Top 20 things to do in a grocery store
(8 votes, average: 3.75 out of 5)
Loading ...1. Every time someone calls for a price check, start gobbling like a turkey and run up and down the aisle you’re in until someone asks you what’s wrong. When this happens, walk away passively, cursing under your breath that people are so weird these days.
2. When greeted with a friendly “hello” from your bag-boy, reply, repeating loudly: “No, my name’s not Fred!” while spinning around violently for 30 seconds straight. Try to walk out of the store in a straight line.
3. Squeeze every melon you can see, pretending that each is your boss’s fat head. Squeeze hard. Yell at the melon if you wish.
4. Ask everyone you pass if they’ll take you for a ride in their shopping cart. Smile widely as you speak, and attempt to pop your eyeballs out of your head too.
5. Dance and sing made up lyrics to the ever-playing elevator music as you pick out your tomatoes.
6. Add: “what?” to the end of ALL your sentences.
7. Call everyone “Kimosabi”.
8. Wear your halloween costume. Go with friends, make sure that they are dressed in plain clothes. Speak in a loud voice and strut around.
9. Buy milk and a box of cereal. Go sit in the middle of the pet food aisle and eat it out of the box with your bare hands.
10. Set up a bowling lane with ketchup bottles as pins, chuck grapefruits down the aisle. Watch the store manager’s neck vein pop.
11. Run through the aisles with a pasta strainer on your head, screaming: “The British are coming! The British are coming!”
12. Shoplift cantaloupes, two at a time, hiding them under your shirt. Drop them on the ground right outside the door, turn around, go back in, and take your next two…
13. Pretend that you are ambushing the enemy, and throw fruit at everyone that walks by, slyly hiding behind contest displays.
14. Grab handfuls of uncooked rice from the bulk food bins, and throw it at other customers, yelling: “Congratulations! Congratulations! Happy Honeymoon!” and wipe your eyes sadly.
15. Pick up a giant sausage, and have a mock sword-fight with it. Your opponent: the giant cardboard cutout of Ed MacMahon.
16. Poke the people serving food samples with a stick of french bread. When they turn around to ask you to stop, chase them around the store, waving the bread over your head at them.
17. Throw boxes of frozen TV dinners on the floor and ceremonially cover them in Cheeze Whiz sauce until you are forcefully ejected from the store.
18. Jump on the top of the orange stand and begin a strip dance using the oranges for props.
19. Buy 300 packs of chewing gum and one cantaloupe. Eat the cantaloupe whole (without peeling it) as you wait in line to make your purchase.
20. Try to balance as many packages of bacon as possible on your head. Wear a tutu and talk to the bacon. “Jett! Jett damn you!”