seat belt

I know it’s long, but it’s worth reading:o)

Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

“As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position.”

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane…”

“Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

“We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.”

“Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.”

Pilot - “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land… it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, “This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, “We’ve reached our cruising altitude now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella…WHOA..!” “Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.”

“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

“Last one off the plane must clean it.”

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!”

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault…..it was the asphalt!”

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

Wasn’t that bad was it?

YO MAMMA IS SO FAT
•Yo momma so fat her nickname is “DAMN!”
•Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
•Yo momma so fat we’re in her right now
•Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise
•Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
•Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
•Yo mamma so fat you have to roll over twice to get off her…
•Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the New World
•Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
•Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her, your ears pop!
•Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!
•Yo momma so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says “okay!”
•Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said “Taxi!”
•Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
•Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
•Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
•Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
•Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave., she landed on 12th
•Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
•Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear “Caution! Wide Turn”
•Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
•Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it reads “One at a time, please!”
•Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can’t hear the stereo.
•Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
•Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
•Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, “Sorry, we don’t do livestock.”
•Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
•Yo momma so fat she’s got her own area code!
•Yo momma so fat she looks like she’s smuggling a Volkswagen!
•Yo momma so fat God couldn’t light Earth till she moved!
•Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
•Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
•Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, LA, Chicago…
•Yo momma so fat she’s got Amtrak written on her leg.
•Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn’t pay for her liposuction!
•Yo momma so fat her legs are like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
•Yo momma so fat you have to roll her ass in flour and look for the wet spot to have sex with her
•Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side!
•Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
•Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
•Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of George Washington’s nose.
•Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God’s bowling ball!
•Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
•Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight to hell!
•Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
•Yo momma so fat she’s got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
•Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be aerial views!
•Yo momma so fat she’s on both sides of the family!
•Yo momma so fat every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
•Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
•Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
•Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
•Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
•Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!
•Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
•Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she’s wearing tights!
•Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car!
•Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
•Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
•Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
•Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
•Yo momma so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
•Yo momma so fat when she back up she beep.
•Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
•Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get again.
•Yo momma so fat she influences the tides.
•Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
•Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
•Yo momma so fat she was baptized at Marine World.
•Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
•Yo momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn’t cover her
•Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones.
•Yo momma so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass
•Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through
•Yo momma so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
•Yo momma so fat that she can’t tie her own shoes.
•Yo momma so fat she sets off car alarms when she runs.
•Yo momma so fat she can’t reach her back pocket.
•Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcolm X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
•Yo momma so fat she lays on the beach and Greenpeace tried to push her back in the water
•Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
•Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
•Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD’s and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
•Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
•Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
•Yo momma so fat that she would have been in ET, but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
•Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the Super Bowl.
•Yo momma so fat she was baptized in the ocean.
•Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
•Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, “Who threw that rock?”
•Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
•Yo momma so fat that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
•Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!!!
•Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn’t have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
•Yo momma so fat she was Miss Arizona — class Battleship
•Yo momma so fat she accidentally got a 747 caught in her teeth
•Yo momma so fat to her “light food” means under 4 Tons
•Yo momma so fat The Himalayas are practice runs to prepare for her
•Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!!!
•Yo momma so fat she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to GET OFF!!!
•Yo momma so fat and stupid, her waist size is larger than her IQ!!!
•Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development
•Yo momma so fat she won “Miss Bessie the Cow 94″
•Yo momma so fat she has her own brand of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans
•Yo momma so fat she has more rolls than a mary jane truck

YO MOMMA SO STUPID
•Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
•Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
•Yo momma so stupid she told everyone that she was “illegitimate” because she couldn’t read
•Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
•Yo momma so stupid she hears it’s chilly outside so she gets a bowl
•Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
•Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
•Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order!
•Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
•Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
•Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
•Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
•Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.
•Yo momma so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
•Yo momma so stupid she asked you “What is the number for 911?”
•Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
•Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put “O.K.”
•Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
•Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.
•Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
•Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
•Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
•Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
•Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
•Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, “Sex?”, she marked, “M, F and sometimes Wednesday too.”
•Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
•Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
•Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonald’s!
•Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
•Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
•Yo momma so stupid she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.
•Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
•Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
•Yo momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
•Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
•Yo momma so stupid that under “Education” on her job application, she put “Hooked on Phonics.”
•Yo momma so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
•Yo momma so stupid she watches “The Three Stooges” and takes notes.
•Yo momma so stupid she was born on Independence Day and can’t remember her birthday.
•Yo momma so stupid she thought gangrene was another golf course
•Yo momma so stupid she couldn’t read an audio book
•Yo momma so stupid it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch.
•Yo momma so stupid she thought the Nazis were saying “Hi! Hitler”
•Yo momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus
•Yo momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg
•Yo momma so stupid She has to ask for help to use hamburger helper
•Yo momma so stupid She went to Disney World and saw a sign that said “Disney World Left” so she went home.
•Yo momma so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said “guess” so she said Levi’s

