t.

74. If it flies, it dies.

75. Cavalry doesn’t always come to the rescue.

76. B-52’s are the ultimate in close air support.

77. Sniper’s motto: Reach out and touch someone.

78. Peace is our profession - mass murder’s just a hobby.

79. Killing for peace is like whoring for virginity.

80. Remember napalm is an area weapon.

81. Don’t worry about the bullet with your name on it worry about the shrapnel addressed “To Whom It May Concern”

82. Artillery is very non-descriminatory, it kills anyone it lands on.

83. There are always more Second Lieutenants.

84. If you think the weather can’t get any worse, it will..

85. More troops die from weather, injury/accident, disease than in combat, but how can you get a medal from a case of rot!

86. Just when you become comfortable, they move you!

87. Someone is always watching out for you, unfortunately they ain’t always friendly.

88. If you need something now, you have either just lost it, sold it, or put it down.

89. If you need ammo, you get food; and if you need food you get ammo.

90. All or any of the above combined.