Too Much Coffee

You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When…

You ski uphill.
You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez has named his donkey after you.
You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
You lick your coffee pot clean.
You spend your vacations visiting “Maxwell House”.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people’s fingernails.
All your kids are named “Joe”.
Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low”.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You don’t need a hammer to pound in nails.
You don’t sweat, you percolate.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Instant coffee takes too long.
The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
When someone asks, “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
You introduce your spouse as your “CoffeeMate”.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You don’t tan, you roast.
You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

This joke is filed under Funny Stories.