YO MOMMA IS SO UGLY
•Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said “Sorry, no professionals.”
•Yo momma so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
•Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said, “What a treasure!” and her father said, “Yeah, let’s go bury it.”
•Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
•Yo momma so ugly they filmed “Gorillas in the Mist” in her shower
•Yo momma so ugly they didn’t give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
•Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
•Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
•Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras
•Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
•Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
•Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say “Damn, is it Halloween already?”
•Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
•Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she’d have her own projects.
•Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
•Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.
•Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours… for a quote!
•Yo momma so ugly when she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
•Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won’t talk to her!
•Yo momma so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn’t date her!
•Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
•Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
•Yo momma so ugly The NHL banned her for life
•Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
•Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
•Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away.
•Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
•Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.
•Yo momma so ugly your dad’s breath smells like crap because he would rather kiss her ass.
•Yo momma so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow

YO MOMMA SO OLD
•Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.
•Yo momma so old she has Jesus’ beeper number!
•Yo momma so old her social security number is 1!
•Yo momma so old that when God said let the be light, she hit the switch.
•Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
•Yo momma so old she owes Jesus 3 bucks!
•Yo momma so old she’s in Jesus’ yearbook!
•Yo momma so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
•Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
•Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
•Yo momma so old she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
•Yo momma so old she ran track with dinosaurs.
•Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
•Yo momma so old she sat behind Jesus in the third grade.
•Yo momma so old and stupid she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said, “Li’l Mary will never amount to anything”.
•Yo momma so old she was Jesus’ Wet Nurse
•Yo momma so old she’s blind from the big bang
•Yo momma so old even God calls her mother!

YO MOMMA IS SO DIRTY
•Yo momma so dirty she has to creep up on bath water.

YO MOMMA’S NOSE
•Yo momma nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers!
•Yo momma nose so big she makes Pinocchio look like a cat!

YO MOMMA IS SO GREASY
•Yo momma so greasy she used bacon as a Band-Aid!
•Yo momma so greasy she sweats Crisco!
•Yo momma so greasy Exxon buys oil from her

YO MOMMA’S TEETH
•Yo momma teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
•Yo momma teeth are so yellow she spits butter!
•Yo momma teeth are so yellow I can’t believe it’s not butter

YO MOMMA IS SO LAZY
•Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.

YO MOMMA IS SO SKINNY
•Yo momma so skinny she hula hoops with a cheerio
•Yo momma so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
•Yo momma so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared.

YO MOMMA IS SO BALD
•Yo momma so bald even a wig wouldn’t help!
•Yo momma so bald you can see what’s on her mind
•Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.

YO MOMMA IS SO TALL
•Yo momma so tall she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon.
•Yo momma so tall she did a back-flip and kicked Jesus in the mouth.
•Yo momma so tall she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida.

YO MOMMA IS SO FLAT
•Yo momma so flat she makes the wall jealous!

YO MOMMA’S GLASSES
•Yo momma’s glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can seen people waving.
•Yo momma’s glasses are so thick she can see into the future.

YO MOMMA IS SO SHORT
•Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers license!
•Yo momma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
•Yo momma so short she can play handball on the curb.
•Yo momma so short she does back-flips under the bed.
•Yo momma so short she models for trophies.
•Yo momma so short she is the original Q-tip
•Yo momma so short she pole vaults with a toothpick

YO MOMMA IS SO NASTY
•Yo momma so nasty she made Speed Stick slow down.
•Yo momma so nasty she brings crabs to the beach
•Yo momma so nasty she made Right Guard turn left.
•Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave
•Yo momma so nasty she has to creep up on bath water.
•Yo momma so nasty that her crap is glad to escape.
•Yo momma so nasty Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off
•Yo momma so nasty I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.
•Yo momma so nasty lice consider her a great vacation place
•Yo momma so nasty she was declared quarantined since before she was born
•Yo momma so nasty she joined the four horsemen: war, death, famine, disease and Yo momma
•Yo momma so nasty her teeth look like she got jumped by the Cavity Creeps!!!
•Yo momma so nasty she has two pussies and they both stink.
•Yo momma so nasty she went swimming and now we have the Dead Sea
•Yo momma so nasty skunks run from her

