A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing!” the woman said. “How OLD ARE you?”

“Twenty-six,” he said.

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An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. “Sir, what is the secret for your long life?”

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, “Every day at 9 p.m. I have a glass of port. Good for the heart, I’ve heard.”

The reporter replied, “That’s ALL?”

The man smiled, “That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic.”

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