YO MOMMA IS LIKE
•Yo momma like potato chips– Fri-to Lay
•Yo momma like a screen door, the more you bang her the looser she gets
•Yo momma like the Pillsbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke!
•Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!
•Yo momma like a TV set, even a three year old can turn her on!
•Yo momma like a bus, fifty cents and she’s ready to ride!
•Yo momma like a golf course, everyone GETS a hole in one!
•Yo momma like the railway system, she gets laid all over the country!
•Yo momma like a tomato source bottle, everyone gets a squeeze out of her!
•Yo momma like a shotgun: one cock and she blows!
•Yo momma like a hardware store: 4 cents a screw!
•Yo momma like Domino’s pizza– Something for nothing
•Yo momma like a refrigerator: everyone likes to put their meat in her!
•Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package!
•Yo momma like a rifle… four cocks and she’s loaded.
•Yo momma like a bowling ball. She’s picked up, fingered, and then thrown in the gutter.
•Yo momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long.
•Yo momma like a Toyota: “Oh what a feelin’!”
•Yo momma like Orange Crush: “Good Vibrations!”
•Yo momma like a bubble-gum machine… five cents a blow.
•Yo momma like Chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap!
•Yo momma like a vacuum cleaner…..a real good suck.
•Yo momma like a potato chip seller on 42nd street, “LAYS! LAYS!…”
•Yo momma like castlebury stew: servings are family size

YO MOMMA IS SO HAIRY
•Yo momma so hairy you almost died of rug burn at birth!
•Yo momma so hairy she’s got afros on her nipples!
•Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buckwheat in a headlock.
•Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
•Yo momma so hairy she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.
•Yo momma so hairy she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro!
•Yo momma so hairy she shaves with a weedwhacker

YO MOMMA IS SO SLUTTY
•Yo momma so slutty she could suck-start a Harley!
•Yo momma so slutty she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball!
•Yo momma so slutty when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice belt!
•Yo momma so slutty she was on the cover of Wheaties, with her legs open, and it said “Breakfast of Champions”
•Yo momma so slutty that I could’ve been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change.
•Yo momma so slutty she had her own “Hands across her ass” charity drive
•Yo momma so slutty that when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO she thought he called her three times.
•Yo momma so slutty she blind and seeing another man.
•Yo momma so slutty she is known as Homecoming Disease
•Yo momma so slutty she has Trojan written on her gumline.

YO MOMMA HAS
•Yo momma has one leg and a bicycle.
•Yo momma has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.
•Yo momma has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
•Yo momma has one hand and a Clapper.
•Yo momma has a wooden afro with an “X” carved in the back.
•Yo momma has green hair and thinks she’s a tree.
•Yo momma has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you’re saying.
•Yo momma has a ‘fro with warning lights.
•Yo momma has 10 fingers–all on the same hand.
•Yo momma has a glass eye with a fish in it.
•Yo momma has a short leg and walks in circles.
•Yo momma has a short arm and can’t applaud.

YO MOMMA GOT
•Yo momma got so many freckles she looks like a hamburger!
•Yo momma got two wooden legs and one is one backward.
•Yo momma got three fingers and a banjo.
•Yo momma got a wooden leg with a kickstand on it.
•Yo momma got a bald head with a part and sideburns.
•Yo momma got a’ afro, wit’ a chin strap!!!!
•Yo momma got a wooden leg with branches.
•Yo momma got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail.
•Yo momma got a metal afro with rusty sideburns.
•Yo momma got eyes in her butt talking about “Damn, did you see that crap?!”

YO MOMMA’S HOUSE
•Yo momma house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.
•Yo momma house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.
•Yo momma house so dirty roaches ride around on dune buggies!
•Yo momma house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.

YO MOMMA’S HAIR
•Yo momma hair so short when she braided it they looked like stitches.
•Yo momma hair so short she curls it with rice.
•Yo momma hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.

YO MOMMA’S HEAD
•Yo momma head so big she has to step into her shirts.
•Yo momma head so big it shows up on radar.
•Yo momma head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow.
•Yo momma head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.

MISCELLANEOUS
•Yo momma wears knee-pads and yells “Curb Service!”
•Yo momma feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates!
•Yo momma aint so bad…she would give you the hair off of her back!
•Yo momma lips so big, Chapstick had to invent a spray.
•Yo momma teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.
•Yo momma mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
•Yo momma hips are so big, people set their drinks on them.
•Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
•Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
•Yo momma twice the man you are.
•Yo momma cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.
•Yo momma is missing a finger and can’t count past 9.
•Yo momma arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
•Yo momma middle name is Rambo.
•Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, “You ain’t gonna push me ’round no more.”
•Yo momma so grouchy, the McDonald’s she works in doesn’t even serve Happy Meals.
•Yo momma gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo.
•Yo momma breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck.
•Yo momma is in a wheelchair screaming “I AIN’T STANDING FOR THIS ”
•Yo momma threw a Frisbee three weeks ago that hasn’t landed yet.
•Yo momma can wrestle a cow to the ground.
•Yo momma referees bar fights without a shirt on.
• If my dog had a face as ugly as your momma’s, I’d shave his ass and make him walk backwards.
• It took yo momma 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldn’t get used to the front seat!

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make their announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”

“We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wings.”

“Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.”

Pilot - “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude, so I am going to switch off the seat belt sign. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land…it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, “We’ve reached our cruising altitude now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.”

“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.”

“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

“Last one off the plane must clean it.”

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry…Unfortunately, none of them is on this flight…!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault…..it was the asphalt!”

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the do or while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”

OFFICIAL BABY BOOMER EXAM
Answers below

1. “Kookie; Kookie. Lend me your ________________.”

2. The “battle cry” of the hippies in the sixties was
“Turn on; tune in;________________.”

3. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into
the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, “Who was
that masked man?” Invariably, someone would answer,
“I don’t know, but he left this behind.” What did he leave
behind?__________________

4. Folk songs were played side by side with rock and roll.
One of the most memorable folk songs included these
lyrics: “When the rooster crows at the break of dawn,
look out your window and I’ll be gone. You’re the reason
I’m travelling on,_______________________.”

5. A group of protesters arrested at the Democratic con-
vention in Chicago in 1968 achieved cult status, and were
known as the ________________.

6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we
all watched them on the ________________show.

7. Some of us who protested the Vietnam war did so by
burning our ________________.

8. We all learned to read using the same books. We read
about the thrilling lives and adventures of Dick and Jane.
What was the name of Dick and Jane’s dog?______

9. The cute, little car with the engine in the back and the
trunk (what there was of it) in the front, was called the
VW. What other name(s) did it go by? ___________ &
________________

10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names
the ________________and the ________________.

11. In the seventies, we called the drop-out nonconformists
“hippies.” But in the early sixties, they were known as
________________.

12. William Bendix played Chester A. Riley, who always
seemed to get the short end of the stick in the
television program, “The Life of Riley.” At the end of
each show, poor Chester would turn to the camera and
exclaim, “What a ________________.”

13. “Get your kicks, ________________.”

14. “The story you are about to see is true. The names
have been changed ________________.”

15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his martinis
a special way: ________________.

16. “In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________.”

17. That “adult” book by Henry Miller - the one that con-
tained all the “dirty” dialogue - was called _________.

18. Today, the math geniuses in school might walk around
with a calculator strapped to their belt. But back in the
sixties, members of the math club used a _________.

19. In 1971, singer Don Maclean sang a song about “the day
the music died.” This was a reference and tribute to
________________.

20. A well-known television commercial featured a driver
who was miraculously lifted through thin air and into the
front seat of a convertible. The matching slogan was
“Let Hertz ________________.”

21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we
“danced” under a stick that was lowered as low as we
could go in a dance called the ________________.

22. “N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best ________.”

23. In the late sixties, the “full figure” style of Jane
Russell and Marilyn Monroe gave way to the “trim” look,
as first exemplified by British model ________________.

24. Sachmo was America’s “ambassador of goodwill.” Our
parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us.
His name was ________________.

25. On Jackie Gleason’s variety show in the sixties, one of
the most popular segments was “Joe, the Bartender.”
Joe’s regular visitor at the bar was that slightly off-
center, but lovable character, ________________. (The
character’s name, not the actor’s.)

26. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit.
The Russians did it; it was called ________________.

27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?__________.

28. One of the big fads of the late fifties and sixties was a
large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist; it
was called the ________________.

29. The “Age of Aquarius” was brought into the mainstream
in the Broadway musical ________________.

30. This is a two-parter: Red Skelton’s hobo character (not
the hayseed; the hobo) was ________________.
Red ended his television show by saying, “Good night,
and ________________.”

ANSWERS

1. “Kookie; Kookie; lend me your comb.” If you said “ears,”
you’re in the wrong millennium, pal; you’ve spent way
too much time in Latin class.

2. The “battle cry” of the hippies in the sixties was “Turn
on; tune in; drop out.” Many people who proclaimed
that 30 years ago today are Wall Street bond traders
and corporate lawyers.

3. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet. Several of
you said he left behind his mask. Oh, no; even off the
screen, Clayton Moore would not be seen as the Lone
Ranger without his mask!

4. “When the rooster crows at the break of dawn, look out
your window and I’ll be gone. You’re the reason I’m
travelling on; Don’t think twice, it’s all right.”

5. The group of protesters arrested at the Democratic
convention in Chicago in 1968 were known as the
Chicago seven. As Paul Harvey says, “They would like
me to mention their names.”

6. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we
all watched them on the Ed Sullivan Show.

7. Some of us who protested the Vietnam war did so by
burning our draft cards. If you said “bras,” you’ve got
the right spirit, but nobody ever burned a bra while I
was watching. The “bra burning” days came as a by-
product of women’s liberation move- ment which had
nothing directly to do with the Viet Nam war.

8. Dick and Jane’s dog was Spot. “See Spot run.”
Whatever happened to them? Rumor has it they have
been replaced in some school systems by “Heather Has
Two Mommies.”

9. It was the VW Beetle, or more affectionately, the Bug.

10. A Broadway musical and movie gave us the gang names
the Sharks and the Jets. West Side Story.

11. In the early sixties, the drop-out, non-conformists were
known as beatniks. Maynard G. Krebs was the classic
beatnik, except that he had no rhythm, man; a beard, but
no beat.

12. At the end of “The Life of Riley,” Chester would turn to
the camera and exclaim, “What a revolting development
this is.”

13. “Get your kicks, on Route 66.”

14. “The story you are about to see is true. The names have
been changed to protect the innocent.”

15. The real James Bond, Sean Connery, mixed his martinis
a special way: shaken, not stirred.

16. “In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight.”

17. That “adult” book by Henry Miller was called Tropic of
Cancer. Today, it would hardly rate a PG-13 rating.

18. Back in the sixties, members of the math club used a
slide rule.

19. “The day the music died” was a reference and tribute to
Buddy Holly.

20. The matching slogan was “Let Hertz put you in the
driver’s seat.”

21. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we
“danced” under a stick in a dance called the Limbo.

22. “N-E-S-T-L-E-S; Nestles makes the very best………..
chooo-c’late.” In the television commercial, “chocolate”
was sung by a puppet - a dog. (Remember his mouth
flopping open and shut?)

23. In the late sixties, the “full figure” style gave way to the
“trim” look, as first exemplified by British model Twiggy.

24. Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with
us. His name was Louis Armstrong.

25. Joe’s regular visitor at the bar was Crazy Googenhiem.

26. The Russians put the first satellite into orbit; it was
called Sputnik.

27. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? A Timex
watch.

28. The large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist
was called the hula-hoop.

29. The “Age of Aquarius” was brought into the mainstream
in the Broadway musical “Hair.”

30. Red Skelton’s hobo character was Freddie the Free-
loader. (Clem Kaddiddlehopper was the “hay seed.”)
Red ended his television show by saying, “Good night,
and may God bless.”

There was a man driving when he spotted a policeman.
He turned to his wife and said, “Quick! Grab the steering wheel while I get my seatbelt on!”

The policeman approaches the car.

The policeman says, “I know you weren’t wearing your seatbelt!”

The man replies, “Yes I was– ask my wife!”

The policeman says, “Well, ma’am?”

His wife replies, “After all these years, I’ve learned one thing… not to argue with him when he’s drunk!”